Husband is struggling. I wasn't a memeber when we married, he was...

[Peanutterrier2009]

My husband and I were married by our Bishop at the church. I was not a memeber at the time. I was baptized in April and it has caused a dynamics change in our relationship. He is struggling with the Word of Wisdom. We used to drink together when I was not a memeber. He was raised in the church but, hasn't been real active for sometime(on and off/half hearted). We've been very active since my Baptizem. He wants to be sealed in the Temple and wants all the blessings but, he misses having a drink now and again. Yesterday, he snuck off and got drunk. It was aweful, the Bishop and several memebers were coming over for the 4th. I had to sober him up before our guests arrived. I have never told him he can't drink. I told him I won't drink with him any longer. I was upset that he felt a need to hide the drinking and took a risk driving after he had been drinking. I wanted to say something to the Bishop but, decided not to say anything. What happens if we can not be sealed because of his drinking? He is still sealed to a previous spouse. Do I end up loosing out completely because of his drinking? If I'd have known this was going to cause him so much discomfort for him??? Awe gosh, I don't know what I'd have done... It's sort of a mess right now. He's happy for me and excited about doing the right thing but, he just misses having a cold one now and again. I don't really know what to do. I wish he'd go to the Bishop and start working this stuff out. I don't think it's my place to say anything. He and the Bishop are very close. I know the Bishop could help him if my husband would level with him.

[LDSJewess]

Hi Peanutterrier,

I think some of this depaends on the degree of the problem your husband has. From the church stand point, drinking is against the words of wisdom and if your husband is truthful about drinking then he would not receive a Temple recommend.

As for help, much depends on his degree of drinking. If it is just the stubborn streak that he wants to "have a cool one now and then" that is easier to overcome. If you have to "sober him up" that is a much bigger problem that goes beyond a cool one now and then.

So the two of you will need to determine if this is just an occasional pleasure which is a habit easier to change, or if it borders on or is an addiction, which takes a far more proactive approach and often intervention.

My husband and I joined years ago and we have been sealed in the Temple. I would like to go back to the Temple, but mu husband has the stubborn issue of not wanting to give up that morning cup of coffee. Addiction, no. Can he live without it, of course. But it is not up to me to change him so we can go to Temple together.

I posted about this in another thread on this forum and someone posted back that I should go to Temple on my own and if in the afterlife I made it to the Celestial Kingdom and my husband does not because he won't give up the coffee, I could wind up being sealed in the afterlife to a worthy man.

Soooo I shared this with my husband and said, "hmmmmmm, I wonder what my Celestial hubby will look like if you don't make it." (We share a lot of dry humor in our marriage). And he said "Well if he is a hunk, then I had better change to decaf (first step) LOL, but if he's an old bald guy, I guess I'll have another cup.

What I really got from that hunor we shared, is he can change and I believe he will.

I think we can let them know that this is important to us. Their change will come even if it is not our timing. Meanwhile we can love them and pray about it.

[Peanutterrier2009]

Yeah, I'm fimiluare with addiction matters. I'm working on a degree in chemical dependancy counseling. By the very nature of this career choice, it would suggest that, I too have had my own struggles with addictive substances. The red flags are deffinantly up. The need to sneek off and getting drunk at such an unappropriate time. While not absolute indications of a drinking problem, it's enough to raise an eyebrow or two for me. I'll have to see if this continues to be an issue. I've delt with many people who are addicted so, if it comes to that, I do know how to handle it. It's a little different when it comes to family memebers. My feelings are wrapped up in the issue as well. When at work, we try to remain unattached and impartial emotionally. This isn't possible when it's my husband. If push comes to shove, I will enlist the aid of the Bishop to get him the help he needs. He respects our Bishop like a wiser older brother. I can only do so much and I am praying for him. And, anyone who reads this is invited to for him too. He's a good man!!!

[LDSJewess]

Well then I too will pray for your good man.

Sneaking away to get drunk is far harder to overcome I think, than an occasional social drink.

I agree that if he has such a good amount of rapport and respect for the Bishop, it is wise to seek his counsel more than ever.

It will be harder for you to get through to him even if this borders on addiction because since this is also your careet, you want to be sure you don't come across as his therapist, rather than his wife who loves and supports him. It can be a fine line.

You will both be in my thoughts and prayers and may you both overcome this together and be sealed in the Temple and receive many wonderful blessings.

[Peanutterrier2009]

Thank you so much for your prayers and advice. I love this church! People are really concerned for each other. It's like having a wonderful big family. Like any family, it has it's nuts and knot heads but, the level of support and love I find, I have never experienced in any other faith. And, I've been around the block a time or two.

[LDSJewess]

Awwww you are most welcome sister!

I too have been around that block a few times. We all have our stories to tell. Our experiences in life make us stonger. I kind of think that our experiences have taught us many lessions in life and the greater the lessons the higher the tuition, i.e. greater challenge.

I have been involved in a number of churches (and synagogues) over the years, and I agree the level of love and support of members of this church surpasses that of any other. Perhaps it is part of the "living truth" in Heavenly Fathers pan that testifies to the truth of it all.

[Peanutterrier2009]

I suspect you're right sister. It is all part of that, "The tree is known by it's fruit." stuff for me. This is the real testimony in my opinion. I would have never even looked at the BofM if it hadn't been for the people and the incredible witness of their lives, not their words. I am still learning and some of the new doctrin is a little different for me. For 42 years I've learned most things as being one way to varing degrees. I grew up Catholic and bounced from one Christain church to another. I never ventured beyond the confinds of Christianity. Though, I was curious about Jewdaism due to it being the oldest faith didicated to the one true God. But, I could never find the nerve to actually enter a syngogue or ask too many questions out of respect. I know the Jews are the choosen people of God. I'm afaird I'm not among these folks. Though, as I understand it, I have similuare blessing by adoption through Christ Jesus. What an awesome thing and incrdiable blessing it must be to have the whole package. A Christian of Jewish decent. You really can't do any better than that...

[rameumptom]

Peanut,

You do what you know is right. Set the right example for your husband. If he feels he "needs" to drink on occasion, that is a sign of alcohol dependency. Perhaps the two of you need to attend Addiction Recovery Program that the Church offers in most areas. It will be better to manage this problem before going to the temple, than have it continue afterward. As long as you are faithful, the Lord will give you all the blessings of the temple and eternity.

[shdwlkr]

Many decades ago I too drank for the plain and simple fact I liked the taste of alcohol and yes I have been sober for many decades. What did it take for me to quit, my doctor daring me to quit because I was heading towards death of my liver and in case you don't know you don't do well without a functioning liver.

I would like to say it was and easy thing to do, but it was not it took a major effort on my part and in the end I finally started feeling better and that gave me the desire to keep going. Now I have a hard time being around alcohol as it plain stinks to me.

With any addiction if the desire to walk away from it isn't there then you will not quit and nothing anyone does, says or doesn't say is going to get you to stop. You have to want to stop and when that happens you will stop, not saying it will be easy but that and only that will give you to desire and strength to quit.

[maiku]

I feel like all previous comments were just awesome.

I would just like to quickly add that if he can get to the point where he WANTS to quit but can't, THEN you have alcohol dependency. When you get to that point, and if he is struggling to let it go, there are resources (as I'm sure you are aware of given your career choice) out there for you.

LDS Family Services

The link is for LDS Family Services, even if there isn't an agency in your area, there are at the least GREAT talks on the website, great for a FHE.