pearlgirl

To Charley, I understand what you are saying (yes, we did read the spoon theory together- thank you for introducing me to the website). But you must admit that until a person WANTS to know what the problem is and WANTS to get/be better, then there really is no helping them. You cannot rush in and try and diagnose and fix the pain and suffering for someone else. For the last year and a half, I have tried everything short of involving family/other people (in an effort to protect my husband's sense of dignity and privacy) with no results. At this point, I cannot see how we can move forward in our marriage, and eventually start a family, until he shows that he wants to be successful by putting forth some of his own effort, no matter how small. I am not as unsympathetic as I sound. Any tiny baby step on his part that signals to me that he wants change in his life I am willing to accept, wether it be going to the doctor without me forcing him to go, looking for a job, even just hanging up his towel after a shower- any of these things would be a sign of proactiveness on his part. Again, I understand what you are saying. However, I don't think enabling him any further is going to help him in any way, shape, or form. Loving unconditionally is ALWAYS the right thing to do, but that is not what I am talking about here. I love my husband dearly. I wouldn't be fighting for our marriage if I felt that there was anyone else out there for me. I made covenants in the temple which I intend to keep, not only out of a sense of right and wrong, but out of sincere love and concern for my companion. I do not apologize for having certain expectations of my partner. While my husband may have an undiagnosed piece of the puzzle yet to be discovered (which I agree, is VERY possible), until he steps forward and gets some help, our marriage isn't going to get any better.

Hello all, and thank you so much for contributing your helpful suggestions. Some of the things that have been said are things that I have been thinking of doing for a long time, but just haven't had clarity on. Thanks for shedding some extra light on the situation. My husband and I have finally seen a counselor at LDS family services and now that we have moved back to where my husband is from, I think his parents have begun to see what is really going on. His dad found out that he dropped his classes this semester and has scheduled an interview with him. I am hoping that he will finally get some pretty straight talk and be held accountable for his choices. I know that I may sound harsh, especially to those who have had or are going through depression or another chronic disease that isn't your fault. However, I do want to make it known that I have survived severe depression myself. I went to counseling, took medication, and learned new ways to cope. This was a couple of years before we were married. (By the way, we are not all that young- my husband is 27 and I am 25. Too old to keep wasting time, in my opinion. ) Anyway, by going through that myself, I learned that no matter what, I was responsible for getting myself better. I was responsible for my own life. For the last year and a half, I have been pretty patient and have tried to be empathetic and sympathetic to the things that my husband is going through. But I have to acknowledge, at this point, that my efforts in that regard have been taken advantage of and no one is going to be able to help my husband feel better about himself until he has to be accountable and face the truth. And I will ALWAYS stand by his side if he simply tries his best. Thanks again to all those that contributed and sincerely want to help. This forum has given me a lot of hope and support- thanks!

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