Torn

My question is... if you had known about her past before you married her, would you have still done it? You may have felt the same way upon immediately knowing - my guess is that you are in a state of shock right now, you're "grieving" the loss of the person you "thought" you married - and yet, she IS the person you married. You are angry and I don't begrudge you for feeling that way. You married a convert to the church who had a past, you just didn't expect it to be quite like it is. It might take some time for you to get used to this. Does that mean you leave her? No. It means you do your best to forgive her, to set a good example to her, to love her and let her know that she matters to you, that your eternal family matters to you. Don't hold her past against her because she has repented of it, it's not who she is any longer. Live in today, not in the past. Talk to her. Does she have any reasoning for withdrawing from the church? Perhaps some of it is from the weight of her past she has been carrying around, knowing she hadn't been completely honest with you about it. You can forgive her past - but i KNOW as much as others would like to have you do it right NOW, it will take time. Give it that time. Maybe you could even benefit from some counseling - alone or together. And i also happen to disagree with those who say that their past is none of your business...if you are going to spend eternity with someone, you deserve to know EVERYTHING.

How do you find that middle - it's what I want/NEED to do so desperately - when neither spouse is willing to bend on their beliefs? How do you "agree to disagree" so to speak, on this matter?

This has always been confusing to me. I have heard it a LOT lately, when it comes to having a wayward child (of which I have one), that he is bound to me because of covenants we made in the temple. Okay, so my sister was married in the temple and has lived worthily her entire life. Her five children have all left the church for one reason or another, at least one is an athiest, and one runs a "mormon recovery" group of which her other three children are a part of. They do their very best to "save" the mormons from going to hell - all in the name of God - by convincing us to denounce our religion and join their group. Anyway - she relies on that promise, that her children are bound to her because of her covenants. How can they be? Just because my parents have always kept their covenants, does this mean I will be saved no matter the life I choose to live? I'm so confused.

This may seem like the wrong forum, but what exactly does that mean? Do your best and God will do the rest. Spouse A says this means for them: Pray, study the scriptures, attend all your meetings, attend the temple, serve diligently in your calling, pay your tithing, obey the word of wisdom. Follow ALL the commandments and strive to do your very best at it. When you have done all that you can do, God will do the rest. Spouse B says this means for them: Be a good person. The rest is just fluff. God doesn't want to meddle in our lives, he just wants us to return to live with him and thus, why would he give us commandments to follow that might keep us from doing that? So what does it mean? And I know I don't have the only marriage where one spouse does not agree with the other when it comes to religion - how do you make it work?

In laymans terms... what does it truly mean? I thought I understood it, but I'm learning that I don't.

After many discussions and even viewing his computer, there were no pictures to be found. The "source" of the pictures came from a friend who said she had witnessed said girl texting him pictures. He swears she never sent him any. He swears there was no sexual contact with her (though admits there was sexual contact and plenty of pictures of his last GF, who was 16 at the time - he was 18 but those pictures are no longer on his phone and he isn't the type to "share" photos with anyone). Then he broke up with the girl... because he finally figured out he couldn't live with all the LYING she was doing - by telling people, including my other children, that she was involved in a sexual relationship with him - which he was not. I will never understand what goes through some teenage girls heads - why they would do this to themselves?

Thank you. I have spoken to the bishop - though not for about two weeks since this all this has come about (which has happened in the past 24 hours - he just came home from college yesterday). He is planning on talking to him soon, though my son isn't interested in talking to him.

We talked to him today about the photos. He admitted he did have photos of his ex-girlfriend but deleted them. He swears that he doesn't have any of the current and never has (but will not let us anywhere near his phone to prove it). It was a friend of my daughters who said she has witnessed the girl sending nude photos to him. He says her phone doesn't send pictures anyway (but she does have an iPod she could use). And then he pretty much told me to go to hell and that he can and will do anything he wants. He is currently having a heart to heart with his dad. His dad thinks I'm overreacting and I need to back off. I don't want him to get in ANY legal trouble. He is a brilliant kid with a promising future - who is making some REALLY dumb choices that he doesn't seem to realize is effecting our entire family, nor does he care. Until his first girlfriend came along, he never gave us an ounce of trouble, but once he started sleeping with her, he did a complete 180 (imagine that!!). And BTW... I HAVE slammed the door in this girls face. She is not welcome in our home and if she doesn't STOP texting my teenage daughter, her number will be blocked.

