secretsister

Hi, I got brave last night and had a long talk with my husband. He's been acting pretty normal and not being critical at all, so I thought it may be a good time. I prayed all day for help and the words to tell him, and for his heart to be prepared to hear what I had to say. I began by telling him that I was nervous about talking to him because I was afraid he would not understand or get angry. I told him I love him very much and in most ways I think he's a good man. I told him that I was worried about our marriage and I really want to figure out what to do to have a good marriage together. I told him that I think he says and does things, when he's angry, that he does not remember. I explained that when he gets that way, he does not act like the H I know and so it has led me to wonder if he has an illness such as a chemical imbalance or a hormonal issue going on. Well, being in a normal mood, he didn't overreact. He listened to me until I was finished. Then, he told me that he did not have a mental illness. I make up things and hear him say what I want to hear him say. I dwell on an argument long after it is over and he can't even recall it since it wasn't a big deal. I am the cause of every argument because I say things to hurt him and I do not care about his feelings. In his experience, bishops and counselors only allow you to have gripe sessions, then validate you in your complaining. They do not help. Prophets have said that you should work out your problems together and accept each other and counselling is not advised unless the problem is serious. He doesn't consider ours serious. He said I just have to accept him the way he is. He said that IF he said the things I say he did, they were wrong, and he's sorry, but he believes I made it up. He said that I can go to the Branch President or a counselor if I want but it will be "the beginning of the end." He said he will not go, he will not seek counselling and he does not have a problem. He wanted to rehash the last argument. I told him I didn't want to bring up old issues, but he insisted. He said he didn't even remember what it was about. I told him it was when he got mad about a thread on his clean garments. He said that I hurt his feelings deeply because when he told me the laundry wasn't done properly and should not have a string on it, I didn't take accountability for it. He wanted me to acknowledge that the string should not have been there and I had made a mistake. By telling him that it wasn't a big deal or that the string was clean, it sent him the message that I do not care about him and only wanted to make excuses for my own mistakes. Does this make any sense? At the time, we were joking around and I, at first, thought he was joking by acting mad about it. My responses, at first, were based on that assumption. Then, when I realized he wasn't joking, I just couldn't get my mind around the fact that anyone could be that upset over it. It had absolutely nothing to do with not caring about his feelings. He told me last night, that a string in the laundry is a huge thing. It is like the shuttle that exploded because one screw was out of place. It was only one little screw, but it had a huge impact. Am I to think someone may die if a string gets in the laundry? HELP! I'm afraid. I am going to talk with my BP again and tell him I told my H I'm talking to him. I have an appointment with a counselor too. I think it will be a self fulfilling prophecy for my H if I do these things. He will just set his mind toward divorce. I feel like I don't have any other options. I've been trying to work it out without help for a year and a half now. Secretsister

They want to help, but are not sure how. I don't want my husband to know I've talked with my BP. I realize that it may come to the point where I have to let him know or they will need to confront him, but it's scary. I would do it in a heartbeat if I was sure it would help, but my fear is that it will damage our marriage even more. This makes a lot of sense and I have tried some various responses. He gets in moods where he "picks" at me. He criticizes a lot of things I do and acts irritated with me a lot. I can usually last about three days worth, then I start getting irritated in my responses. This is the "permission" he needs to blow up and blame me for it because of my "tone." This last time, he was simmering for about three weeks. I was proud that I kept my cool, but then, I thought it was over as he was in a good mood again, but no... the sudden blow up with no warning at all. I am really thinking he has a mood disorder of some kind. I am trying to get an appointment with a counselor now. I realize I need help learning how to change b to x! My H is such a smart man and my brain does not comprehend how he can ask such dumb questions, so I think he's asking to annoy me or because he is annoyed with me. Questions like, "Why is there water on your shoulder?" Answer: Because I just got out of the shower and my hair is wet. Can a man actually watch a woman combing her wet hair and NOT know why there are drops of water on her shoulder? I call this his "Duh" mood. It precedes the blow up, usually. I've been having a super hard time getting over this last episode, which was almost three weeks ago. He's better and acting nice, but I just can't act happy as if nothing happened. Up until now, I've just tried to forgive him and move on, hoping it would just get better as he learned to trust me... I guess I was thinking it was an adjustment period for him. Well, I have my own background with my own emotional issues. So when he told me I was "completely useless," and didn't do anything right, it hurt a lot. I guess I've been giving 200%, yet knowing it isn't enough. So, his statement confirmed it. Then, I was praying when he walked into our room and he told me, "That won't help you." I've tried to tell him, now that he's in a normal mood, how much he hurt me, but he refuses to listen. He gets defensive and denies saying what he said. He tells me I make things up. Last night, he said he was worried about me as I've been depressed. He said he hopes I feel happier soon. Then he told me he feels like it's all his fault. That surprised me. I didn't want to hit him by rehashing all the things he's done to hurt me... I guess deep down he knows. I just said, "I know you don't mean it." He didn't say anything else and I didn't know what to say. I see him trying to hold in his anger. I think that's why he simmered for three weeks this last time. I think he's trying to overcome it, but it eventually gets the best of him. He occasionally jokes about being in his "manic" mood or some other joke about a mood disorder. Maybe he's trying to feel me out on what I think of it. A few times, it has been natural for me to make a comment about how I think it's acceptable for someone with that problem to take meds. I want him to know I would not think he's weak if he needed meds. CountryGirl, thank you for your input too. It helps to know I'm not alone. I wish someone had a magic wand. I don't like to hear, "It's not easy." But, that is the reality and I'm happy for the support and encouragement. Secretsister

