Jared

My friend Snow, my comment on personal attacks was directed towards Jason. Please excuese the misunderstanding. :)

I find it amazing how wrapped up people get in their online worlds....is it healthy for a screen name with its own opinions to cause you such grief that you think about it even away from the computer? Perhaps one needs to walk outside and make contact with a living breathing human being for a while to put things in perspective. We should come to this board to exchange ideas and meld our minds, have a few laughs, discuss current events and doctrine....not place stock or put our emotions on the line. Not come out of left field with posts that are a direct and personal attack on any one member. I'm sure that the administrators are fully aware of who is on their boards *well maybe not since I've noticed a witch hunt of sorts for multiple accounts*, but none the less, take your jive to the Moderators and not to the open boards where it causes nothing but contention. Love one another...

"The way to belief is short and easy, the way to knowledge is long and hard" - Ernst Stuhlinger If you live in Afghanistan and you don't care for parts of historical reality, you may use chemical explosive charges to blow up the thing that bothers you. In fact, the Afghan government will provide you with the explosives and troops to carry out the desired destruction work. This is exactly what happened with the recent Taliban demolition of ancient and priceless Buddhist statues in that nation. If you live in the United States and you don't care for parts of historical reality, you may use wild, explosive conspiracy charges to blow up the thing that bothers you. In fact, the government provides you with the right to spread strident, unsubstantiated charges through our cherished First Amendment. In Afghanistan such destruction of cultural and historical heritage is carried out in the name of God. In the United States such destruction is frequently carried out in the name of "Conspiracy Theory". The Afghans based their destructive actions on extreme religious doctrine. The profit-seeking American extremist conspiracy theorists generally base their campaign of destructive innuendo and downright falsehoods on various combinations of misinterpretation, inadequate mastery of essential facts, defective logic, bias, prejudice, paranoia, emotion, superstition and bitterness. Such is the case with the recent FOX Television documentary, "Conspiracy Theory: Did We Go to the Moon?" This astounding and outrageous documentary claims that one of the largest and most successful civilian run endeavors in American history; the Apollo Program was a fraud. The Apollo voyages to the moon were one of the most thoroughly open and documented government programs in history. Miles of video tape, data graphs, and computer tape were generated during the Apollo flights and ALL of this data was and continues to be analyzed by renowned scientists, engineers, journalists, authors and interested parties from virtually every sector of society. You can still go to a university astronomical observatory and bounce laser beams off of the special reflectors left on the Apollo landing sites. Despite all of this, a Nashville based TV director looks at a "lost" piece of videotape from an old Apollo telecast and announces to the world that Neil Armstrong and NASA lied to us. His evidence to back these charges is beyond ludicrous and weak. It is pathetic. Numerous webmasters have posted web pages that authoritatively poke holes in all of the Apollo conspiracy charges. More on that specific issue later but first, a little historical background. OUR CONSPIRACY HERITAGE Conspiracy theories have a long and long and sad history in this country. In the "good old days" of the early 1900's, lynch mobs were still the prevalent and ultimate American method for destroying people who were "suspected" of high crimes or treasonous conspiracies without benefit of due process. In the latter part of the 20th century most American courts decided to finally start prosecuting lynch mob participants and leaders. Consequently, lynch mobs became smaller and much less popular. Conspiracy theorists (they don't really use theories in a scientific sense) have served to fill the slimy gap in our culture once filled by lynch mobs. The first major conspiracy theorist that most people are familiar with is the late Senator Joe McCarthy of the great state of Wisconsin. The consummate zealot, "Tail -gunner Joe" as the Senator was heroically known, relentlessly pursued communist operatives that he suspected to be planted in virtually every government agency and private industry in the country, Uncovering McCarthy's commie operatives-both real and imagined-came at a terrible human cost of destroyed lives, lost careers, and ruined reputations for many innocents. It took far too long for truth to catch up with McCarthy, but when it did many of his followers learned a painful lesson about blindly following strident yet charismatic public crusaders. The 1960's proved to be a rich decade for the philosophical descendants of Joe McCarthy. Some of the most profitable conspiracy theories