We have discovered that my 19 year old son is sexually involved with his 17 year old girlfriend (as well as his 16 year old girlfriend before that) physically and through sexting and both girls also sent him many nude photo's of themselves - which he still has. We've tried explaining the legal ramifications of this - they are distributing child porn and he is in possession of it. He could care less. We've talked to him a lot about using protection as both of these girls had have had multiple sexual partners (both are also active LDS - go figure) to avoid pregnancy as well as any STD's they may have picked up. He could care less. He likes to remind us he has his agency and can do whatever he wants. He gets really upset if we even bring up the subject. He is in college and while he does have a (academic) scholarship that pays for his housing/tuition, he is financially dependant upon us for his car, cell phone, insurance, living expenses. He works part time in the summer, making enough to buy his books and that's about it. He needs a major dose of tough love - but - never fear, his grandpa will always step in and give him whatever he wants. Currently he is living at home, continuing on with his lifestyle, refusing to attend church. We have given him rules - no girls in his bedroom, etc, but he can always find plenty of friends who will lend him a private space for the night. The girls parents know she is "wild" but I don't think they know about the pictures. They are good friends, yet I worry what they would do legally if they knew. Although the girl has also distributed nude photos of herself to many other boys. She has encouraged my own daughter to do it as well - which she has not (but she has told us that she has been approached about doing it by this girl). We are at a complete loss. HELP!

Ignore them. They are looking for a confrontation, which is why they do this. I, unfortunately, have family who are anti-mormon and protest for a living at temple sites. Then they run home to their websites and mormon "recovery" meetings and share their experiences of what the horrible mormons said or did. It's what they want. Why give it to them?

A year ago, I had an affair. I confessed to my husband and my bishop, went through my repentance process and trusted the bishop and his council when they came to the decision that I was forgiven, even though I had not forgiven myself. Life went on, my marriage has survived though not without a lot of pain and anger, but we are working through it. It's been six months now since my last council. I read my scriptures and pray daily. I attend all my church meetings and regularly attend the temple. But I still feel horribly guilty for what happened, not just what I did to my own husband, but to someone else's wife. I did something to her I can never ever take back. My bishop told me to write her a letter and I did, though she never received it because her husband didn't want her to see it. She knows what happened, only because my husband told her. What she has chosen to believe, I do not know. What has become of them, I do not know. I have tried to let this go and I have left them alone, as has my husband since he "broke the news to her". But the thing I just can't do is forgive myself. I don't know how. Everyone, including my husband, our bishop and my therapist tell me I'm doing everything right, just be patient. I'm running out of patience. I know it's the adversary holding me back... what else can I do?

Somewife... you need to get into counseling. With or without your husband! Go to your bishop, he can help you with this. We found out through much fasting and prayer that our insurance covered counseling through an employee assistance program. Find out if you qualify for this... it's been a godsend to my dh and I who otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford counseling. I went alone at first, my dh wanted NO part of it, until after my first appointment and he agreed to go with me the next time. It's what saved our marriage. I told my dh if he wanted a divorce, he could have it, but not until we did this first. Three months later, our marriage is stronger than ever (we really lucked out with a GREAT LDS counselor, not even going through LDS social services). And the part about him not letting you go to a hote? That's ridiculous! That's abuse. It's a hotel or HOME. And I'm sorry, but especially if you have a job, that money is not his and his alone... for your own safety and sanity, you cannot live in a car. he cannot do this to you! please, get some help!

Yes, this is completely correct. We have an appt with the other mans bishop for Thursday night and he requested that I come prepared with every detail I can think of regarding the relationship so I am writing it all down and if they want to use it in his disciplinary council, they can, because I do not feel comfortable being there in person. I do also worry (I worry about things way too much) that this man will try to seek revenge upon me... as I am on probation and can still be called to disciplinary council with the stake if he should perhaps give them a reason to do so as we have done with him.

