badboy

Oh yeah, just to clear up my promise, I promise god that I wouldn't have gay sex again.

You know what, I really don't care anymore. I know what I did was wrong, and I now truly hate myself. I came here for advice, comfort, someone to kick me, shake me, wake me up about the extend of what I did, but never thought I be a joke to some of you. Maybe I deserve to be rip apart, and put down and thrown into the trash & stomp on. But since my last post some 3 or 4 months ago, I've really been doing a lot of thinking of what I did. One question, please tell me how you arrived at 4 years of me not taking the sacrament? I've never gave a time that I stop taking it. To be more honest, while I was doing my thinking and tiring to find the real reason of why I did what I did, I found out that it was more like 5 to six years ago. And just so you know, I stop taking the sacrament about 4 mouths ago after I strayed realizing what I did. But you know what, I really don't care anymore. You don't even know me or what I'm going through right now. What's the golden rule?, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." What comes around, goes around. Someday, someone will to to you as you have done to me. The only person I truly care about is God, and what he thinks of me, because he is the one I have to answer to. And if God truly loves me like I've been taught, then I know he won't put me down or rip me apart, even though I deserve it. Lately, I been thinking about the two sons and how the younger one basically throw his inherardence away, I know know how he felt about himself by crawling back to his father and was willing to be just a servant. I did just that, I lost my place with god, and maybe never get it back. Also been thinking about the anti-nieph-lehi (the ones that Ammon converted) and after the were converted, and the oath they made with god about not shedding anymore blood. Well did the same thing, and to be honest, I rather die then break my promise to god. I'm more afraid of God and what he will do to me if I do break my promise. I know this means nothing to you except a laugh. I have a long road ahead, but wont go there as I know you will all couintuning putting me down and calling me a storyteller. Another question, why would I come here just to tell a story? Doesn't make since to me.

Just an update on this. I did finely did go to my bishop and told him what I did about a month ago. Told my wife last week. I've been release from my calling and can't take the sacrament anymore. It's been hard and now trying to believe that god loves me. Because right now, I feel worthless and don't deseve to be forgiven. I don't know if I can forgive myself. I'm almost finish reading the book "Miracle of Forgiveness" I understand and know about the the atonement, but finding it hard to believe it's for me. I feel I need something worse or harder. What I've done is worst the adultery. Right now, I'm trying to find this hope and faith I need to get through this.

If you read my post, I did say that I had other issues along with my BIG UNFORGIVEABLE SIN. that's isn't relateded to this sin in regards to my faith. NEXT TIME, READ THE POST INSTEAD OF TWISTING IT YOUR SICK MIND. I hope my bishop wont respond to what I did the way you did. This is what I said:

There is one thing that really hasn't been mention. When you are disfollowship, or excomutcaed, who all knows this? Disfollowship, who exacaly all is imformed. Is is just the bishopbric and quorm leaders? No one really metion that if someone is excoumutcaed, who know about this? Dose the whole ward know about it or is it just the same as if you were disfollowship. This is a question that I can't seem to find an answer to.

Darn right I'm angry. I'm angry at myself, for doing it, I'm angry for not thinking this throught, I'm angry becuse I wasn't strong egnought to say no. What was I going to think was going to happen? you ask, HELLO THERE, I wasn't thinking at the time. So I guess that this is what me me bad and evil, and I probally don't even diserve to be forgiven. I'm already been kick out of the celestral word. And I probally diseive to be kick out of the church. So why would he want someone like me in his chruch.

You know what?, now that I thinking about it, maybe I was just to make myself feel better. I really didn't respect my self, I had all given up, I was in pain, and just maybe in my sick little head, talking to God would help me feel better. May subconsilly, I was trying to talk my self out of it, but being so stuiped as I'm am, I wasn't listening to him. Like I said, I really wasn't thinking, and I really didn't care. So here Funkytown & wingut, here some more that you can bash me about. Have fun every one, start cutting me down and making fun of me.

