Paranoid? Or afraid of losing a friend?

[Tayo]

This isn't really a problem or anything, but I think I need some advice. Just so you know, I'm a male high school student. Actually, I just turned 17 a couple weeks ago. I guess my question could relate to just about anybody or friend I talk to. Anyway, I have this friend. Technically, I've known her almost all my life since we've been in the same ward since we were like 3 or 4. It wasn't until about high school that I suddenly noticed her again. I feel like an idiot for doing that since I really admire her.

We've had a fine friendship, but for some reason, I've always had a reluctant feeling whenever I talk to her. It's always her that starts talking to me. I just want to be friends is all (I hope you can tell I REALLY despise modern teenage drama.) Actually, one of the reasons I like her is because she's not so dramatic about clothes, boys, or whatever like every other girl and she's actually kind of tomboyish. I don't want to get into all of her great traits, but my point is, I think I'm feeling more than that. I think my problem is just that I honestly believe anything I do to talk to her or involve her (like maybe ask her to a group date) may indicate something. I don't want that and I just want to be friends.

It's nice though that we both plan to go to BYU after High School. I was planning to go there for a bit before my mission and then after my mission. I do want to let her know how I feel someday, but I care more about her happiness. I guess I feel the reason I'm afraid to ask her to do anything or even to start talking to her is because I'm afraid she won't be happy to do anything involving me. (She's invited me and another friend to play video games before though. It's really confusing actually.)

I might just be being paranoid, but I don't know. I didn't want to have to ask for advice about this, but it worries me that she may not want to be my friend if I don't talk to her. (I have no problem when she starts talking to me, and she does it kind of frequently now that I think of it.)

Please don't perceive me as some typical love-struck teen. My main concern is that I'm afraid of losing a friend. My friendship with her means a lot to me. My question: Am I just being paranoid, or should I stay quiet?

[skippy740]

You're confusing me. Let me show you how:

I just want to be friends is all

I think I'm feeling more than that.

I don't want that and I just want to be friends.

I do want to let her know how I feel someday, but I care more about her happiness.

I guess I feel the reason I'm afraid to ask her to do anything or even to start talking to her is because I'm afraid she won't be happy to do anything involving me.

Can you see how this is kinda confusing?

Okay, let's start with this premise: She likes you on some level. This is a good thing.

She is talking to you more frequently and you are feeling that you value friendship more than a possible relationship? Or are you afraid of the eventual break-up and what that could do to your friendship? (I think that's more like it.)

Part of life is in taking some risks! The risk is in letting her know how you feel, but that your friendship is important too... and you don't want to risk that.

I don't have any other advice except that I wouldn't want to say later in life "I wonder what would've happened if..." ?

[Guest]

Talk to her like you would any other friend. Hang out with her like you would any other friend. When you're home from your mission, ask her out.

[Tayo]

Talk to her like you would any other friend. Hang out with her like you would any other friend. When you're home from your mission, ask her out.

That's how I'd like it to go, but yes, it is very confusing to even me. I want the choice to be hers, so I want her to choose a worthy priesthood holder who will make her happy. If that isn't me, that's ok. It only means that if I want it to be me, I just have to work hard to better myself to be more like Christ. I don't want a girlfriend before my mission (for obvious reasons.) I also don't want to be jealous, for a jealous heart will only lead to hatred.

@Eowyn: Yeah, that's exactly how it is, but my only problem is just my reluctance. It's keeping me from talking to her. It's been going on like this for maybe 3 years. I don't know what it is.

@skippy740: Well, the thing is that my brother once asked her sister on a group date thing that was supposed to be random. He kind of went against the rules and requested her specifically. Apparently, she didn't talk to him for awhile once she found out later. They're fine now, though, and he ended up taking her to a dance before his mission. I know they're different, but I think what I'm afraid of is that it might hurt our friendship if I made any indication of something more than that. Maybe I do, but I don't want her to know right now. I'm not planning on a relationship right now, so I only want to have a good friendship. I'm also afraid of forcing people into doing things they don't want to do because they're being nice. She's very nice and I know that. I wouldn't be able to tell if she's doing things just to be nice. I think my problem is that I'm considering how others will feel TOO much.

[Dravin]

I think my problem is that I'm considering how others will feel TOO much.

I don't think it's being considerate of how others feel too much but rather being so worried you're creating emotions on behalf of others. At some point you have to trust that people will actually give voice to emotions and concerns if they have them. Edited November 28, 2011 by Dravin

[Saintmichaeldefendthem1]

This isn't really a problem or anything, but I think I need some advice. Just so you know, I'm a male high school student. Actually, I just turned 17 a couple weeks ago. I guess my question could relate to just about anybody or friend I talk to. Anyway, I have this friend. Technically, I've known her almost all my life since we've been in the same ward since we were like 3 or 4. It wasn't until about high school that I suddenly noticed her again. I feel like an idiot for doing that since I really admire her.

We've had a fine friendship, but for some reason, I've always had a reluctant feeling whenever I talk to her. It's always her that starts talking to me. I just want to be friends is all (I hope you can tell I REALLY despise modern teenage drama.) Actually, one of the reasons I like her is because she's not so dramatic about clothes, boys, or whatever like every other girl and she's actually kind of tomboyish. I don't want to get into all of her great traits, but my point is, I think I'm feeling more than that. I think my problem is just that I honestly believe anything I do to talk to her or involve her (like maybe ask her to a group date) may indicate something. I don't want that and I just want to be friends.

It's nice though that we both plan to go to BYU after High School. I was planning to go there for a bit before my mission and then after my mission. I do want to let her know how I feel someday, but I care more about her happiness. I guess I feel the reason I'm afraid to ask her to do anything or even to start talking to her is because I'm afraid she won't be happy to do anything involving me. (She's invited me and another friend to play video games before though. It's really confusing actually.)

I might just be being paranoid, but I don't know. I didn't want to have to ask for advice about this, but it worries me that she may not want to be my friend if I don't talk to her. (I have no problem when she starts talking to me, and she does it kind of frequently now that I think of it.)

Please don't perceive me as some typical love-struck teen. My main concern is that I'm afraid of losing a friend. My friendship with her means a lot to me. My question: Am I just being paranoid, or should I stay quiet?

I actually think you're going about this the right way, with reluctance. The problems don't start until you fall head-over-heels in love with a girl and then your brain shuts off. People in love tend to ignore red flags and the more practical questions that should be asked when considering a life partner. This is how disasterous mistakes are made.

1. Don't be desperate. You have plenty of time to observe before you act. Use that time.

2. Draw clear lines. Don't be ambiguous or send mixed messages. If you're interest at this point is just to be a friend, make sure you state that clearly.

3. Listen to your faith. There is a reason that clear taboos and imperatives have been established by your religion, to protect you from disaster. The feckless fool is the one who thinks they know better than those who have already travelled this road.

4. Be ready to lose a friend. Friendship is a two way economy of give and take. It requires mutual respect and compatible goals. Losing a friend is more profitable than being mired in a one sided friendship. Learn to keep and treasure friendships that build you up as you build others up and dispense with friendships where the other always takes and never gives.

I hope this helps.

[Tayo]

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. Well, my friendship isn't exactly like that. She does indeed inspire me, build me up, and make me want to become a better person. I desire to better myself everyday because of her.