Torn

My question is... if you had known about her past before you married her, would you have still done it? You may have felt the same way upon immediately knowing - my guess is that you are in a state of shock right now, you're "grieving" the loss of the person you "thought" you married - and yet, she IS the person you married. You are angry and I don't begrudge you for feeling that way. You married a convert to the church who had a past, you just didn't expect it to be quite like it is. It might take some time for you to get used to this. Does that mean you leave her? No. It means you do your best to forgive her, to set a good example to her, to love her and let her know that she matters to you, that your eternal family matters to you. Don't hold her past against her because she has repented of it, it's not who she is any longer. Live in today, not in the past. Talk to her. Does she have any reasoning for withdrawing from the church? Perhaps some of it is from the weight of her past she has been carrying around, knowing she hadn't been completely honest with you about it. You can forgive her past - but i KNOW as much as others would like to have you do it right NOW, it will take time. Give it that time. Maybe you could even benefit from some counseling - alone or together. And i also happen to disagree with those who say that their past is none of your business...if you are going to spend eternity with someone, you deserve to know EVERYTHING.

How do you find that middle - it's what I want/NEED to do so desperately - when neither spouse is willing to bend on their beliefs? How do you "agree to disagree" so to speak, on this matter?

This has always been confusing to me. I have heard it a LOT lately, when it comes to having a wayward child (of which I have one), that he is bound to me because of covenants we made in the temple. Okay, so my sister was married in the temple and has lived worthily her entire life. Her five children have all left the church for one reason or another, at least one is an athiest, and one runs a "mormon recovery" group of which her other three children are a part of. They do their very best to "save" the mormons from going to hell - all in the name of God - by convincing us to denounce our religion and join their group. Anyway - she relies on that promise, that her children are bound to her because of her covenants. How can they be? Just because my parents have always kept their covenants, does this mean I will be saved no matter the life I choose to live? I'm so confused.

This may seem like the wrong forum, but what exactly does that mean? Do your best and God will do the rest. Spouse A says this means for them: Pray, study the scriptures, attend all your meetings, attend the temple, serve diligently in your calling, pay your tithing, obey the word of wisdom. Follow ALL the commandments and strive to do your very best at it. When you have done all that you can do, God will do the rest. Spouse B says this means for them: Be a good person. The rest is just fluff. God doesn't want to meddle in our lives, he just wants us to return to live with him and thus, why would he give us commandments to follow that might keep us from doing that? So what does it mean? And I know I don't have the only marriage where one spouse does not agree with the other when it comes to religion - how do you make it work?

In laymans terms... what does it truly mean? I thought I understood it, but I'm learning that I don't.

After many discussions and even viewing his computer, there were no pictures to be found. The "source" of the pictures came from a friend who said she had witnessed said girl texting him pictures. He swears she never sent him any. He swears there was no sexual contact with her (though admits there was sexual contact and plenty of pictures of his last GF, who was 16 at the time - he was 18 but those pictures are no longer on his phone and he isn't the type to "share" photos with anyone). Then he broke up with the girl... because he finally figured out he couldn't live with all the LYING she was doing - by telling people, including my other children, that she was involved in a sexual relationship with him - which he was not. I will never understand what goes through some teenage girls heads - why they would do this to themselves?

Thank you. I have spoken to the bishop - though not for about two weeks since this all this has come about (which has happened in the past 24 hours - he just came home from college yesterday). He is planning on talking to him soon, though my son isn't interested in talking to him.

We talked to him today about the photos. He admitted he did have photos of his ex-girlfriend but deleted them. He swears that he doesn't have any of the current and never has (but will not let us anywhere near his phone to prove it). It was a friend of my daughters who said she has witnessed the girl sending nude photos to him. He says her phone doesn't send pictures anyway (but she does have an iPod she could use). And then he pretty much told me to go to hell and that he can and will do anything he wants. He is currently having a heart to heart with his dad. His dad thinks I'm overreacting and I need to back off. I don't want him to get in ANY legal trouble. He is a brilliant kid with a promising future - who is making some REALLY dumb choices that he doesn't seem to realize is effecting our entire family, nor does he care. Until his first girlfriend came along, he never gave us an ounce of trouble, but once he started sleeping with her, he did a complete 180 (imagine that!!). And BTW... I HAVE slammed the door in this girls face. She is not welcome in our home and if she doesn't STOP texting my teenage daughter, her number will be blocked.

