Trying to understand.

[wyarwehere]

Before I start this, let me preface with a couple of comments. I wasn't brought up in the church, so my background is a mixture of Baptist, IFB, and C&MA before I started studying with the missionaries. This may affect some of my beliefs, but I hope you guys understand.

A few of you may have seen in some of my previous posts, things haven't been the greatest for the last few years. In the last three years, I've landed myself in the state mental hospital for self-harm, SI and depression. I've been on numerous medications, and none really seemed to help.

This last stay ended middle of December. That means I've gone about four and a half months with no hospital visits. The longest I had previously managed to stay out was about six weeks. So that is somewhat encouraging, that I'm doing better than I was.

Since I got out, I've had one incident of self-harm, but I talked to two of my caseworkers after the fact, and their biggest encouragement is to seek help before it gets to that point.

That's where my fear comes in. Everytime in the past that I've tried to seek out help, it usually results in a hospital stay. The idea of that happening again is too much. I'd rather not be alive than be sent back to the state hospital. Just being there initially seems to make things worse. (this last time for about the first month I wouldn't do any personal grooming without a lot of encouragement, and all I did basically was sleep and cry). After about two and a half months things started to look up, but it took that long for me to get out of that funk.

Now here's where the beliefs come into play. In the IFB college/church I went to, I was asked to not come back because I didn't stay on my meds(regardless of the fact that the doctor wouldn't listen that they were making me sick). In the C&MA church I attended, healing was strongly emphasized, and that if you had enough faith, it would happen. Now, I just feel that I can't do it. That it's a weakness that I can't seem to overcome. (Let me state for the record that I have been continuously on my meds since I got out, with the exception of forgetting them on occasion).

Things are finally falling into place. I'm supposed to start a new job anytime soon(as soon as they find a case for me), and I'm getting things arranged to start back to school in the fall in the pre-nursing program(and to get into the actual nursing program, I need almost all A's). It seems now that things are going well, the thoughts/emotions/feelings that come are completely overwhelming.

Any thoughts you guys might have on this would be appreciated, because I'm just so frustrated/confused/upset.

Thanks

[Guest]

Keep trucking! You're doing well!

Take every opportunity to serve in Church or elsewhere. Yes, it might sound funny that I'm telling you to serve others to improve yourself. But that is a great tool for fighting self-harm - to find your worth through what you can bring to others.

Remember... you are kind, you are smart, you are important (from The Help).

Jesus Christ wants you to help build the kingdom. We need you. Be there for us.