Countrygirl66, I'm interested to know more about how you came to solutions in your marriage. My H has the same idea about mental illness being a weakness. I don't think his home life was that strict, but he was in the military for 23 years. How did you get your H to admit a need for help and get antidepressants? How do you stand up for yourself without making it worse? The more I defend myself, the angrier he gets. Thanks for your input. Secretsister

Your replies are exactly what I need, thank you. I have been confiding in a good friend, but I do not want to dump on her too much. She doesn't mind, but it can be emotionally draining to be around someone as needy as I am right now. So, having this new place to vent a bit will be helpful, I think. I did confide in my branch president ( I AM the RS president.) It wasn't comfortable as at the very beginning of our marriage, my husband told me that if I ever felt the need to talk to anyone about our marriage issues, he would want me to tell him first. I promised I would. Well, I tried once and he got super upset and "convinced" me not to go. So, I talked with the BP without telling him. I feel guilty and relieved at the same time. I explained all of this to my BP and asked him not to speak to my husband about it. He is hoping for a window of opportunity to open to discuss marriage in general to see if my husband confides in him at all. He also spoke with the Stake president about it, so it is not being dropped or ignored. They are trying to help without making it worse. I have a feeling it will eventually come down to a huge confrontation that will lead to him getting help or will lead to our end. That is so scary... right now, I'm not sure which I would want more. I had a hard life being a single parent, but I was so much happier. Yesterday, I was so depressed, I had a hard time getting out of bed. I forced myself to go out in the garden and harvest all the beans, turnips and carrots, then I canned the carrots. He seemed in a good mood when he got home, so I went out to the garden with him and proudly showed him all I had done. He said, "You didn't pick the grapes?" Today, I don't want to do anything. The more he criticizes, the more I become the failure he thinks I am. I'm going to call for an appointment today with a counselor too. He has forbid it before, but now has ordered me to go. I'm glad to comply! There is not an LDS counselor I can see, but I hope to find one who will be helpful. Again, thank you so much for the support and good suggestions and prayers. Secretsister

Hi, I'm looking for a place to vent and find support. Both my husband and I have been married before. We have been married to each other for 1 1/2 years now. Generally, he is a good man. He is strong in the church, lives the standards, attends the temple, etc. I think that he loves me, although I have begun to question that. This is why: Since we've been married, he has severe moodiness. It's always about something different and always about something very insignificant. For instance, this last time, we were laughing and joking together and a piece of thread was found on his garments. He blew up at me saying the string was filthy and I don't do his laundry properly. I tried to calm him down by explaining that the thread was clean as it too went through the wash and he shouldn't be so upset about it. He said extremely hurtful things to me and barely talked to me for a week. He did try to make up with me the next day, but I told him I was still hurt by what he said. Instead of apolagizing, he told me to get a job since I don't do anything at home. (Which is not true) When these "episodes" happen, he continues to go to work and church and act completely normal. At home, he stays in his room, refuses to speak to me, locks me out of our room at night, and says that it is all my fault. To him, I am too sensative, defensive and prideful. In my mind, I have changed so many thing for him... that I think are silly, like making his sandwhich on a paper towel because I don't wash the counter well enough. I don't mind doing things for him when he asks me to. I do not like being lectured like I'm stupid. I had to listen to a 20 minute lecture on the way to the temple about why I should pluck all the grapes off the vine then wash them with friction instead of rinsing them and serving them to him still in a bunch. He said I was lazy if I didn't agree "Now that I'd been told a better way." When he's not like this, we talk about everything, barely argue, and when we do, it lasts a few minutes. I try to tell him he seems to cycle with mood swings, but he denies it and blames me. This time, he is not coming out of it. I think it's my fault because I can't forgive him. I can't simply forget the things he said and be happy and bubbly like he wants right now. He just wakes up one day and says, "Let's make up." Then, he gets super happy and acts like nothing ever happened. I just couldn't do it this time and so the irritability continues. If he forgets something, it's because I didn't remind him. If he doesn't recall something we talked about, it's because I didn't communicate it in a way he could understand. If I make a mistake, it's unforgiveable. If he makes a mistake, it's, "Oh well!" We recently got approval to be sealed in the temple. I don't want to. I feel trapped now, how would I feel knowing I'm stuck for eternity? I keep praying for the desire, but I'm not getting anywhere. I did get confirmation when I asked about marrying him, but of course, now, I question my interpretation of that. I love him, but we don't have a strong history of good times for me to get through this. I wonder if it is an illness, but he will not acknowledge he is behaving abnormally. He will not seek help and is angry at me because I want to. Thanks for listening. Secretsister