Lonely marriage

[missionary0204]

When does the desire to change come? When will he acknowledge that his behavior is unhealthy to our marriage? I realize now that all the times he was "clean" was because I pushed him to . There was no time where he came clean or seemed out help on his own. I'm scared that its not the porn that's ruining our marriage , It's my marriage that's ruining his beloved addiction ..

As years go by, a person often begins to give up trying to quit something that makes them feel ashamed and unworthy. You can only repent so many times for the same offense before you start becoming numb to the guilt that causes a person to want to repent and change. One might give up because they feel as though "all hope is lost!" When "the fever" is satisfied, I am always in my right mind and have no problem doing the right thing. It is after satisfaction that all of the guilt and shame come rolling in. Thoughts, visuals (tv, internet, inappropriately dressed women, dreams), and physical stimulation can bring "the fever" on instantly.

I love my wife, but I can still give into my weakness even though I know it can cause me to lose my exaltation and my eternal family. When certain urges start, it is like you are drugged and your rationale is dulled. You find yourself doing the unthinkable to find relief. Avoiding the triggers is the key. The desire to change can come from something you care about. It was when I realized my wife was having thoughts of leaving me that I went into panic mode and had a massive reality check. After a few years of becoming insensitive, it took a shock to supress my desires and grab onto what was dear to me (my family). The fear and panic drove my mind crazy. The thought of viewing pornography made me sick to my stomach because of the consequences. I always knew what those conosequences were, but I had been praying for help to find the strength to commit myself like I used to have when the issue first started. But like I said, when you mess up again and again, you begin to give up. This is why it is so important to have a support group or loved ones to help motivate you. Most people at first try to fix the problem on their own which creates a bigger problem. I wouldn't speak to my wife at first because she was so innocent and I couldn't stand the idea of crushing her. Later I decided that I had a problem and needed to tell her about it. She was so nieve that she thought it meant that I looked at pictures of girls in a bathing suit or maybe underclothing. Later she asked me to clarify and I explained that it was more than that. That is when she was devastated. This is when she began to have thoughts of leaving me because of the fear that it would destroy our family in the future or even expose our children to it.

Your husband will probably need some sort of shock to bring him back to reality and help him feel godly sorrow again. Right now he hasn't experienced any punishment for his actions so he has nothing to motivate him to change. It may not work either. I wanted to change for both my family and myself. I am very open with my wife. She occassionaly asks if I have messed up and I am honest with her. She is learning to thank me and express gratitude for my success. I have been going strong for many months. Not having complete access to tv, internet, and phone has been a great help. My wife is also trying to be more intimate with me. 1-2 times a week really helps to relieve tension. I find that when I am frustrated with my wife because she ignores me for a week or more, I struggle with temptation more. This does not mean that he gets to take advantage of you. This actually contributed to my problem developing shortly after we were married. I love my wife but my worst fear came true. I am married to a person who doesn't care for sex. The good part of this is that I have grown in many ways. I did not marry my wife for sex otherwise I would have bailed in the first month and I am very happy to be with her. She has grown in many ways by discovering how important it is for her to help me with my needs. Sex alone does not cut it. I need her affection and interest too. Two good books for married couples is "A Sex Starved Marriage" and "His Needs, Her Needs."

I hope something in these paragraphs is helpful in anyway. Being at work limits how much time I can put into my thoughts.

[Tired]

Update: It has a been a rough few days but I'm happy to say that we are headed down the right path. Satan is working hard on me but with the love of The Lord I have been able to sift through this whole mess with out completely losing my mind. We will be attending our first 12 Step support group mtg tonite. I am so grateful for this forum for helping me thru my darkest times. Thank you to all for the advice, support & kind words .

[Davis27]

I think you must ask him before you leave him.Try to understand him that his addiction can cause the divorce.If he really want you than he will avoid that.Otherwise you comes on a final decision.