This is exactly what I needed to know.... the other bishop did tell us that he chose to drop the matter and he should have investigated. Also explains why he needs to talk to my bishop first to seek permission to even talk to me. I'm also glad I don't necessarily have to be present if called for the disciplinary council... especially since I have family and close friends who will be on that council ... (and the person I had the affair with knows this) and if they were faced with taking my word over his, would they take mine? Probably.

"I’ve seen too many testimonies shaken and shattered by those who have been given the responsibility to look after the church, not do just that." Honestly, this is a huge factor in this... my dh's testimony is being greatly shaken by the fact that this man is still being allowed to carry on with his church duties as if he did nothing wrong. My dh is the one who did this, who went to his SP, and I was not told until later. I have not gone in yet, they want to talk to my bishop before they talk to me. It was my dh who sought the opinion of these four bishops as to what to do. I feel horrible that this man has been given the opportunity to make things right and has chosen not to. "You only lose the blessings of the sealing ordinance when you break covenants. You are not punished for your husband's choices." Explain this to me... if it were my husband who did this, I continue on doing everything I know to be right and I get to the celestial kingdom someday, is he going to be there with me even though he did this and chose not to repent for it?

Okay, let me switch this around. Lets say it was my husband who was involved. He assured me it was nothing, that it was all this other woman who was stalking him, she's making it up, whatever. She supposedly told her husband everything, she went to her bishop, and now she's gone to our bishop (actually, it wasn't her doing at all, it was her husband) and is telling him that she slept with my husband, only my husband flat out denies it, still. Next week, my husband is going to baptize my daughter. Can they tell him he can't do it based on what she has said? Can they take away his recommend or not let him renew it based on what she has said? Can they call him to a church council based on what she has said? Can they disfellowship/excommunicate him based on what she has said? If it's really true, if this affair did happen (and why would she lie to her husband and her bishop and go through all this herself if it wasn't true?), do I not deserve to know the truth, even though my husband still denies anything ever happened? Have I not lost my eternal marriage? Am I supposed to trust him and then be okay with it on the other side when he then gets his justice? Isn't it too late then? Four bishops and a stake president all have said that this woman should come forward and witness against him...

Lets say you cheated on your husband, you confessed, went to the bishop, had your council meeting, all is well. The person you had the affair with, his bishop was notified to speak with him and he called him in and he denied everything, so they slapped him on the wrist and sent him on his merry way. Okay, so now lets say that his stake president is notified (long story as to how) that he lied about everything. So his bishop now wants you to come in and tell your side of the story and said you may have to be a witness against him in the stake council meeting. Is this standard proceedure? What if the person you had the affair with (who happens to be a temple married priesthood holder) still denies anything happened? Can they really hold a stake council if he still tells his bishop nothing happened, despite what the bishop knows? I have zero idea how this works. Also... doesn't his wife deserve to know? Will she be told anything? He's done this before - and lied to her and priesthood authority about it (he admitted it to me), and I am positive he'll do it again.

Okay, so awhile back, I asked a hypothetical, what if you knew someone was cheating on their spouse, does the spouse deserve to know or do you just leave it alone? Well, of COURSE she deserves to know! I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I already had. I have no idea if she knows. I doubt I will ever know if she knows what happened between us. In talking to my bishop about this, and trust me, the required writing of the letter surprised me more than anything, because as a wife, I'm not sure I would want to hear from the person my husband cheated with, but I told my bishop I was sick with wonder if she would ever forgive me for what I'd done. He read me the scripture in D&C about how she was required to forgive me, and I will never know if she has, and that's OKAY, but I still felt like I needed to tell her I was sorry before she could truly forgive me. So I did. And as for him, you know, I want him to finish school, I want him to be successful and happy. I want nothing but good for him, I really do. I know it's spiteful of me to think of him not getting his just reward, because I know he will get it in the next life if not now. I'm thinking of his wife, who may or may not have any idea, his children, who are going to lose their father in the next life, of his baby that HE might be blessing in the next month who is not getting a blessing he deserves by someone who is worthy to give it. Do they deserve this? I read in a book I've been reading how a moment of earthly pain is nothing compared to the eternal pain you will suffer by not repenting. I know I shouldn't be concerned about him and his eternal salvation, but I am, just as I would be if he were a dear friend, a family member, or even my spouse. I know many things about him that his wife doesn't know, about his past, etc., things he's never confessed. I'm so sad for him and what he's done to himself and his family. I am focusing a LOT on myself, and focusing on what lies ahead, not what I left behind. And right now, I'm praying hard that I will be able to stop caring about what happens to him. Because I know, it doesn't matter... I know that with all my heart....

