qtpie09

Thank you to everyone. I hope I can continue to be of support to others. I feel I am experiencing this regardless of whether or not I want to be, so I want to learn as much as I can and also help as many people who may be in a similar struggle. My testimony of prayer is the greatest gift that I have received from this situation. Ask for strength and be faithful in gospel and there will be blessings. We may not see them or understand them immediately, but they will be there. :) D&C section 58:3-4 “Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation." “For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand."

Hi friends! It's been a rough several month and I have to be honest and say that I'm emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. But I want to reach out and give an update, hopefully helping anyone out there who is enduring similar trials. Since my last update, my husband's son has been born. He's 2 months old. I haven't seen him except for a picture that was sent to my phone after I asked "how could you leave me and our life?" My husband's response...no words, just a single picture of his 2 week old son. After that, i understood. This child didn't ask to be brought into this world under these circumstances. The complicated life of having to grow up with a mother, a father, and dad's wife (who he was married to for 5 years before you were born) is too much to comprehend as an adult, let alone have that be a child's reality. Emotionally I had prepared myself to be a positive role model and second mother to his child, but that was selfish of me to even dream of. That path would have been draining and unfulfilling for me as a woman and I see that now. But it still hurts to think that he chose to leave me, instead of giving us that chance. I have so many mixed emotions and feelings about what is going on. Many will say that i shouldn't worry about his life and his choices anymore. But I still struggle to let go. I don't believe my husband has to be with this other woman just because she fathered his child. He says he is with her because he can't see another man coming into her life and raising his son. He says he doesn't love her and is only with her out of obligation, but it doesn't make sense. How is that giving his son a good life? Isn't it better to have the child grow up knowing that his mother and father are not together, than it is to live a lie and create a false reality for the kid only to split up 10 years later because you never loved his mother? I guess it's not my place to care anymore, but I do. I care not only for his child, but I care for my husband. Despite everything, I still love him and want him to be happy. Today I am struggling with more pain that has come from this situation. My (soon to be ex) husband has never been active in the church throughout our marriage. He knows that my dream was for us to be sealed in the temple. That was always his promise to me, that he would go back to church and we would be sealed...but there was always an excuse... work, too tired from work, other obligations, etc. When i found out about his cheating and that a baby was on the way, he refused to talk to the Bishop and shunned any spiritual councel, even conference talks and scripture excerpts. Now, he tells me that she is taking the missionary discussions and they are reading scriptures every night. He is going to see the Bishop to start the repentance process and wants to change his life for his "new family". I am ashamed to say it, but I don't want him to become a better person for her. I have been the one who has gone through 7 years of struggles and have stood by his side and given anything and everything of myself. I've been the one who has been a good example and a loving wife, all the while waiting for him to be "ready" to become active and take me to the temple. Why wasn't I good enough for him to want to seek the blessings of the Gospel? Why was he such a coward that he had to wait until we were divorced to go see the Bishop? I know it's because it's easier for him now. He doesn't have to face me and put any effort into reconciling our marriage. It just hurts that i wasn't good enough for him to fight for and put effort into. i guess what I am struggling with is how to not feel resentment for something that i know is a good thing for his life. I've always wanted him to become stronger in the Gospel because I saw his potential and I saw that he was always fighting temptations of the world. I know that the stronger he becomes in the Gospel, the stronger he will be to fight those temptations. He is going to be an amazing father. I know that with all my heart. That's a huge reason I married him. I also know that once equipped with the right tools and the right mindset, he will be an amazing spouse. I experienced a good life with him, but I know it could have been amazing with the Gospel in our lives. The pain I feel today is that i will never experience that life I dreamed of with him and that someone else will. I gave up so many years of my life and will receive nothing in return. I hate myself for not wanting her to learn the gospel and for him to hurt her the way he hurt me. I hate that I'm that selfish. i know i've spilled my guts here, but it's been a while. I am hanging on and hoping better things come my way soon. I turn 30 next month. I hope that's an opening to a better chapter of my life. I guess we'll see :)

