Ruthie, thanks for your comment - it's very perceptive and helpful. I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with home teaching - but I really don't want to be the "keep him active" companion. That's my whole concern, really. I don't want to be anyone's project, as any enjoyment I could get from church would be pretty much gone at that point.
In terms of my feelings about the Church....the real problem is that I just don't believe anything all that much. I've had spiritual experiences and at least one that is very difficult to rationalize away, but I can't seem to find the motivation to move forward spiritually. This isn't the Church's problem, God's problem, or my EQP's problem - it's mine and I simply need to commit more fully, if only to figure out for sure where I am. So I'm OK with being honest about that, but I worry that trying to engage more than just coming on Sundays will be an invitation to be a project, and I just cannot see myself being willing to tolerate that. In my last ward, I participated as an instructor because there were almost no active members and I really didn't want to be a part of the problem there. So I taught the lessons, and by most accounts did OK, but I didn't feel honest teaching principles to which I haven't really committed. But I can't think of a way to avoid that situation without being at least somewhat honest about my situation, and that honesty may well put me in a position where I'm a project. Sorry that's long and rambling
Moksha, thank you as well. There is much that I admire about the Church, and there's obviously everything to admire about the Savior. It may simply be that my personal commitment needs to improve - where I am now, everything bothers me, be it the Church's politics (let's please not talk about that in this thread) or the clumsy commitment pattern attempts of the EQP. That's not appropriate or helpful to anyone, but I think it's kinda where I am, so I want to try to figure out how to approach the next ward and make it the best experience I can.