God's Instructions To Adam

[pushka]

God's Instructions to Adam

Posted by **Trashman** on Apr 30, 2005 at 10:56:56 AM:

After the Fall, God call Adam into His presence and gave him the following instructions:

“Adam, I’ve given you a truly marvelous brain. Why, you could use it to think all kinds of deep, philosophical thoughts. Only – now pay attention to this! – you’re not supposed to actually use it. In fact, that’s the whole point, not using it.

“Don’t start asking me questions about this, you’re starting to use the damn (oh, sorry) …starting to use the darn thing already! Jesus Christ! Never mind, don’t worry about him yet, he won’t get involved for a couple of thousand years from now, so just forget it! Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah…

“All you have to do is follow the rules I’m giving you. Don’t ask why, just do it! That will prove to me that you really love me, and when you die (yeah, you gotta die, otherwise this whole thing won’t work out right)…when you die, you can come and live with me in Disneyland. Well, no, you can’t come now; you have to prove yourself to me, that’s the deal.

“If you start using that brain, wondering ‘why this’ and ‘why that’ and trying to figure me out – well, no sir, that won’t do at all. If that happens, well, I’m going to have to torture you for eternity – and that means forever, no end, non-stop! And boy, I made this angel named Satan (used to call him Lucifer), and he was my buddy until HE started thinking and, well, he’s real anxious to get some company down there and kick their a$$es. So I’m giving you fair warning!! DON’T USE THE BRAIN!!!

“Besides, you’ve got it easy. After all, I’m talking directly to you. Shoot, by the time a few thousand years have passed, people will only have old scriptures, legends, and tall tales to remember me by. Why, they’re the ones who will have the hardest time not using their brains. But if they have faith in me and love me, and don’t use their brains and don’t get all confused, then they can come to Disneyland with us. But if they ask a lot of questions, that will really p*ss me off, and I’ll have to send them on down to Hell. Later on, my son (who is partly me…wait, never mind, I don’t want you to start thinking)…my son Jesus will be born on Earth and he’ll say a lot of neat things, but he’ll make a lot of people mad and they’ll kill him pretty brutally. It’s all your fault, you see. Ever since you fecked up and ate that apple, I just gotta have a super-duper blood sacrifice to even things out. Barbaric? – Are you thinking down there?

“Don’t worry, Jesus will rise from the dead, but he can’t do it in such a convincing and stunning fashion that people won’t have to struggle with this think/faith dilemma. No, it will have to be obscure so nobody’s really sure, and then I can grade everyone on whether or not they believe it – with no thinking, of course!

“Okay, Adam, now I’ve told you all about this brain business. Here’s the other part. I also gave you a penis. Yes, I can see that you’ve figured that part out already. And I’ve seen how you and Eve have been getting it on! No problem, only be sure that if you see another woman (I’m sure there’s some of them running around East of Eden or somewhere) and get, well, aroused, just be sure to keep your penis to yourself. Well, that’s not what I meant, I meant go see Eve to take care of it for you. I don’t care for that masturbation stuff, that’s a sin.

“Don’t be so worried! I’m sure you’ll remember all the rules. Anyhow, the point I’m trying to make is this:

“I’ve given you a marvelous body there, one that is very much like the bodies of the animals around here. And your body is going to crave different gratifications, stimulations, and satisfactions, whatever. Be sure to study and remember the long list of restrictions and rules on this papyrus scroll I’m giving you. I must admit I’ve designed your body so that you’ll be awfully tempted to break the rules, so you’ll have to be careful and vigilant.

“If it helps you to keep to the rules, it’s okay with me if you want to make up more rules yourself, so that you can judge and imprison and torture other people. You could have lots of fun (once you and Eve have populated the planet).

Now I know you’re wondering what you’re going to do with your time since you’re forbidden to think or satisfy your body’s cravings, so I’ve come up with two good ideas: work and prayer. Keep busy with those two things and you won’t have time to think or break any rules. Besides, I like being prayed to. It makes me feel really omnipotent, which I am! You go on, now. I’m going to lie here a while and listen to Satan and his buddies moaning down in Hell.”