Again I have to thank everyone for their amazing support. *HUGS* I only hope that by posting my story, I am able to help others who may be experiencing a similar situation. Are there days when this feels like it's the end of all hope? Heck yeah! But I know I am making the healthiest decision for myself, mentally and spiritually. I have learned that no matter how much you love someone else, you can't lose sight of who you are as a person and you can't let go of what makes you love yourself. Also, I have learned to let the Savior in my life ---it's not a sign of weakness to turn to someone else for help, we can't do it all, we can't bear it all. I have been blessed with the Gospel in my life and I will never again take it for granted. I never thought I would be so low that the Gospel literally was ALL I had to turn to, but I will tell you that my testimony has grown exponentially over this past year because I have been lifted up from the lowest point I've ever been. Yep, it's been almost a year since my husband left (Memorial Day 2008), and it's a bit ironic that his child with this other woman will be due about the same time he left. It seems unfair that he has something to hold on to to help him move forward, when he is the one that has left me with nothing....yanked the rug out from under me, watched me fall on my face, kicked me around a bit (not in the literal sense) and now he's saying "why can't you get up and move on?" I know I will be in a better place emotionally, physically, and spiritually soon...but i'm pretty banged up and bruised and getting up to move on is a bit rough. I lost my patriachal blessing years back (yes, years) but I have put in a request to get a copy sent to me. It's been so long, I don't really remember what it says...I can't wait to read it. I'm ready to get on track to living righteously so I can gain those blessings promised to me. Only because I love him so deeply, do I pray that I will be an inspiration to my husband so that he will see the happiness that comes from living righteously and will want the same for him and his son. I am not holding on to us ever being together again, but I do care for him and hope for his happiness. That's all we ever wanted for each other...happiness. :) I'll update you all soon. Til then, you are all in my prayers!

Well it's been forever since I've given an update, so I thought I would let you all know what's going on. I am finally going through with the divorce process. I figure it's not much different than what I've been living for the past year...it will just be on paper now. I am tired of giving, tired of waiting, tired of feeling tired...I'm just done. I thought a huge weight would be lifted off my shoulders after making this decision, but my feelings are just as raw as when my husband first left me. Maybe that will soon change now that I have no hopes or dreams left of him coming home and humbling himself enough to follow the repentance process. I am just sad that someone I loved and thought I knew has changed into such a sad person, leading such a sad and pathetic life with no desire to change. Who knows if I will ever be able to love again...or trust again... but I don't see it happening. I was innocent before he came into my life, now I feel used and jaded. So, now it's on to the divorced life...not "single", not "married", not "in a relationship"......"DIVORCED/unwanted"...ugh....i need some chocolate :-)

Cadley-- I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's sad, but it sounds exactly like my situation--minus having any children involved. My marriage sounds a lot like yours....pretty good the first year, okay the second year, and all the time since then has been like having a roommate --one you just have to clean up after or it will never get done. I have a thread here too...Infidelity Resulting in Pregnancy, so check it out. We have a lot in common. My husband left me after 4 1/2 yrs of marriage, had an affair with his 21 yr old employee (who he told me was just a friend), then 6 months later told me he wanted to reconcile. Two weeks after we had been working hard to patch things up, he found out the other woman was pregnant. She got pregnant about the same time he told her he was going to work things out with me---how convenient. After he found out, he left me again not telling me why. Then at the end of October, when I was almost finished with the divorce papers, he told me the only reason he left was because he cheated and he found out this girl was pregnant, but he loved me and wanted our marriage to work out. Since then, he has put little to no effort into our marriage/relationship. He says he has too much on his plate and can't deal with everything at once. Since the baby situation is an absolute, he has to focus on that first. I have dealt with my husband still seeing the other woman because he doesn't feel right leaving her alone. He lives back with his grandparents (where he grew up) and I am all alone. He splits his time between me and her depending on how our work schedules are that week, and tells me he can't do anything to work out his feelings until after the baby is born. So, we're in limbo for the next 2 months(the baby is due mid-May)...I have everything to lose, she has everything to gain. He says he doesn't love her, but is worried about her well-being and feels obligated to take care of her because she is carrying his only child. It's a mess...I'm sorry you're experiencing something somewhat similar. I have had the blessing of receiving tremendous support on this site. I'm glad you are reaching out. Through the last 6 months, I've learned so much about myself. Don't forget to take care of yourself. It will be easy to focus solely on the situation, but don't let it consume you. Here is an article that helped me: LDS.org - Liahona Article - Enriching Your Marriage ...also I'm reading an awesome book called CODEPENDANCY NO MORE by Melody Beattie. It's a great book for those of us who give and give and give and gain nothing in return until we lose ourselves. It helps you focus on yourself and not the things that are out of your control--like other people's actions. Take this time to focus on YOU. I can't say right now that my situation is what I want it to be, but I am feeling more confident and I have more self worth. Whatever happens with my marriage, I know I will be okay. I hope you can find strength through these tough times. Please let me know if you need a shoulder to lean on. You're in my prayers!!!!