Well Funkytown, you think you know all about me, huh? Just to shows how much of a self rightess, Mr. prefect person you are. Just let me clear up a few facts with you. 1st: ( He was part of the church for at least a year prior to being sealed) I have been born and raseid in the church. I have family that acame across the plains and helped seattled Utah. STRIKE 1. 2nd: ( He was given a Temple Recommend.) I had, KEY WORD, HAD a temple reconmend, but have not renewal it, because stuiped me dosn't belong in the temple. Why?, Oh maybe because I'm not worthy to be there as if I'm not aware of what I did. I'm not that stuiped. I'm very well aware of what I did. STRIKE 2. 3rd: (He was Endowed.) Hello? If I was married in the temple, of couse I was Encwoed. I mean, How arraganit are you? STRIKE 3, your out. 4th: (He had no idea what the consequences of cheating on his spouse would be.) I beleve that if you read my post, at that time I didn't care. Which means, if I didn't care, I wasn't thinking of my consequences. NOW THAT'S STRIKE 4. And of course lets not forget this, *(Forget the same sex issue. He broke his temple covenants and pretends to have no idea what will happen if he speaks to the brethren.)* NO, I haven't forgoten about the same sex issue. I KNOW THAT I BROKE COVENANTS. That's why I stop takeing the sacrement, that's why I never had my temple reconments renewal. (Am I the only person who suspects this person is making up this whole scenario?) And no, this isn't a scenario, or story. This is real, I DID THIS AND EVERY THING I SAID IS TURE. I do want to repent, and it is only now that I'm realizeing to what extent of what I did. Like I said, at that time didn't care, I was kick out of my home, I was angry, and my world was falling aprat. I really didn't know who I was, and even now I really don't know who I am. I know, everyone say that I'm I child of god, and that god loves me. I really don't know if he could love some one like me. Heck, I deserve everything that happens to me. My marragge is a joke, my wife dosn't support me in anything, she is always punishing me for every mistake I make, becuse you see, she is a very renicful person. Her motto, "don't forgive, get even". She is constanlly putting down the chruch, esspeally after what this one ward we was in did some searuos damage to my speacil needs dauther. Don't like the way she talks or treats our kids, and there is not a thing I can do without making it worse. my wife blames me for working two jobs, and when I make too much money, the SSI check that my daughter gets gets cut in half. Seems like no matter what I do, it's never right or she never happy. I wish I could be one of those husbins that can that can say thanks for her support, her love and for bringing the sprit into my home. So right now, I HATE MY LIFE Maybe I deseare to get kick out of the church. I KNOW THAT GOD MAD AT ME, AND I KNOW THAT I DISSAPOITED HIM. DO I SOUND ANGRY, D**M RIGHT I'M ANGRY. I ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK AT THAT TIME. I'M ANGRY FOR LETTING MY COUSITY GET THE BETTER OF ME, I'M ANGRY FOR NOT THINKING THIS THOROGH, I'M ANGREY AT MYSELF BECAUSE I'M A FAILURE. IF ANYTHING WAS TO HAPPEN TO ME, THE ONLY 2 PEOPLE I KNOW THAT WILL MISS ME IS MY MOM & MY SON. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY SON SEE IN ME, BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT I'M THIS REALY SPEACL DAD THAT CAN DO NO WRONG. I TRY SO HARD TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT, AND I GET NO SUPPRT FROM MY (SO CALLED) WIFE. AND THEN THERE'S MY DAUGHTER, BECUASE SHE IS SPEACL NEEDS, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE I STAND WITH HER. Now am at a point that I just don't care anymore. I don't know if I have anymore faith, and I surely don't have any hope. My wife not gong to change, and she has even made that remark to me and our kids. My wife destroy our marrage and love a long time ago, even before I did my unforgiveable sin. Well that's PART of my story Funkytown, (since that's what you will no doubt call this.) have fun putting me down, ripping me apart and bashing me, (which I probbly do deseave) along with all of your other friends here on this site. That's what you seem to to best, so have fun. Hope I didn't dissapoint you. I came to this site looking for friends, and it dosn't look like I will find any.

Just cause I don't post, dosen't mean I don't read how you all are ripping me down, calling me a stroy teller. Maybe I deserve being rip apart, but that's not why I came here. I came here in hopes to find answears and hopfully find friends. I see that's not going to happen. But I would like to thank the four that has help me to look at myself better. Hope you all enjoyed bashing me.