We have discovered that my 19 year old son is sexually involved with his 17 year old girlfriend (as well as his 16 year old girlfriend before that) physically and through sexting and both girls also sent him many nude photo's of themselves - which he still has. We've tried explaining the legal ramifications of this - they are distributing child porn and he is in possession of it. He could care less. We've talked to him a lot about using protection as both of these girls had have had multiple sexual partners (both are also active LDS - go figure) to avoid pregnancy as well as any STD's they may have picked up. He could care less. He likes to remind us he has his agency and can do whatever he wants. He gets really upset if we even bring up the subject. He is in college and while he does have a (academic) scholarship that pays for his housing/tuition, he is financially dependant upon us for his car, cell phone, insurance, living expenses. He works part time in the summer, making enough to buy his books and that's about it. He needs a major dose of tough love - but - never fear, his grandpa will always step in and give him whatever he wants. Currently he is living at home, continuing on with his lifestyle, refusing to attend church. We have given him rules - no girls in his bedroom, etc, but he can always find plenty of friends who will lend him a private space for the night. The girls parents know she is "wild" but I don't think they know about the pictures. They are good friends, yet I worry what they would do legally if they knew. Although the girl has also distributed nude photos of herself to many other boys. She has encouraged my own daughter to do it as well - which she has not (but she has told us that she has been approached about doing it by this girl). We are at a complete loss. HELP!

Ignore them. They are looking for a confrontation, which is why they do this. I, unfortunately, have family who are anti-mormon and protest for a living at temple sites. Then they run home to their websites and mormon "recovery" meetings and share their experiences of what the horrible mormons said or did. It's what they want. Why give it to them?

A year ago, I had an affair. I confessed to my husband and my bishop, went through my repentance process and trusted the bishop and his council when they came to the decision that I was forgiven, even though I had not forgiven myself. Life went on, my marriage has survived though not without a lot of pain and anger, but we are working through it. It's been six months now since my last council. I read my scriptures and pray daily. I attend all my church meetings and regularly attend the temple. But I still feel horribly guilty for what happened, not just what I did to my own husband, but to someone else's wife. I did something to her I can never ever take back. My bishop told me to write her a letter and I did, though she never received it because her husband didn't want her to see it. She knows what happened, only because my husband told her. What she has chosen to believe, I do not know. What has become of them, I do not know. I have tried to let this go and I have left them alone, as has my husband since he "broke the news to her". But the thing I just can't do is forgive myself. I don't know how. Everyone, including my husband, our bishop and my therapist tell me I'm doing everything right, just be patient. I'm running out of patience. I know it's the adversary holding me back... what else can I do?

Somewife... you need to get into counseling. With or without your husband! Go to your bishop, he can help you with this. We found out through much fasting and prayer that our insurance covered counseling through an employee assistance program. Find out if you qualify for this... it's been a godsend to my dh and I who otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford counseling. I went alone at first, my dh wanted NO part of it, until after my first appointment and he agreed to go with me the next time. It's what saved our marriage. I told my dh if he wanted a divorce, he could have it, but not until we did this first. Three months later, our marriage is stronger than ever (we really lucked out with a GREAT LDS counselor, not even going through LDS social services). And the part about him not letting you go to a hote? That's ridiculous! That's abuse. It's a hotel or HOME. And I'm sorry, but especially if you have a job, that money is not his and his alone... for your own safety and sanity, you cannot live in a car. he cannot do this to you! please, get some help!

Yes, this is completely correct. We have an appt with the other mans bishop for Thursday night and he requested that I come prepared with every detail I can think of regarding the relationship so I am writing it all down and if they want to use it in his disciplinary council, they can, because I do not feel comfortable being there in person. I do also worry (I worry about things way too much) that this man will try to seek revenge upon me... as I am on probation and can still be called to disciplinary council with the stake if he should perhaps give them a reason to do so as we have done with him.

This is exactly what I needed to know.... the other bishop did tell us that he chose to drop the matter and he should have investigated. Also explains why he needs to talk to my bishop first to seek permission to even talk to me. I'm also glad I don't necessarily have to be present if called for the disciplinary council... especially since I have family and close friends who will be on that council ... (and the person I had the affair with knows this) and if they were faced with taking my word over his, would they take mine? Probably.

"I’ve seen too many testimonies shaken and shattered by those who have been given the responsibility to look after the church, not do just that." Honestly, this is a huge factor in this... my dh's testimony is being greatly shaken by the fact that this man is still being allowed to carry on with his church duties as if he did nothing wrong. My dh is the one who did this, who went to his SP, and I was not told until later. I have not gone in yet, they want to talk to my bishop before they talk to me. It was my dh who sought the opinion of these four bishops as to what to do. I feel horrible that this man has been given the opportunity to make things right and has chosen not to. "You only lose the blessings of the sealing ordinance when you break covenants. You are not punished for your husband's choices." Explain this to me... if it were my husband who did this, I continue on doing everything I know to be right and I get to the celestial kingdom someday, is he going to be there with me even though he did this and chose not to repent for it?