I am so sorry you are in such a painful situation. I can truly relate and want you to know that the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and not loose sight of your own eternal progression. You can't force a relationship, especially if the other person doesn't want it...that only causes resentment and will never truly heal any damage that has been done. What you CAN do is work on the only aspect you do have control over...YOU. Focus on anything and everything to better yourself as a person--spiritually, physically, and socially. Who knows, maybe that will be the ticket to him realizing what he is about to lose. Or, if the marriage fails, at least you will have hope of a better life for yourself. There are many red flags here...it's best to not ignore them. I did in my own marriage for many years and the result was an utter catastrophy. Text messaging other girls and shady behavior was the beginning of our troubles also. Then my husband cheated on me and got another girl pregnant. I pray you never have to endure the kind of pain I am experiencing-- which is why I felt so strongly to respond to your post. If you feel something is not right, it probably isn't. If you don't question him, he will just keep being shady and think he's getting away with his behavior. You are worth more and deserve more than he is contributing to the marriage right now. Please message me if you want. My prayers are with you!

Wow...seems like there has been a lot of great discussion going on in the past several days. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. I have taken so much valuable information away from these recent posts. Today my thoughts have been around the amazing healing that comes from the repentance process. I feel that the healing power of the Atonement is not only for the wayward spouse who has humbled themselves enough to commit to the repentance process, but also for the spouse that has been cheated on. The healing for that person comes from seeing their wayward spouse make the necessary changes to truly repent, by seeing them draw nearer to the Lord, and by feeling the spirit flow into the marriage because you are both on the same path toward righteousness. Also healing comes from feeling the wayward spouse is sincere in their efforts and from the ACTIONS that must accompany the promises that are made to never again stray from the marriage. Without this process, neither spouse can truly heal from the pain that has been caused. No.....my husband has not shown any desire to commit to our marriage and has not humbled himself to the point to visit with the bishop about what has happened, thus shunning the repentance process--but that doesn't mean it will never happen. The question is, IF it happens will it be too late? The more I become self reliant and feel my self esteem rise, the more I know I am worth more from my spouse than what he is providing or has provided in the past. I know that if he decides to not truly repent for his sins, I must move on. As time goes on, it becomes easier and easier to invision my life without him. Healing for me right now is time, counselling, and spiritual guidance. Am I handling this WAY different than anyone else would? Sure. Do I look like I am allowing myself to be a "doormat" for him? Sure. We are all different and nobody truly knows what they would do in a situation like this until it happens to them. I used to always say that if my husband cheated on me, I would be gone in a heartbeat. But what I am finding is that I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life. I would have always wondered if he would have "come around" and been willing to repair our marriage. Now that I have spent many months giving him a chance and seeing that he is still unwilling to change, that's where my healing begins and I am slowly feeling myself fall out of love. There is pain with either decision, but I feel I have made the decisions that have been best for me--maybe not the best decisions based on what others want for me though. Whatever it's worth, I feel I am learning valuable lessons that I will cherish for all eternity and are molding me into the person and spouse I want to be. :)

<Madriglace> Thank you for those lyrics...i can only imagine how more special they are put to music. This was just the "pick me up" I needed today. So often I feel like my whole world is changing and I have no control...I'm powerless. So the line "Can you feel His power ‘round you when your own is not enough?" really touched me. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not alone in this. After so many years of not having any self esteem and forgetting my own self worth, it's a constant struggle to not fall back into thinking and feeling like there is no hope and my life ends here. Like you said..."the possibilities are endless" :-) Thank you so much for your kindness!

