Long intro- addiction, fear, codependency, and more.

[ellebw]

My husband and I have been married almost two years. We are both in our early to mid 20's. Right now I'm just feeling a bit helpless.

When I was a freshman in college I dated a manipulative and emotionally abusive guy who sexually assaulted me and was so demeaning and insulting that a few months after being dumped I developed an eating disorder. It was rather on and off for a few years. A few months after my husband and I got married it really peaked and I essentially fell apart. Husband tried his best to help me however he could, and I really appreciate that. At the beginning of 2011 I started going to a support group and therapy, and the beginning of 2012 I started antidepressants. I haven't purged since March of this year. I also struggled spiritually, as may be expected, but I feel like I've been doing a whole lot better since starting medication.

Before we got engaged my husband disclosed that he had struggled with pornography before and after his mission. I also told him about my ED issues.

In 2011 when I was a really big mess with anxiety, ED, and depression, he told me that he had slipped up with pornography. I felt like it was my fault and fell deeper into depression and ED behavior. For a year I continued to have ED problems and he continued to have pornography problems. Since I have started getting better with my emotional problems, he started not having as many pornography problems. We both have gotten stronger spiritually. I think those three things are definitely connected.

Ever since that first slip up that he had, I've been terrified that he will "get worse". I personally know many women whose marriages have ended because of pornography and other related problems. In January he had been doing really well. In April we decided that we were ready to start trying to conceive our first child. Two days after that decision he slipped up. He has been rocky ever since. Is it wrong to bring a child into the world when I'm so scared that things are going to get worse? Or is it unrealistic to expect that we both be totally "better" (I would use the word "perfect", but I know none of us can be truly perfect... But maybe we can in this area?).

Against my better knowledge I still have feelings of this all being my fault. I know it isn't, but it still feels like it is. If I was more attractive, could satisfy him more, was perfect physically and spiritually, prayed harder enough, attended the temple enough, kept the house clean enough, you name it-- this wouldn't be happening. With each slip up I can pinpoint something I should have done that would have prevented it. I feel resentment because I have let go of my binge/purge addiction but he hasn't let go of pornography. I feel guilty for not being as forgiving of his faults as he has been of mine. I feel fear that I will become one of the ladies I know whose marriages ended in very sad divorces.

I truly want healing and forgiveness, but it's just such a struggle.

Another problem has been his addiction to gaming. I read the sticky thread about gaming addiction, but I couldn't really find exactly what I was looking for... So I'll discuss it here as well. He basically plays the second he gets home until late into the night. Most of the time he will "take a break" to come do something with me if I beg. But I feel like I have to "put in a request" and sometimes he's too in the middle of something to break away and says no. I don't have a problem against gaming in general-- I have played a few games with him and it can be fun-- but I feel second place. I've discussed this with him MANY times. We've talked about him stopping completely, but that doesn't seem fair to take away his hobby. But it also doesn't seem fair that I feel ignored most of the time. He has said he will try to do better, but that only lasts for a week or so.

I guess my main questions are these:

Has anyone been to a pornography addiction support group through LDSFS? Did you find it helpful? Do they pressure everyone to comment, or can you just sit in the back and partake without contributing? The support group for ED I was in through my school was helpful but I felt pressured to do things I didn't always want to do.

Any suggestions on how to stop blaming myself and being so codependent?

How do I go about the gaming addiction? Is there such thing as moderation for a gaming addict, or is it something you have to just quit completely to escape? Is it fair of my to ask that he stop completely, or is this a place to find middle ground? How do I talk about it with him? I tend to get defensive and he feels like he is being attacked when I bring these things up, which I don't want to do.

Thanks for reading. I know it's long, so I appreciate it.

[Dove]

Hello, Elle;

To answer your questions briefly;

I've been to a few LDS addiction recovery meetings. Personally, I've chosen to try and find healing/repentance/recovery through other ways than the 12 step program. A lot of people swear by this program. I am not one. However, you are not pressured to comment and can easily choose not to.

Congratulations on beginning therapy. It helps me to pray and hear the Spirit to stop blaming myself for things that are not my fault. I find HF is much more loving/forgiving/encouraging than anyone I've met here on earth, including myself.

As far as the gaming addiction goes, it sounds to me that your husband has the tendency to become addicted to things. So do I. My experience has been that it's easier to totally refrain from an addiction than try to do it in "moderation." For me, in acknowledging my tendencies to become addicted to almost anything, part of the addiction is the inability to quit once started.

I would suggest that you not have a child at this time. It sounds like there are several things going on that are weakening your marriage. A child would only make it much more complicated. Also, when you speak of taking the blame too much, to me this really sounds like you have been, or are, a victim of abuse. This is why I congratulated you on being in therapy. Might I suggest that you focus on "cleansing you own inner vessel." Work on your own healing~ Then in time you will be able to make a decision concerning your husband/marriage from a better vantage point or perspective.

Best of wishes.

Dove

Edited June 19, 2012 by Dove
typo corrections