I found this site, and hoping to make some new friends. Hoping to strenghten my faith agian as I feel like I'm losing my faith. Hopeing to find faith in myself again also. I was born and rased in ther church and have a long histroy of pioneers that came across the plains and settled in Utah. My marrage, my life and my family, I have just lost all hope in everything. Hopeing to change that. I also have a speacal needs daughter and she has been a big challenge. I started lossing my faith when our stake change ward boundies and we got put into a new ward. This ward along with the Bishop and young womens presidency didn't want to deal with my daughter. They really did some damage to her, and the way the Bishop handled this was I felt was very wrong. All the Bishops I've had to deal with always went out of thier way to make it easyer on us or to help my daughter in some way. This Bishop just seem to want to wash his hands clean with us and not deal with my daughter. Long story short, we ended up moving back into our old ward boundeies, but the damage had aready done, to our familey and especilly with me. Things seem to have been getting worse as time went on, so that is why I'm here.

thanks, and I'll pray about it and I'll work on it. As far as me, all I can say is that I've allways felt comferable aournd guys. I don't don't know if that's normal or not, but when it came to girls, I just didn't feel right. When I frist learn about gay sex, that just made me curious. Of course looking at ponagrhy didn't really help. I know now how bad it is and I've been working on not going there. I am getting better and stronger at that. But as how I'm attracted to another man, I really can't explain it. All I know is in my situation, I just wanted tobe close to another human being, and since my marrage is not good, and since I was kick out of my home, i was angry, upset and angry with her, and since she and her family has been calling me gay and for so long, (and that's another issue also) a part of me said o.k. if your going to call me gay and accuse me of haveig sex, then I might as will do it. But honsetly, that's not why. Like I said, I got to the point where i just didn't care anymore, and I turly thought that I was going to end up in a dorvice, along with doing everything else wrong, what's one more. And at that time, I had lost my faith in everything, including myself. But maybe help you understand better, I did at one point seach the internet about why men think that they are gay, and what I've notice is every one that thinks that they are gay, they somehow made themselfs beleiave that they was born gay. And so over a piorid of time, they have convince themselfs that they are differeant, born with the wrong orgains or born gay. I don't beleive any of this, but when you keep telling yourself your differeant, evently, you begain to believe in it. I never beleved that I was gay, nor did I ever wanted that lifetleyle so with me it was just curiosity, and just given up becuase I didn't care. The one thing that has help me is if god wanted man to have sex with anther man, or women with anthher women, then there should be a way for man/women to reproduse. And if it meant for men to be with men, why did god create women and visa-vera. Something to really think about. hope this helps badboy

About 3 or 4 years ago, I had gay sex. I had already had those kind of feelins ever since I learn about that as a teenager. I'm married, but not happily (that's another story) in the temple. To make this short and sweet, I was kick out of my home. Live at my parants house for a year and durning that time, I was feeling down, didn't care, angry and so on. It was durning this time that my curiosity got the best of me. Before I knew it it, I had found someone was just as curious as I was, and so we meet and we both explored and had safe gay sex. I prayed to god about this, knowing that he wouldn't or couldn't help me becuase my mind was already made up. Since he already knew that I was giong to do this before I did, but just knowing and taking to him made me feel some what better. I told him and myself that I just wanted to experance this at least once, knowing that this was wrong, but agian, I didn't really care. I also promie him that I would never do that again, hoping that god would understand. That would satisfy my curiosity, and it did, even to the point that this burden was lifted off my shoulders. Since that time, I haven't look back or felt a need to go there again. At times I do reflect on it, because it was a good expereance, but I also know that I need to go the bishop to repent of it. I've learned that in order to be forgiven, I have to be very sorrowful, and have a lot of regret about what I did. But because I don't have any regrets, and I'm not sorry for what happen, dose this make me bad? Sometimes I wish that I wasn't born a member, becuse then I could do and experance anything that I want and then join the church at a later date and I could be forgiven of everyting and start fresh. Dose this make me bad also? If I go to my bishop who I've known a real long time, will he understand why I did it and what will he think of me afterwards. He thinks that I'm this really great and special pesron, and I'm not. I been taught that God loves me no matter what, and that the bishops don't make judgements and that they are there to help us. I do want to to back to the temlpe, and I do want to repent, even though I already knew what I done was wrong. Right now I'm sturggling with my faith in the chruch and in myself with other issues not related to this, which I might bring up on here at a later time. Dose this make me evil, or lost cause? Beacuse I really don't know what to do, and I know there or other members that been through this and feels the same way as I do. PLEAE HELP?