of all time were born in that bittersweet decade. It was a decade for dreamers---JFK, Martin Luther King, Stanley Kubrick, Dylan, The Beatles, and the men and women who dreamed of going to the moon. Some achieved their dreams during the sixties. All too many did not. The assassination of President Kennedy is arguably the most lucrative conspiracy theory of all time. Everybody from Fidel Castro to Lyndon Johnson to the Mafia has been blamed for Kennedy's death. The cash register rings loudly every time a new "investigator" issues a book, video or Hollywood feature film that "solves" this murder mystery. The American public is suckered every time. Perhaps the sad and untimely death of Princess Diana of Windsor will ultimately overtake the JFK conspiracy in terms of profitability, but I rather doubt it. The same conspiracy scenario has also played out to a less profitable degree concerning Dr. King's assassination. For some reason, books and videos about the death of history's' greatest civil rights leader don't sell as well as the JFK plots. Those who buy into these conspiracy theories probably perceive the lack of MLK assassination theory interest as another manifestation of American racism. That may be true, but even if these 1960's assassinations were conspiracies all of the participants are probably either dead or battling senility at this time. Still, good fiction sells so will never see the end of this parade of authors who uncover "previously un-covered" evidence. Another major conspiracy theory that was born in the 1960's is still a major seller to a gullible, inadequately educated, TV screenwriter script gobbling public. A host of books, magazines, movies and ultimately the FOX TV show "X-Files" all owe their legacy to the official US government dismissal of UFO research with the statement that "further extensive study of UFOs probably cannot be justified in the expectation that science will be advanced thereby ". That unfortunate and arrogant sounding statement ultimately led to the rise of a major industry that offers books, magazines, clubs, videos, alien abduction therapy groups and seminars. Perhaps there is something more to UFOs than "swamp gas" or top-secret military craft but I doubt that we can learn very much from the wide-eyed collection of high-school educated "lay physicists" and real-estate developers that promote themselves as UFO "experts". My favorite 1960's conspiracy theorist was the fictional General Jack Ripper in the Stanley Kubrick Dr. Strangelove. Ripper was convinced that public water supply fluoridation was a communist plot designed to destroy the virility of American men. Several years after I first saw that movie on the late-late show, I recall watching a wildly animated citizen plead his own "tap-water fluoridation" conspiracy theory during the "open" portion of a city council meeting--- much to the chagrin of the local Water Works manager who grimaced in the corner of the meeting chamber. THE X-FILES GENERATION OF CONSPIRACY THEORISTS I recently met with the producer of the hot conspiracy video of the moment, Bart Winfield Sibrel of Nashville, Tennessee. His credits include award-winning work for NBC, CNN, The Nashville Network (TNN), The Learning Channel (TLC), and the Discovery Channel. Sibrel's gift to the conspiracy community is titled A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO THE MOON. Bart was one of the conspiracy advocates who offered his "testimonial" on Fox's CONSPIRACY THEORY: DID WE GO TO THE MOON where he claimed to have "cried" when he saw the video tape that approves Apollo never left earth orbit. Of course, that claim is technically correct since the moon orbits the earth and therefore so do astronauts who walk on its surface. Bart is obviously a brilliant word craftsman. Apparently, these "moon hoaxers" have a somewhat symbiotic relationship since the closing credits on Sibrel's A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE MOON list a couple of the FOX CONSPIRACY THEORY self-proclaimed experts as "Research". Bart Sibrel is a really friendly and likeable guy. Good traits for a salesman. Sibrel's technical production skills are also excellent. His conspiracy DVD looks and sounds great. Too bad that it is full of falsehoods, innuendo, strident accusations, half-truths, flawed logic and premature conclusions. It has all of the hallmarks of tasty conspiracy theory material. It even ties itself to the most popular conspiracy of all time by playing the notorious Zapruder film of the JFK assassination. The documentary included somber violin music, heart-rending scenes of starving children in Africa, clips of napalmed Vietnamese villagers, wounded American soldiers in Vietnam and police beating protestors with nightsticks. Bart masterfully cranks up the viewers emotions and distrust of government leadership early in the show so that the viewer is primed for the "stunning" new evidence at the end. EVIDENCE SMEVIDENCE! As far as Bart's much ballyhooed "never-seen", secret NASA Apollo videotape was neither "never-seen" nor secret. It was all taped footage from the Apollo 11 CM Westinghouse three-color camera telecasts that