Is it time to walk away?

[Caron]

I'm new here so hello! Been with my partner 12 years, mostly good until his son arrived, lots of issues and disagreements, not able to team work, agree etc, lived apart but stayed a couple. Now living together again but problem with son not keeping himself clean, me having to raise the issue on a weekly basis, partner taking offence, resulting in argument and not talking, so it never gets resolved.

Feel my partner is not listening to me, doesn't take on board what I say and turns it around so he is the victim and I am the baddie. Is asking that his son washes too much to be able to expect - it would appear so.

Starting to feel that this is never going to work, esp if we can't sit down and discuss things without him taking offence all the time and not speaking to me; starting to feel like I am wasting my time, he is hurting me very much and our relationship, his actions don't tell me he is wanting to save this or values me enough to fight for us and I can't do all the work, it takes two.

The issue of his son not washing should have been resolved ages ago, my partner is either incapable of parenting his son (son is nearly 18!) or just flatly refuses to do it so is happy to allow me to remain unhappy at the situation.

I love him but I am thinking this will never change and I should get out now, anyone got any advice or thoughts on this, I feel so frustrated at it all.

[Windseeker]

Why can't you just ignore his son and how often he washes? What harm is it doing to you? It seems like you are hyperfocused on this and it's not doing anyone any good other than causing lots of contention.

[Dravin]

If you can get it I suggest marriage counseling, even if he is unwilling to go with you. What is the point you may ask? You may lean better ways of addressing the issue, it is very easy for how we think we are communicating to not match up with how we actually are communicating, for example the whole "I feel" versus "You are" approach to sharing thoughts. The former is less likely to be perceived as an accusation than the latter.

Also, just a heads up, your husband is not here and you can't make him change, as a result most if not all of the advice you are going receive will be focused on what you can do. This is obvious when not the target of such advice but experience seems to show that when one is the target of such advice it can feel like one is being pegged as the sole cause of the situation. So just a reminder about why there is such a focus on what you can do, on how you can change, because there isn't any practical point to talking about what he can do and what he can change as he's not here.

Edited August 9, 2013 by Dravin

[Leah]

You refer to him as your "partner". Are you two married?

By stating that his son doesn't wash...are you referring to showering or bathing? Does he not shower often enough in your opinion? Is that you are saying?