I recently committed adultery, went to my bishop, everything is on the up and up with repentence issues, etc. There's just one thing that I can't get over, and that is the person I was involved with. He is married, three kids, and enrolled at a local LDS university. When I went to my bishop, I was required to give his name and what ward he lived in, his bishop was informed and he was called in. What happened from here on out, I have no idea. I did find out today (I had suspected all along, tho), through his sister with whom I am good friends with (tho if she knows anything went on, she isn't saying) that he is still attending the LDS university. Granted, there is only one week of school left, but it's been almost a month since I went to my bishop, since he was supposedly called in, and now I have all sorts of questions. Did he get away with this? Does his wife even know what happened? How could he be allowed to finish out the semester if he came clean? My bishop told me I should send them a letter of apology, and I did. They will get it today and I pray his wife gets to read it. She deserves to know if she doesn't already. I'm going through hell and back with my own marriage, with my repentence, etc. and the constant wonder of whether or not he talked his way out of this has me SO bothered, and my dh as well. He instigated the affair. He encouraged it. For five months, he manipulated me and lied to me constantly. My biggest mistake was falling for it. I don't know what the "rules" are. I don't know if my bishop has been told anything regarding what happened to him. He's not even in our stake. I know they can't "tell" me anything, but I feel like I deserve to know that things are being taken care of. Is this something I can ask my bishop to check on? If my bishop were to be told that he lied to his bishop and said it was nothing, can my bishop even say anything??? I feel SO bad for his wife, for his kids. I also know I need to quit worrying about it and remember that I've done my part and I can't be responsible for his repentence. And, until I stop worrying, I will never be able to get back where I need to be in the repentence process. I'm praying harder than I ever have to get past this one issue holding me back, but it just won't leave me. Satan just won't let it alone!!! Also... one last question regarding the disciplinary council. Mine included the bishop and his two counselors and clerk. I won't go into details as to what happened, etc., but this was based on the nature of what happened and the fact that I am a female, and my "sentencing" so to speak. I was told that as a melchezedik endowed preisthood holder, "he" would be sent straight to the SP, end of discussion. My brother in law just happens to be on the disciplinary council for his stake. Are all parties involved in the disciplinary end of things informed of the names of those all involved like in mine? I know that nothing will go further than my BIL... but I will always wonder if he knows, kwim? Again... how would I ever know?

Just having gone through my own "confession" with my bishop, he did in fact ask the name of the person I was involved with and did tell me that his bishop would be called. I had NO idea they did this. I did give the person I was involved with a heads up as well, which gave him the opportunity to come forward on his own and my bishop told me today, after I told him I had forewarned the other guy, that it was a noble thing to do, as coming forward on your own is way better than being caught and being forced into a confession. KWIM? But each bishop could be different, I dont' know.

We each have our own laptops, I don't use his and he doesn't use mine. Even though I have had trust issues with him (pornography), we don't use each others computer. He's never asked for my facebook or e-mail password and I've never offered it. We only chatted during the day when our spouses were at work, never in the evenings. Also, the other guy never called me, never texted me. I texted him a couple of times, but he has an out of state number (Utah) and I have a lot of friends I text in utah, so if he's ever looked at them, he's never questioned it. I will need all the prayers I can get. I have a feeling I'll be telling him (probably in the form of a letter, thank you for that idea) a lot sooner than I want to, so I can get this off my chest. Life is going to suck, but the sooner I get it over with, the sooner I can get my life back.

