Think of going it on my own: Inactivity or Arguing?

[JudoMinja]

It sounds like your wife is having an issue similar to something my mother is going through. My mother has a very hard time trusting any members of the ward and avoids Relief Society as much as she can. This is due to a terrible experience with gossip.

My older brother is currently going through a heated divorce, and the relationship started with manipulation. Not to put all the fault on her (my brother is certainly responsible for some of the heat), but she coerced him into premarital relations and poked holes in the condoms so she would get pregnant. Half the ward knew about this situation before my family did. One of the sisters of the ward was trying to arrange a marriage on the sly, so that they would be married before having to tell anyone (including my parents) she was pregnant. When the visiting teachers asked my mom a question about the situation, not realizing she didn't know, that was how she found out.

This whole event created a seed of distrust. My mother now feels she has become the brunt of much ward gossip. She cannot stand associating with the other women of the ward and refuses to participate in visiting teaching on either end- she does not like having visiting teachers come in her home, and she prefers to only write letters to those on her route instead of making visits. Luckily, she does not have to go to the Relief Society hour at all, because she has a calling in primary, because she'd be very uncomfortable going.

It has been five years since this happened, and my mother is still hurting badly. If your wife is suffering from a wound caused by other members of the ward you are being merged into, I can understand her pain. However, she needs to realize that quitting church altogether only hurts her- as you already know and others here have already adviced.

Though my mother does not trust many members in the ward, she still goes to church faithfully. She would never use her pains as an excuse to quit going. She separates her spiritual reasons for attendance from the social. So that she does not have to deal with these members, she avoids them. She goes to sacrament meeting, does not talk with anybody, goes to primary, and then leaves the chapel to go home as soon as everyone is together. There is no pausing to socialize.

I also have an excuse I could use to skip church- a single male member in my ward attempted to start a relationship with me while I was still going through my divorce and became a border-line stalker. Sometimes, he trys to find seats near me in meetings or "accidently" bump into me in the hallway so he can try to work up a conversation or see my two-year-old. He makes me uncomfortable, but I don't let that get me to skip church altogether. I just avoid him.

You cannot stop others in the ward from behaving as they will. If your wife does not like someone, she can avoid them, but she doesn't have to stop going to church completely to do that.

[Guest mormonmusic]

It sounds like your wife is beyond convincing right now. Welcome, you are now in patience mode.

I'd consider going alone, as much as you hate it, to keep the example happening. Share positive experiences in the new Ward as things come up. Continue to love her and invest in the relationship with the hope she'll come around again. If anyone asks how they can help, I would consider seeing how to to involve the rich people to change her perception of them. However I'd only do this if they ask to help.

Personally, I think this is one of those times when simply enduring is the way to go. It's an important skill, as in my experience there is always something -- relationship issues, health problems, SOMETHING that requires endurance. Learning to endure things like this peacefully is where we actually find enduring happiness.

I know that only because I have a serious brewing health problem. It requires no daily care, and the doctors have no treatment, and it is only a minor annoyance right now However, I have to live with the fact that I never know when it will disable me. I realized the other day that I have learned to cope with it by saying "I'm still able to live my life today, and that's all that matters". This condition has actually helped me learn to find peace in a turbulent world. I tend to look at all challenges, even ones like yours, with this goal in mind. I realized yesterday I haven't worried about it for many months now. What peace!!

Because your wife doesn't seem open to changing right now, settling into peaceful patience mode is the way to go. I would focus on THAT as the focus of your questions now, and not on changing your wife's mind.

But what do I know.

Edited April 1, 2011 by mormonmusic