Hey all!!! Sorry I've been MIA lately. Home computer crashed and the only link to the internet was via Blackberry (good for texting, not blogging or updating everyone on here). So...I'm back in business with our home computer back up and running. Just got home from a 8 day trip to Phoenix to see my little sis and I got to visit a friend from WAAAY back who is now married and has 2 kids. It was a great vacation...away from all the drama!! Actually, I thought seriously about not coming back. I just wish it was that easy! With a house, a job, not too much cash saved up to fall back on...that would be pretty much impossible. But hey, a girl can dream. It was interesting to be smack dab back in the middle of single life though. My sis is 25 and has a 19 yr old roommate. Both are very active in the singles ward, so our week was jammed full of activities like FHE, visiting teaching, group outings, etc. Very surreal and awkward...I felt OLD (and I'm only 29)!!! Mostly, I just don't want to go back to those days. Ugh. I'm definitely in the family-mode of my life. Entering the mid-20s singles scene again would be dreadful and painful! Oh well....I'm not even thinking about that really now that I'm home. So, not too much to update you all on with my situation. I am actually doing pretty well. I started seeing a new therapist, who happens to work in conjunction with my husbands therapist...that was just a coincidence. So, my husband actually mentioned getting to a point where we could start going to marriage councelling with all of us together. Dunno. He still has a lot to prove. Right now I'm just doing anything and everything to make myself happy...hence the trip to Phoenix on a whim. :) I start Weight Watchers this Thursday with a friend from work--always a good way to feel better about yourself--shed a few pounds :) Also, I am getting a membership to the local YMCA so I can start going to areobics classes--and I might try some karate. And the thing I'm most excited about is that I'm going back to church...this Sunday in fact. My new work schedule has me off on Sundays--for the first time in 5 yrs!!!! Things are looking up for me...even if my marriage really isn't going anywhere. The way I look at it...I'm going to do everything to better myself....if he wants to come along, then great....get to work buddy. If not, then I know I will be preparing myself for a better life than what I will ever have with him. Well...that's all folks. I'll keep you posted better now that I have a computer :) LaTerS~ qypie09

<<Sakuragirl>> Thanks so much for your kindness. It's really been the strength of the people around me and of this site that has allowed me to find my own strength. I don't know what the future has in store, but that's the beauty of it...I can make that future anything I want it to be. Slowly I am seeing that all the things I blamed myself for were never really my fault--I was just manipulated into believing they were. I will never let another person hurt me this way. Thank you for your support. Everything seems so surreal right now. But when it rains, it pours...a good friend from HS passed away yesterday and this morning I was in a car accident (thanks to our wonderful ice storm) and totaled my car. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me to be putting me through all this, but it better be good. lol :)

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. To say the least, I am just emotionally and physically drained. I have done my best to gear up for this outcome, but nobody can really prepare themselves. I have been yo-yoed around so much this past year, I really don't know how to feel right now. I feel more empowered and more sure of what I want in a marriage though...and I know this is certainly not what I want. I think I have come to terms with the fact that I will always love my husband, but we're just not on the same path. I used to think that if I still loved him, I had to fight to be with him and make our marriage work. Now I know that I can still love him, but I don't have to accept the way he is treating me or be in a relationship where I get nothing back from all that I give. Over the past several months I have learned so much about myself and I will cherish the lessons I have learned from this experience...and just pray I never have to go through it again. Part of letting go is also finding myself again. My husband was everything to me...my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love, my first everything. I became totally consumed in "us" and along the way I lost myself. For so long I've been afraid of being alone and becoming an old maid. I don't care about that anymore. As long as I am living the gospel and following the teachings of our Savior, I know I will be blessed. I'm putting my faith where it needs to be...in God...not my husband. I still will pray for him. Pray that his heart will be softened and he will be humbled enough to go through the repentance process. I pray that he will find happiness in the future and will be able to provide a loving home and a stable life for his new son. I pray that he will find a partner who will not lead him further down the path he is on and will be an example to him that I wasn't able to be. It's strange how I want so many good things for a man who has hurt me so deeply. I don't understand it. Can you guys believe that I have had the most uneventful, drama-free life up until this point?? I promise. This situation is so out in left-field it's not even funny. But I thank everyone for giving me such good advice. I know you will all be blessed for giving my such love and support. I'll keep you posted. :)