were broadcast live on NBC, CBS, ABC, the BBC and every other decent network on the planet back in July of 1969. Many ordinary citizens have documentary videos that show the same broadcasts. The times and dates of those broadcasts have long been a matter of public record and the documentation can be viewed in the NASA Apollo 11 Post Launch Mission Operation Report (Number M-932-69-11. The video was so blurry and fuzzy that Houston had to prompt the characteristically un-talkative Apollo 11 commander, Neil Armstrong to describe what he was pointing the camera at so that NASA could correlate what he was shooting with what he was describing on later tape playbacks. Color TV cameras small enough to fit inside tiny spacecraft cabins were brand new and balky technology back in 1969. Global communications networks could not even synchronize the audio and video signals coming back to Houston from receiving antennas in Australia and Goldstone, California. The only thing new and weird revealed in Sibrel's A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE MOON is his bizarre personal interpretation that the video views of earth were shot through a small hole (template) to give the impression that Apollo 11 was not in low earth orbit. Sibrel insists that none of the Apollo spacecraft ever left low earth orbit because of the "radiation barrier" called the Van Allen Belts. This radiation barrier is greatly exaggerated by all of the "moon hoax" proponents. Sibrel's misinterpretation of the archival Apollo 11 video results from a combination of Bart's longing to see something awry and his lack of understanding about the Apollo cabin and TV camera configuration. Sibrel attempts to describe to the viewers of his documentary what is going on inside the darkened Command Module while the crew was attempting to give the TV viewers back the best possible view of earth with the primitive handheld color TV camera carried aboard Apollo 11. The problem with his explanation is basically that he does not know what he is talking about. Sibrel may know a lot about current video editing and production technology, but he does not have expertise about Apollo. In order provide 1969 TV viewers back on earth with the best possible view of our planet from space, it was necessary to eliminate the glaring reflected light and direct sunlight that was streaming into the spacecraft and interfering with the shot. The official Apollo 11 mission documentation from 1969 contains astronaut Michael Collins' own discussion of these lighting problems and the difficulties he experienced with the window shades in the Apollo spacecraft. Unfortunately for Bart Sibrel, he is obviously unaware of astronaut Mike Collins documented statements. The astronauts shuttered most of the capsule windows with special shades that blocked most of the glaring direct and reflected sunlight coming off of the bright, shiny Lunar Module which was docked in close proximity to the location of the windows. The earth was then clearly visible out of the other "unblocked" cabin window when the shades were closed. What one actually witnesses in the video are not cutouts or templates passing between the earth and the TV camera, it is the communications headset wiring, arms and body of astronaut Michael Collins as he reaches over to remove the shade blocking one of the spacecraft windows. As soon as the shade is removed, the video shows the cabin immediately illuminating with glaring reflected sunlight. We also see that Collins is the one opening the window shade and that another member of the crew is obviously handling the camera from the vicinity of the foot area of the crew couches. Sibrel expressed the mistaken impression that the hand-held Westinghouse TV camera was hard-mounted to the face of the cabin window. Sibrel, as well as his devoted followers are the victims of misinterpretation and apparent misinformation. Bart is far from what you would call a space expert (although he does have good TV editing and video production skills). He does not appear to possess an understanding of the basic layout and configuration of the Apollo Command Module or the procedures followed by NASA during the Apollo telecasts. Bart has misinterpreted things that are immediately obvious to anyone who has extensively read Apollo history and documentation or anyone who has ever been inside an Apollo Command Module or accurate mockup. THE HISTORICAL FACTS Apollo 11 left for the moon on July 16, 1969. The crew consisted of Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins and Buzz Aldrin. Every single moment of the Apollo voyage was monitored by an international cadre of journalists, broadcasters, commentators, investigators, spies (from US "allies" as well as enemies) amateur and professional astronomers, amateur and professional radio engineers, television viewers and fifteen year-old me. Thousands stood outside in Hawaii to directly witness the third stage of the Saturn V moon rocket execute the long burn to raise its velocity from earth orbital speed to trans-lunar speed. Amateurs and professionals alike took time-lapse photos of the craft as it sped along the background of stars