Torn

Thank you so much for helping me with this. You've said many things i needed to hear. I honestly don't know about my own marriage, my husband is not active in the church and has not been for a majority of our marriage. He's done this very thing himself (though I don't know to what extent, he never would fully confess) and I still don't trust him to this day, and now to think that I'm doing the same thing back is killing me. We are best freinds, and that is the only thing that is keeping us together. We have a lot to work on. I will work through this, and I know the first step is ending it, which I am going to do. Thanks so much.

I'm having an affair. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm not ready to end it. Nor am I ready to take it to the next level. I can't. It would destroy my whole family, my world, eternity! But I want to. And he wants to, which means destroying the whole world of not one, but two families. I've never kissed him. I've never held his hand. I've never even been alone with him. And it's the hardest thing I've ever NOT done because I've never wanted to so bad in my life. We chat online about everything under the sun (and I draw the line at anything sexual, though he tries and we've not exactly had perfectly "chaste" conversations). We avoid one another in public (though we do see one another, it's a small town) ... because we know we can't trust one another not to do something we both know we shouldn't. But I want to sit down with him face to face and have a good heart to heart conversation about what is happening (chatting just doesn't include enough emotion for me) ... I just don't know that we should. I don't know if we can trust ourselves. I keep justifying this by analyzing my own crappy marriage (and his). BUT.... It doesn't matter how bad it is at home, though, there is NO excuse for this behavior. From either one of us. He's on my mind 24/7. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm making myself sick. I've prayed over this ... a dozen times a day. I've fasted. I've studied the scriptures. I've researched lds.org. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I have this feeling that I should go to the temple, but I feel so unworthy. He's become a wonderful friend and I never imagined that it would escalate beyond friendship. He's everything that's missing in my own marriage. But that is no excuse. I just don't know what to do.