abuse

[JudoMinja]

One question is what does abuse look like? Am I being abused now? How about now? Or is this a normal parental reaction to stress, or am I not understanding enough?

I went through all this questioning too, especially right after leaving my ex. I was going through counseling, reading everything I could get my hands on about abuse- what it looks like and how to avoid it, etc.- and just putting myself psychologically back together again. I went through months of PTSD and as I started gaining a better understanding of what I'd been put through- how it happens, why it happens, what I should have watched for, better ways I could have reacted, how I could prevent it happening again... I also started questioning everything else around me.

I started looking at my relationships with others and was thinking- well that seems abusive, that is the same thing or similar to what my ex would do to control me, that brings up my fear again... Are all these things abuse too? Was I abused as a child and didn't even realize it and that's why I married an abuser? I was so confused.

I had to look inward to find my answers. I had to make comparisons between what I'd experienced that was unhealthy and what I knew to be healthy. I looked at the result of my relationships, and realized that while those around me certainly did things that could be construed as abusive from time to time, I had developed a strong sense of character and independence through those relationships. While my relationship with my ex tore that apart.

That is why it is so difficult to define a particular action as abusive. When my mother yelled at me it wasn't abuse, but when my ex yelled at me it was. What was the distinction? What was the difference? You have to look at the whole picture.

My relationship with my mother is strong and healthy. When she yells, I understand why. It doesn't destroy my sense of self-worth. It may even build it, depending on the circumstances. Because her attitude and parenting as a whole was and is good. She allowed me the freedom to exercise my agency and be my own person, and encouraged me to grow and pursue success.

My relationship with my ex was quite the opposite. When he yelled, I never knew why. It berated, belittled, confused and frightened me. It destroyed my self-esteem. His whole attitude and demeanor was dominating and controlling. I was given no freedom, was expected to not think for myself, had to conform to his ideals or suffer extreme and harsh punishments.

If you don't have something normal and good to compare an unhealthy relationship to, it is even harder to make the distinction between something that is permissable and something that is not. I think those raised as children in abusive homes have it far worse than those like myself- because I can compare the wrong I experienced to the good of my relationship with my parents. Someone who's parents abused them has nothing to compare, nothing to juxtapose.

For someone in such a situation trying to figure out what abuse looks like, I would say to look inward. Do you feel confident, strong, capable, enlightened, free? When there are problems in your relationship, because all relationships will have their bad moments- even the good ones, do you come out on the other side with a sense that you've been able to compromise and maintain your integrity? Then, I would say the relationship is not abusive. But if you are in a relationship that is causing you to doubt yourself, fills you with uncertainty, a lack of confidence, guilt, pressure, saddness, depression, fear, etc. Then I would say it is very possible you are experiencing abuse.

Another concept hard to grasp was what did forgiveness look like? Feel like? I personally don't have a relationship with this parent; haven't seen or spoken to them for years. When I married, I left the house and in it, left my two younger siblings to a fate that I was clear on how it would turn out. What did forgiveness look like for me when I knew what took place, and still takes place?

For me, forgiveness for my ex means I no longer feel bitter or angry. I have no desire to see him suffer but rather want him to find healing and to succeed. I want him to be happy, as much as anyone else. That doesn't mean I want to see him again. Doesn't mean I trust him or am no longer afraid of him.

You don't have to have a relationship with someone who's hurt you to forgive them. You don't have to let them back into your life. Forgiveness does not mean exposing yourself to the possibility of further abuse. Ideally, I won't ever see my ex again, and if I do it better be a public setting and I will expect him to maintain his distance. There is nothing wrong with maintaining limits and barriers to protect your sanity and safety.

What matters is how you feel toward the individual. If you've forgiven them, you will feel a Christ-like outpouring of desire that they find healing and happiness.