in the exact places where it was predicted to be by independent calculations. Bruno Stanek, a brilliant Swiss mathematician and space observer furnished me with the following eyewitness account: "In 1969/70, when I was an instructor at the Swiss Institute of Technology (pre-pre-PC era...), I solved the boundary value three body problem for my own personal enjoyment on our CDC 1604: fitting time of departure and arrival, orbital height and inclination of the respective lunar/earth parking orbits and approximate nodes (actually these were precisely determined mathematically because I did not get them from the usual NASA publications). Having x,y,z in five minute intervals, I transformed those to equatorial as well as topocentric astronomical coordinates and supplied the data to well equipped amateur astronomers. I remember mentioning my "project" during one of my live Apollo broadcasts on Swiss National TV and two promising responses reached me. One was a Mr. Seiler in neighboring Bavaria/Germany near Munich who took astro photographs through a 0.5-meter-telescope. He was successful: his long exposure not only showed the LM-CSM-combination at the right location - even the velocity vector proved itself by the right direction of the trace of the moving spacecraft on his film!" Perhaps the most overwhelming confirmation that Apollo happened (other than the lunar rocks and soil still being studied by scientists) is the actual Apollo money trail that some of these conspiracy theorists claim was "stolen" and used on something mysterious, evil and secret. We have hundreds of thousands of witnesses as well as family members who lived off of the paychecks cut by NASA and its Apollo contractors. All of the Apollo dollars were spent right here on earth and with Apollo as with all productive enterprises the greatest portion of the cost was people--- not hardware. I personally work with several of the former engineers who worked on Apollo, and just like all of the hundreds of thousand of others who worked on Apollo they used their paychecks to build homes, buy cars, television sets, groceries, insurance, pay utility bills and educate their children (one of whom also works with me). Those "Apollo Program dollars" did not go into space itself or into clandestine "secret" activities, they were spent right here on earth. Space appropriations built the modern cities of Houston and Huntsville. Space grants were fundamental to creating great university engineering and science departments. The computer and electronics industries were able to "spin-off" their NASA funded development of new materials, designs, techniques and methods into many of the consumer, business and healthcare enhancements that we enjoy today. Pick up your cell phone and make a call. You are using NASA/Apollo derived technology. It is that simple to see what an excellent investment of public tax dollars the Apollo program was. CONCLUSION The moon hoax conspiracy believer generally falls into one or more of the four general categories listed here: (1) People who believe that inter-dimensional beings intervene in daily life on our behalf with "invisible hands" ---I'm not joking. I was verbally attacked by one of these folks who fiercely defended Sibrel's contentions. (2) Those classic "angry white men" who absolutely distrust and despise the U.S. government and consequently believe every anti-US conspiracy that comes within their range of hearing. Timothy McVeigh is the extreme example of this philosophical hellhole. I do agree that our government is far, far from being always clean and honest but it requires a great deal of hate and logic-overwhelming emotions to ignore all of the documentation and evidence that Apollo happened. (3) Honest, average every day people who have viewed the conspiracy videos but do not possess the information and facts that so obviously undermine the false claims of moonhoax proponents. NASA Public Affairs really need to get the ball rolling with its public education and outreach efforts. (4) Angry recipients of our faulty and ineffective federal social welfare and benefit programs who are convinced that the Apollo program was a ploy to steal billions of tax dollars that should have gone to pay for even more ineffective social services and benefit checks. At last, these folks have found common ground with the ultra-right extremist "angry white men" described in case 2 above. (5) People who have other people who have invested $500,000 dollars in their conspiracy video and those investors expect a return for their dollars. In short, trying to reason with all of these types of people is like attempting to shovel smoke with a pitchfork in the wind. You cannot find common ground with a fanatic or a nut case and you cannot convince a hungry salesman that his wares are defective- ever. LONG LIVE THE FIRST AMENDMENT! TV VIEWER AND READERS EVERYWHERE ---BEWARE!

http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/ When you click on the link click on the Brittish flag and enjoy the movie. B)

thats rude man. Dont insult their intelligence by beating around the bush. We all know that the "few" you speak of are the Canadians.