(Adam leaves. Michael the Archangel comes up, awaiting God's command)…

“Hey, Michael. Bring me a mint julep, will ya? I know, I know – I could just create one myself, but I just love being waited on. And when you get back, sit down with me here…I want to watch those doofusses down on Earth try to get it right. This oughta be a real hoot!”

This was mystically revealed to me. Don't you dare doubt it.

[Amillia]

That was sick.

[pushka]

Why was it sick?

Plenty of people here find it 'sick' that God could have created a predatory world, in which in order for 1 species to survive it has to kill and eat another species...the food chain?

[Amillia]

Originally posted by pushka@Apr 30 2005, 11:24 PM

Why was it sick?

Plenty of people here find it 'sick' that God could have created a predatory world, in which in order for 1 species to survive it has to kill and eat another species...the food chain?

Well it didn't start out that way. But when evil was introduced, it changed things. Now we have to deal with it. And what I found sick was the made up slanderous antics attributed to sacred and sincere people.

[pushka]

Originally posted by Amillia+Apr 30 2005, 10:27 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Amillia @ Apr 30 2005, 10:27 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin--pushka@Apr 30 2005, 11:24 PM

Why was it sick?

Plenty of people here find it 'sick' that God could have created a predatory world, in which in order for 1 species to survive it has to kill and eat another species...the food chain?

Well it didn't start out that way. But when evil was introduced, it changed things. Now we have to deal with it. And what I found sick was the made up slanderous antics attributed to sacred and sincere people.

You mean wickedness caused people and animals to have to start eating each other in order to survive? Would you, therefore, recommend that all the world...animals included, start to become vegetarians, after repenting the sin of wanting to eat each other?

Which 'made up, slanderous antics of sacred and sincere people' were you talking about? Have you proof that this is not the sort of thing that God and his angels do when they are observing us?

Oh and please remember...it was a 'jokey' post, although I think it made one or two good examples of food for thought.

[begood2]

Pushka,

I like most of your post, however ... I found the Adam post to be in poor taste. The dialogue between God and Adam was offensive for me!

[pushka]

Okay Begood2...I apologise for that...must admit I didn't write the original post on the other message board, just reprinted it here...tried to take out a little of the expletives too...to make it more acceptable.

[Amillia]

Originally posted by pushka+Apr 30 2005, 11:32 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (pushka @ Apr 30 2005, 11:32 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>

Originally posted by -Amillia@Apr 30 2005, 10:27 PM

<!--QuoteBegin--pushka@Apr 30 2005, 11:24 PM

Why was it sick?

Plenty of people here find it 'sick' that God could have created a predatory world, in which in order for 1 species to survive it has to kill and eat another species...the food chain?

Well it didn't start out that way. But when evil was introduced, it changed things. Now we have to deal with it. And what I found sick was the made up slanderous antics attributed to sacred and sincere people.

You mean wickedness caused people and animals to have to start eating each other in order to survive? Would you, therefore, recommend that all the world...animals included, start to become vegetarians, after repenting the sin of wanting to eat each other?

Which 'made up, slanderous antics of sacred and sincere people' were you talking about? Have you proof that this is not the sort of thing that God and his angels do when they are observing us?

Oh and please remember...it was a 'jokey' post, although I think it made one or two good examples of food for thought.

Only when the earth is cleansed will the lamb lie down with the lion. That is God's work, not ours.

All of it was made up, and proof is available to any who will accept it ~ from God, the source of all things.

Jokey in some darkened eyes maybe, but really it was sick.

[Guest Taoist_Saint]

Have a nice summer!

[Amillia]

Originally posted by Taoist_Saint@May 1 2005, 03:49 PM

I am not a vegetarian...and I do not even use meat sparingly...yet another sin against the Word of Wisdom

I am in such darkness.

However, in addition to saying a blessing before eating a dead animal, I also repent after I eat it, and I hope this will help me when I face eternal judgement.

Do you repent after eating animals, Amillia? If not, I would recommend it.

You are becoming way tooooooo hoke y.