Helping My Hopeless Mom

[alison_143]

I was born and raised in Canada and I ended up marrying an American. After going through the lengthy immigration process, my husband and I began building our life together in the US. Only two months after I moved to the US, I received a call from my Dad informing me that when he got home from work that day, he was going to pack up his stuff and he was going to leave my mom. That was about a year and a half ago. He also decided at that time that he was going to stop going to Church. Obviously this was devastating for my mom, my brothers and I, though I have made huge progress on my personal relationship with my dad since then. I have gained an understanding of him and his decisions, though I don't at all agree with them.

In all this time, my parents have never made their separation legal, let alone filed for divorce. My dad didn't leave my mom for another woman, so that's a non-issue. My dad's issues are more based on tiny annoyances that he has let fester and become huge obstacles. After leaving, my dad has decided it's easier to do nothing and my mom has been clinging to the hope that he will come back one day. For this past year and a half, everything has just been in limbo. Mom has no closure and no reason to start moving on (though she has been taking steps toward establishing a small career), and dad just can't bring himself to do anything. He has his own apartment and has become comfortable. I talk with my dad very openly about how he needs to make a move one way or another to release mom from this state of limbo, but he doesn't. He's gone to a divorce lawyer and still couldn't bring himself to move forward. My dad still cares for my mom financially, so he hasn't just left her to fend for herself, but he has "checked out" spiritually so appealing to him an eternal sense is simply ineffective.

Next week my mom is coming to visit me and my family for three weeks. Though their separation happened a long time ago, her wounds have never healed. She still cries often, and has told me she's hopeless for her own future being alone. She attends the temple regularly and studies the scriptures daily. She is a very spiritual woman, but can't seem to lift herself out of her own pity party.

My question: What can I do (if anything) to help my mom at least gain some sort of hope? I think she's coming here more as a distraction than anything, but when she has to go back home, everything with still be just as miserable for her as it was when she left. Does anyone have advice on how to help her see that her eternity isn't doomed if she grows old alone?

Thanks

[MormonMama]

Is your mom getting any kind of counseling? Has she seen a doctor to determine if she is suffering from depression (not just the "life sucks" kind, but the kind with a hormonal or chemical cause)? A year and a half is a long time to mope. Certainly your dad refusing to make a decision one way or the other isn't helping, but at this point she shouldn't still be mired as deeply in sad, hopeless feelings. Has she counseled with her bishop?

If I were your mom I would probably have instigated divorce proceedings by now, but it sounds like your mom just isn't willing or emotionally able to do that. I'm wondering if your dad is trying to further avoid being the "bad guy" by not divorcing your mom, in the hopes that your mom will divorce him. I say that because I wanted a divorce from my first husband LONG before I finally filed, in part because I didn't want to be the "bad guy".

Good luck. This is a hard situation and I doubt there's any one right or wrong answer here. If your mom isn't getting any kind of counseling I would recommend strongly encouraging her to do so. Counseling with her bishop especially could help her decide what to do and how to move forward. If she is already in counseling and it's not helping, I'd find a different counselor. Sometimes you just need a different perspective.

[Quin]

Aw heck... At 1.5 years post sep I could still have tattooed 'Hot Mess' on my forehead. Not only that, but I wasn't divorced, yet, either... Although I'd filed ASAP. (No separation to draw things out, like many/most do in LTMs).

Separation & divorce can take a looooong time. Even with both partners are highly motivated. My attorney said that most separations last 1-3 years ... And then either the divorce moves "fast" (in my state 6mknths... Although many states have a 1year to 18mo waiting period, while others only have a 90day cool off...not sure about Canada) or a divorce can drag out for several YEARS. It's not common for divorces to take 5+ years, but many do. Mine "only" took 2 years. And for the next solid year I was still a mess off and on. I think at 2 years I graduated from HotMess to Lukewarm Mess. Or 'Caution:Unexpected bouts of Drama'.

Your mom's only 18mo into her separation.

That's nuthin' in Divorce-land.

ESPECIALLY if she was a SAHM Or Housewife. I've heard stats that it takes former SAHMs an average of FIVE years just to get back on their feet again.

Divorce following long term marriages aren't the quick/"easy" divorces one sees in 20 something's, or even 30 something's.... Where a couple months down the road (no assets really to split, only a few years of history, nothing rally "big" that can't be course corrected for,) both partners are full steam and straight ahead. Long term marriages dissolving is a lot more like a death. People have given up and given over whole lives. They have 401ks (or no chance to start one), houses, decades of history/assets/regrets/hopes.

It takes. LOT of time for most people to process (5 years)

There is a LOT of grieving.

There is a LOT of guilt (ESP over choices one wouldn't change, like staying home or working that temp job... Instead of the career they're too old to start, etc. Wouldn't trade raising your kids, but now they're high and dry and earning less than their kids are and feeling like burdens, and hating feeling guilty and hating not being "smarter", and hating hating...)

There is a LOT of reconciling

The list just keeps going.

While I'm a strong 2nd for counseling, and being supportive, etc....

I also think you're expecting too much of your mom too fast.

Q