An aplogy note to Winnie G: Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia. Canadians — and actually, the polite term for them is "Canadian-Americans" — aren't actually hung up on good spelling and manners like everybody thinks they are. This is nothing but a stereotype. Here at LDSTalk, we get a lot of posts from Canadians, and most of it is rude, illiterate spew, just like you'd expect from any other American! For example, a reader calling himself "Every Loyal Canadian" wrote in to say "Canada is the best freekin nation you $%#@ !. You dont know crud. Your just an American who thinks they know stuff but they dont." See? Despite what you may read in the media, the average Canadian is clearly no better educated than the average Californian or Arkansan. It just goes to show you that we're all in this together. There is also a common stereotype that Canadians will lord their superior taste and refinement over you. But if you've heard from someone like "I AMCANADIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" — who says "I LOVE MOLSON BEER! CANADIAN ICE, MORE ALCOHOL THAN YOU YANKS CAN HANDLE!" — you'll know that Canadians are belligerent drunks just like the rest of us. Loyal reader Mike adds: "You are jealous that Canada is bigger than the U.S. S uck on that one American Pig. If this country is so poor, then how can we support the businesses that all the Americans go to when they cross the border." Mike cusses just like an American, but like a Yankee, he is absolutely right. We need Canadia so that we have somewhere to go on our vacations. I myself got drunk in Canadia one time, and I bet if you stop to think about it, you probably know somebody who has benefited in a similar way from Canadian "service with a smile." In fact, I have learned that American-Americans should all become more sensitive to the needs and culture of Canadian-Americans, because once you really get to know them, you'll know that we're not very different after all. Here are some things to think about. Did you know... ...Canadia technically consists of not one but THREE states — Canada, Quebec, and Alaska? ...Canadia maintains its own set of armed forces? Although largely ceremonial, the Canadian army is occasionally authorized to take field trips overseas. ...Canadia is not ruled directly by Congress and the President, but instead by a regional governor, called the "Prime Minister"? Knowing things like this can help you avoid offending the Canadian-American community. So to Americans I say: Just examine your prejudices before you assume that Canadians are any different from you. And to Canadians I say: Thanks for all you've taught me, and keep those letters coming! Also for some time it may have seemed as though it were LDSTalk editorial policy that Canadia is Bad. Considering that this is a pure and christian board for all children of God, some of us aren't sure if that's a Bad thing. Or a Good thing. Or... whatever. To my knowledge, there is no such editorial policy here at LDSTalk. In fact, I can assure our readers that the professional journalists here at LDSTalk rely on scientific testing and sound logic when determining the relative Goodness or Badness of Canadia. The facts are reported accuratley without any anti-Canadia bias. LDSTalk has taken quite a bit of flak over this issue. Many irate Canadian readers have written in (sometimes we get several pieces of such hate mail every day) to complain about our treatment of Canadia. A recent example: Buddy, first of all, you're a freekin retard. To think it's called Canadia is to be an american. Or as we call it here, an idiot. You might think Canada stinks, but you know what, you're just jealous. You're jealous that we're the #1 Nation of Hockey, the best place to live, (voted I don't know HOW many times consecutively), and you're also jealous of the fact that our Canadian girls are FREEKIN HOT!!!!! First, if you wanna bash us, have a good reason. You know, we don't sleep in igloos, we have running water, and explain to me why us Canadians keep doing incredible things with our population of 30 million, where as yours, of over 200 million can't freekin keep up with anything we do? Canada (or as idiots, oh, pardon me, americans call it, Canadia, according to you) rocks the world, and you know it. You just can't admit it. So to heck with you, and have a great life. The reader makes some cogent points. In fact, our crack investigative team has found evidence of running water in Canadia. Much progress has been made in turning this frozen wasteland into a colony habitable for human life. For this Canadians are to be commended. Furthermore, there's the issue of hockey which, although not quite as elegant or refined a sport as Argentinian lesbian midget jello-wrestling, clearly has its merits. But the real point this gentleman makes is, in his words, "our Canadian girls are FREEKIN HOT!!!!!". This is a credit to Canadia as well as a chief obstacle to Canadian Goodness. See, the problematic thing is, while Canadia has undeniably brought us lovely young women such as Dorothy Stratten, Canadia ultimately has brought us also the likes of her husband Paul Snider. I think we can all see what the problem is here. What's the point of having "FREEKIN HOT!!!!!" babes if all you do is kill them in such a way that doesn't even leave a pretty corpse? So dear reader, I'm sure that you can see why we've had such difficulty with Canadia. It must however be noted that Dorothy Stratten did live long enough to pose in front of numerous photographers. Her legacy has been preserved. We have to look at the gestalt of this sort of trouble and accept the rose along with the thorns. The question becomes, rather than "is Canadia all good or all bad?", instead, "on the whole, is Canadia more good or bad." See, professionals such as the ones you may read here in this marvelous website, rely upon empirical scientific data rather than base prejudice when determining the spin to put on events north of the border. Because of all this, I am pleased to announce that new scientific evidence has been released that nudges Canadia up to 51.2% good and only 49.8% bad. Hooray Canadia!