<<FADED>> Yes, she knew about me. I know most of the people my husband works with and they all know he's married. I used to take him lunch on my days off and I would go see him after I got off work. I never met her, but she DOES know I exist. I even called her when I suspected the affair early on. True, my husband and I were seperated, but I told her if she had any respect for herself or for me as a woman she would wait until the ink on our divorce papers were dry before she moved in on my husband. She did all this knowingly--and based on the timeline--she got pregnant at the same time or VERY shortly after my husband told her the first time that he was coming home to me to work on our marriage. Her best friend even confirmed her suspicions that she got pregnant on purpose. We are not talking about anyone with any sort of moral compass here! She's made it very clear that she does not want our marriage to work and is doing everything to sabatoge it. With that said, I am pretty sure my marriage is over. Thank you to everyone for all your support and advice over the past couple of weeks. Today I had to work and my husband had a day off. Of course, after he wouldn't answer the phone and wouldn't text me back, I finally asked if he was with her. He was. This is only a day or so after he said he wasn't going to be alone with her. He justifies everything--saying they were just going to lunch and watching a movie...he doesn't see why he can't just be friends with her (they are going to be raising this kid)---ha, what a crock! He continually betrays my trust over and over and it's only because I let him(I know --everyone has told me that already--I know). I told him I am not going to be subject to him and this other woman setting the ground rules and expecting me to accept it or leave. I told him a real man would go see the Bishop and be humbled enough to go through the repentance process...not continue to live in sin. He hung up on me and won't return my calls...I'm sure it's over. Oh well. Can't say I didn't try.

I guess if I were on the outside looking in, I would be saying the same things. But it's so much easier said than done. I even say these things to myself, but when the time comes to stand up for myself and give him the ultimatum, I chicken out. Our situation is so much more complicated that it sounds --you have to remember we have been seperated for about 9 months and for the past several YEARS we have been just co-existing. Right now we're trying to revive a dead relationship. We both know what an ideal marriage should look like and we both want that for ourselves, but nobody has written a text book on how to get through this obstacle. I want to "lay down the law"--I know that's what EVERYONE has told me...yes, my Bishop, my parents, my best friend, my counselor, etc. I have talked this out with everyone. Do you know how foolish I feel going against what everyone else tells me I should do? I think I am crazy, yet I know how I felt when I was going through the divorce process and I don't want to re-live that. No one knows my husband better than me. I'm not making excuses for him or enabling him, I just know that we didn't have the marriage that a husband would be running back to. I have issues too that contributed to us not being happy. It's not just him that is the problem. I am seeing the Bishop, a counselor and trying to get to a place where I can be a spouse my husband wants to be with. I know this all sounds crazy to everyone on the outside, but there are so many things my husband and I have been through over the years that makes it extremely difficult to just severe all ties...especially emotionally. My husband is not a bad guy, he has just made very bad decisions. I am trying to handle this in the most gentle way possible because I know him...he will just shut everyone out if I push. Today I saw her picture for the first time. My husband had wrote a check to her for doctor bills, so I finally know her last name. I was stupid and looked her up on Facebook...aw Facebook...gotta love the drama it causes. At first I was appalled--if you're going to cheat, wouldn't you try to find someone BETTER LOOKING than your wife? I mean, she's thinner than I am but I really don't get the attraction...oh well, maybe she has a "good personality" I guess reality hit...finally a face to put with all the trauma that has happened. And to go along with it, a "in a relationship" status indicator on her page and tons of posts about how she is excited to be pregnant. All her 21-22 yr old friends leaving posts congratulating her....ugh. I don't know why I put myself through the emotional torture, but I guess curiosity got the best of me. I have never felt hate for another person, but as soon as I saw her face...that's what I felt. It scares me. All these emotions that come along with being betrayed. This is the biggest mess ever...I just don't know if my life will ever not be a big mess...even if I leave. Ugh.

