I just scanned this forum, and, having been through and still in the process on this myself, must add something. First, think of the story of Brigham Young standing at general conference and stating that the business of that meeting is rescuing the Willey handcart company, that all the prayers won't save them, only food, clothing and shelter will save them. Most of what I have read here fits the bill of prayers - not meat and and potatoes. I have personally grown tired of advice to read scriptures and pray, not that they aren't essential, but they don't help manage the day-to-day pain, and they don't really offer answers to the "how tos." So let me offer some meat. Several books you MUST read as fast as you can get your hands on them, I don't have the authors with me, but the names are accurate - Love Must be Tough by James Dobson, that tells you how to end the affair by creating a conflict. Not an angry conflict, simply a very tactful way to draw the line. The key is to let them know that you love them enough to let them go. It is amazing what telling this to someone will do. Much of an affair is the secrecy and excitement. When the door is suddenly opened, the cheater is completely disarmed. Second, How to Survive an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs - both by Willar Harley. Chapters 4 and 5 of How to Survive are about ending an affair. There must be a very clear end before you can begin to rebuild. Some very good information. Third, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Read from cover to cover, then have your husband read it. A lot for both the betrayed spouse and the cheater. A lot of info that will help both you and your husband understand how and why things like this can happen, as well as some good coaching. Next, go to How to Survive An Affair -Sales and sign up for the free emails. Dr. Guzburg has some wonderful articles that he sends out weekly. A must read. He also has a book about how to rebuild that I have not yet purchased. Pay particular attention to the articles about how to re-build trust, and make sure your husband reads them. Next, go to Surviving Infidelity and Recovering From Affairs - Beyondaffairs.com and sign up for Ann Brecht's emails. She and her husband also do telephone coaching and have weekend seminars for re-building. Yes, don't forget your bishop, scriptures or prayer, but you will do yourself a world of good by getting your hands on some meat and potatoes. I think all bishops should be required to read these books so they have a better understanding of what happens in the minds and hearts of people who cheat. It is not as simple as I used to believe, nor as simple as most religiously committed people believe. This does not change responsibility or accountability, but it helps understanding. As Ann Brecht told me, read and educate yourself before you make any rash decisions. I can't recommend this material strong enough. I would plead for you or anyone else reading this string to do the same. I have not found any resources in the church, including their programs on addiction or marraige to compare. Other very good sites are Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice. This is Willard Harley's web site. Tons of stuff here. Bottom line, take action, read and learn, and ask your husband to do the same. As some authors put it, this is temporary insanity, and in many cases is like an addiction. Prayers help. Most bishops are ill prepared to assist, as is the case with many professional LDS counselors. You need help from those who have dedicated their work to surviving and rebuilding.