Thanks for your advice. I know what I need to do, there has never been a doubt in my mind, I just wish I didn't have to. Just for the record... because I'm making myself more accountable as of today.... I cheated on my husband. My husband did nothing to warrant me doing this. He didn't neglect me, we get along great and always have. The only issue I have with my husband is his feelings regarding the church. He is an endowed member, but hasn't been to the temple since our wedding day 18 years ago and has no use for the church more or less. I am the one who gets the kids to church, who keeps the spirit in our home. Or I was. I let myself get caught up with an old acquaintance from high school. A faithful member who valued his testimony and his temple recommend more than anything. We talked a lot about life and our marriages. One thing led to another, and we both found ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. I used to think that when they'd tell you that internet chats and facebook can be dangerous that it would never happen to me. I'm not that kind of a person. I'm here to tell you it did. Four months later, we let it get physical. We both knew right away we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. Today, after a very tearful goodbye, we officially ended it. Now we're both faced with the next step. He says he's not taking it, and I feel horrible for his wife, for his newborn son he will be blessing in a few months that isn't going to get the blessing he deserves. What I've done to my own husband isn't the half of it. I feel like I'm not only responsible for what I did, but for what he did as well, because I let this happen, I didn't say no, even though I knew better. I prayed my heart out every day not to let this happen. I had both our names and our spouses names put on the temple prayer roll four times. Sadly, twice, I wrote them down myself. And i never felt like God listened to me because despite my desires to do what was wrong, I still let this happen. And I am SO scared to pay that price for what I've done. Will my husband forgive me? I don't know. I can only pray he will. I don't want him to know what I've done. But I can't live with myself knowing whats happened. It took all the courage I could muster just to end my affair, and my heart is broken. I don't yet have the courage to finish break my husbands heart. He's not a forgiving person, he's not one to get over things quickly. I guess what I need more than your advice is your prayers...

I've recently screwed up in the worst way that one possibly can. Now I'm faced with the challenge of making things right. I know this means a visit with the bishop, disfellowship or worse, and undoubtedly the end of my marriage. Problem is... I can't do it. I can't come clean. I can't let my spouse know what I've done. I can't face my bishop and tell him what I've done. I don't want my family to know, especially my children. I don't want anyone in the world to know. Ever. I know I did something wrong. I know I committed an unforgivable sin. I know I not only put my own eternal salvation on the line, but I have also destroyed another family... I didn't do this alone, and I know the other person involved is also facing the same struggle and decisions as I am. I pray every single day, begging God to give me the strength to do what is right. I listen to the lessons at church about my indiscretion, and about repentence, and I know that I HAVE to come clean with the bishop, and with my spouse. I know that I can't just keep this between God and I and that it will make things right. I understand that. I know that God loves me no matter what, and I know that He wants me to make things right, and He expects me to do it the right way. But that's the thing... My testimony of the gospel has never waivered. I know God loves me no matter what. Why can't that just be enough??? Why do I have to ruin more lives? I know that my spouse will find out in the next life if not in this one, and I know this is so not fair to them. It's my sin. I don't want to make it "our" sin. Not right now. I can't.

If you were the spouse of someone who had an affair, would you want to know who the other person was? If you did find out who it was, and knew this person and knew they were also married, would you tell their spouse what was going on? For instance, lets say you find out your wife was having an affair. Do you want to know who with? And IF she tells you, and you know him, would you tell his wife? Shouldn't it be HIS decision when to come clean and when to tell his wife? But then again, doesn't his wife have a right to know what her husbands been doing behind her back? Does the name of the other person involved in the affair even have to come up when meeting with the bishop or whoever is invovled when going through the repentence process (even if it's not the same bishop or SP)? I'm just... confused... and not sure what to do...

I was talking with a friend about some marital issues I'm having (thanks to myself and some mistakes I've made) and she told me "I know He can lift your burden, you just have to LET him - give it to Him ya know?" But honestly... despite being a lifelong member of the church, I don't know how to do this. My life is SO messed up right now... I really need the Lord to be on my side, and I feel like He's completely abandoned me. How do I give myself to Him and get through this? *sob*