So here's a little update...I'm tired, but I wanted to just put this out there. My husband and I had a great day together. We rarely get to spend quality time together, so we pretty much crammed everything you can think of doing into one day....shopping, bowling, went to a movie, went to dinner, rented some wii games, and even went to the grocery store. It was a whirlwind of a day, but I can see little changes in the way we interract. One thing that did throw me off today...I had a panic attack. We were on the way over to my husband's parents house when it hit me. I didn't want to see his family (I haven't seen them since this all started)--mainly because I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and just plain humiliated. Eventhough my husband is the one who cheated, I feel like a fool for still being around. I feel like everyone is judging me. Anyway, I broke down and cried and again felt totally foolish. Most of my emotions came from the feeling that here I am going to spend time with my family...my in-laws...people who I had prepared myself to never see again based on our situation. It was hard. My mother in law just hugged my when I walked in the door and wouldn't let go. I quickly ran to the bathroom and sobbed. This whole mess has me feeling emotions that I never thought I would have to feel...and I sure haven't ever had a panic attack. I am also dealing with so many other emotions about the situation. Last week I was furious with my husband. I asked that he not spend time with the other woman...and if he had to (because she is pregnant and he doesn't feel right not being around) then he couldn't be alone with her. He ignored me and did just the opposite. Tonight he said he is not going to spend any time alone with her (duh!)--but this is a step in the right direction. However he feels she needs to have some relationship with his grandmother (his grandmother raised my husband and is who he currently lives with) since his grandmother will more than likely be the mediator after the baby is born. So now he wants her to come over to his grandmother's house when they "spend time together" this Monday. I am a wreck!!! I just feel like I am being replaced. Another woman is carrying my husband's child. Now she is wanting to have a "relationship" with my husband's grandmother (whom I am extremely close with). She bought a PS3 because she knows my husband is a gamer and is always asking him to come over. I just don't ever see this ending. She is always going to be in our lives and always fighting to have my husbands attention. My husband won't put his foot down because he feels responsible for his child and doesn't feel right leaving her alone pregnant. So here are my thoughts. I would be doing everyone (include myself) a huge favor by just leaving. It would eliminate all the confusion for my husband. It would allow this child to not be confused in the future because he wouldn't have the issue of having a mom, a dad, and daddy's wife. I love my husband so much...or else I wouldn't be here. But I feel he is not putting a stop to this affair. If it's not going on physically, it sure is going on emotionally. Am I wrong to want my husband to just cut ties with her??? Then when the baby is born, we will deal with the child support and visitation arrangements??? This seems logical to me, but he acts as if that is insensitive to everyone involved. I am trying to see it from his point of view, but why does he feel he still has to be friends with her and still spend time with her??? He says it's because he cannot seperate her from his child. He wants to know where she is and wants to make sure she is safe because she is carrying his child. He says he also doesn't want to have her end up hating him and causing drama for the rest of our lives by leaving her alone completely, so he feels it's best if he at least still stays her friend. I just don't see how any of this benefits our marriage. If she is going to be this much a part of his life, then there is no need for me being around. I guess it's been a bittersweet day....so many mixed emotions. Hope overshadowed with doubt and disappointment. Ah...the story of my life. I just wish someone could tell me how this will all end.

<<Faded>> Very wise words indeed! As always! You make it sound so simple...which it really should be, but I feel like my situation is so complicated it's always like walking on eggshells. I told my husband today that I feel like I want to spend as much time with him because I never know when our last time together will be. Right now, I live everyday in constant anxiety that I will say something to push him away or that I will "demand" something and he will be gone forever. I know he should be the one making all the efforts, but I also realize that he has obligations to take care of this child that is on the way and he is honestly confused. He said he was emotionally ready for me to leave him when he told me about the affair...he wasn't ready for me to stay and tell him I wanted to work things out. It probably would have been easier on all of us if I had. So, we're spending the next two days off together. Every time we're together we're getting more and more comfortable being around each other and we are starting to actually talk instead of just "exist" in the same room together. You have to remember, we've been seperated since Memorial Day of last year...and prior to that, our relationship was on the rocks for several years. It's been so long since we've had a relationship. I know it's still there, I can feel it...we just have to rekindle it. Ugh...who knew marriage was so much work!!!!!