Separated, Getting Divorced, Confused....

[MisterT]

Its a good thing. It took me about a year to get the idea of divorce thorugh my thick skull, but once it passed through it became much easier to accept; at that point I knew I was going to be alright, and I was just going to have to start over in life.

Tabula Rossa - a clean slate

[anonymousone]

Yea Divorce can seriously take a toll on a person. I've found from talking to others that I'm taking it a lot better than most.

I have a friend who is 28 as well. He got divorced 2 years ago and didn't start dating until about 6 months ago. He's also really down on himself, he's a super good looking dude and he told me that this girl that flew from another state to see him was "out of his league" which made me really worried for him because she's TOTALLY not, if there were leagues (obviously there aren't) if anything he'd be out of her league.

It's still really hard, don't get me wrong, I just hope I can fully get over it sooner than some of my friends.

[MisterT]

I don't know that there's anything I can say to make things easier for you. Divorce is a terrible, terrible thing; and it seems to be at epidimic levels within the church recently. I think its doubly difficult on LDS men to be accepted by their ward if their wife has left them; there's always that suspicion that you must have been a monster, or abusive.. Sisters who are getting divorced, especially those with kids, are typically treated really well, while the man is often ostracised.

Often we as men have to leave the family home and move into a new ward boundaries, only to be asked "is there a Mrs. T?" Then you feel obligated to tell then that you're going through a divorce and just moved into their boundaries.. The suspicious looks hurt so deeply. And then there's the Bishop who calls your former Bishop, who's had your soon to be ex-wife in his office complaining about what a miserable person you are; so then you find yourself not exactly being told you're unwelcome; you're just treated as.. I want to say 'disposeable,' but I don't think that quite gets the meaning across I wish to convey. You're treated like you're not as valuable as the married families or the single sisters who have custodial custody of children.

So what do you do when you go to Elders Quorum? You sit in the second to the last row while everyone else politely ignores you. You get a home teaching assignment with a companion who's either inactive or who is so busy with his life he hasn't done his HT assignments in a year, and families to visit who are inactive and who don't wish to have HT's come by. So essentially you've been given a calling as a home teacher, but there's nothing for you to do... Until one day the Bishop asks you to accept a calling as a primary teacher or something similiar; which you take gratefully because you still feel unwelcome, and it truly sucks sitting alone in Sunday School while everyone else in the room is sitting with their spouse holding hands.

Then there's the total lack of activities for single adults that are over 30 in most areas; the Elder's Quorum socials are always at someone's house who's wife is a "Molly Mormon," or its been planned for the married members with little thought for the single members.

To put it bluntly, it sucks. And there is nothing I can say or do to make it suck less. I'm going to be fasting this weekend for several people (myself included); if you'd like me to fast and pray for you as well, PM me your name.

Best regards!

-Ryan

[anonymousone]

Yea man, I'm feeling a little bit of your pain. In California they make us wait 6 months for the divorce to be finalized... I'm still pretty young, just turned 28, but I honestly don't feel comfortable going to any ward. I'm most likely going to "visit" wards for the next 4 months, singles wards mostly because "visitors" are very common and not many questions are asked.

Everywhere I go I'm going to be a visitor, I guess that way I don't have to worry about feeling unwelcome or out of place by any group of people. If I was over 30, I couldn't really pull that off...

And yes it does feel like some type of epidemic sweeping the church. I tried telling my wife this when I was attempting to reason with her. People generally feel that their situation is "unique" when they justify getting divorced, which my Wife feels/felt. The fact of the matter is that almost no situation is "unique." The only difference between married people and divorced people is their willingness and ability to deal with the tough times. Weak people justify with excuses, strong people solve problems and move on. Honestly I'd say 5 out of the first 10 of my LDS friends that I can think of are divorced. We're all under 30, how is this possible??

[bl8tant]

The marriage counselor my wife and I saw said that divorce peaks at two times: about 7 years after marriage and 18-20 years. I'm in the latter band, but it sounds like you and your friends may be in the former. There are probably differences between the two bands, but I think you're right that ultimately it boils down to one thing.

I took my kids white-water rafting a few weeks ago, and here's the analogy that comes to mind. There are lots of rapids that can be negotiated in a single-person kayak. You can also shoot those same rapids in a two-man kayak but only if both people paddle. If one just sits there, you're headed for trouble. Marriage, and marriage repair, are exactly the same way.

[Laureltree]

Georgia

Most profoundly stated.....I believe any marriage can be saved, its what we are willing to give up in order to save it. I also know there are two sides to every story. I diagree with the gentleman who told you, you dont have an addiction......Let me explain what an addiction truly is..An addiction is anything you keep going back to and cant leg go or free yourself from. Your wife right now feels hurt, and prob feels divorce is the only way out....She needs to know you truly want to change and get help, and she will need to get help to relieve the resentment, mistrust and anger she has built up to save your marriage. Think of it as holding a bridge up, there has to be suspension on both sides and both sides have to be strong. Weather, and wind create wear and tear on those suspension....My suggestion ... get help for both of you.....I sent you an email.. hope it helps :)

[anonymousone]

I wish she felt hurt, cause then I'd think there was a chance for us to get back together.

It's interesting how everyone feels they need to bring up her possible concerns and speak for her as if they know her mind. Yes there are two sides of the story but unfortunately she's not here to tell hers so there's no need for anyone to speak for her as if they know her reasoning because its all speculation. and yes id say I'm addicted, but fortunately didn't act out the majority of the marriage, i genuinely feel I wouldn't have started acting out if I was with a spouse who supported me through our trials rather than turning on me when our financial stresses came. I hope and pray that I never act out again.

I checked but I didn't get your email

[anonymousone]

Oops double post