U S A U S A U S A

You're right. Instead of attacking perhaps an indepth look into Canadia is in order... The problem, it seems, isn't so much the strange reports that continually issue forth from that vast, mostly uncharted region, but that such a place exists at all. Apparently most Americans are totally unaware that such a place as "Canadia" even exists! The common thread that tugs at American viewers here at LDSTalk, however, is one of deep, unsated curiosity. "I would like to visit Canadia," begins a typical note, "but I am unsure whether or not I would be welcome there. What should I bring? Is it safe to drink the water? Is it true that Canadians use giant stone donuts for currency? Does Berlitz offer a course in Canadish?" Sensing a Great Need, I will now present a short field guide to Canadian culture, history and economics in the interest of those Americans brave enough to chance a trip across the border. History Canadia was first settled by immigrant yak farmers who crossed the Bering Strait land bridge many eons ago. For thousands of years, very little happened in Canadia. Then dynamite was discovered. The French arrived, and appointed a provincial governor to bring order to the loosely organized tribal nations who flourished along the frigid shores of the Hudson Bay. Trade routes were established with Europe, and over time decorative Canadian knick-knacks were found in plentiful supply in curio shops all over Paris. Then the English arrived, and an uneasy co-existence with the French was maintained until the year 1902, when the first indoor plumbing was installed. Today the English and French descendants of the earliest European settlers enjoy many of the modern conveniences we take for granted here in the USA, including electricity and liquid glue. A communist nation since 1946, Canadia gained self-rule in 1972, in the aftermath of the infamous Maple Leaf Rebellion, when invading Soviet tanks rolled through the streets of Toronto, and were pelted with rocks and garbage by indignant Canadian hockey players. Although technically remaining behind the "Iron Curtain," Canadia, which has been ruled with an iron fist by First Marshall Tito since 1948, did not abandon its totalitarian rule after the collapse of Soviet-style communism in the late 1980s. A fiercely independent (and isolated) nation, Canadians still labor under severe government edicts which greatly restrict their freedoms of speech and right to travel freely. People and Culture A hardy people of stern, Northern stock, Canadians tend to be deeply suspicious and distrustful by nature, although it is unclear how much this has to do with the severity of the current system of government. Canadians live and work in commune-like "work clusters," and rarely leave the town where they are born for very long, if at all. Although little is known of the interior operations of these clusters, the few Canadians who have escaped to the south tell mysterious -- but unconfirmed -- tales of "giant robot insects" and harsh living conditions in tiny igloos. A popular misconception regarding Canadian culture is that cannibalism is not only tolerated, but taught in schools as a proper social behavior. Fortunately, this appears to be merely an urban legend. Canadians don't attend schools, for instance, and plentiful sustenance is available to all Canadians in the form of the rich maple syrup which forms in pools in many areas. A popular treat in Canadia is the "Slop Wafer," a bland, doughy cracker-like bread which is coated liberally with the ubiquitous syrup and then consumed at special occasions, like birthday parties, or the annual Festival of the Enormous Moose, which caps the main holiday season in August. Although most Canadians don't own or have access to television, many citizens are well versed in the antics of American sitcom television characters due to the efforts of village "story speakers," a sort of shamanistic figure who has obtained the use of a television during state-sponsored seminars, and returns to his or her village to pass along the stories to his "comrades". A particular favorite is "Sanford and Son," and it is not uncommon to witness Canadian children "Pulling a Sanford" in public: imitating Fred's hilarious mock heart attacks. Amplified music is forbidden by the Canadian government; bagpipes and accordians tend to be the most popular musical instruments. Many village pubs feature live polka music, and a lively time is sure to be had by all. A word of caution: it is considered impolite to shake hands with a Canadian, probably because napkins are outlawed. Such an attempt will generally encounter a stern glance and possibly even a visit from the local constable. Canadians consume great amounts of alcohol, which they call "hootcho". (cont next week when my fingers uncramp)

Canadia is the proper spelling for a country where the people call themselves "Canadians". If the country's name was spelled "Canada," then the people there would call themselves "Canadans." Since they call themselves "Canadians", it's only reasonable to spell the name of their country "Canadia." After all, people from Germany don't call themselves "Germanians" do they? For those of you who went to public school in the U.S. and haven't heard of Canadia before, it's a small, third-world country just north of the United States. Once you learn to understand their peculiar dialect of English, it's not too hard to converse with Canadian natives. Canadia is a poor and sparsely-populated country where up to 98% of the citizens are alcoholics. Most Canadian citizens have government jobs where they are paid to say "Eh?" all day long. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OK, here's the inside explanation for all of you Canadians who have, by now, worked yourself into a seriously indignant, perturbed, and self-righteous Canadanista fury: There's an American stereotype known as the "redneck". A redneck thinks all foreigners are scary, threatening people who are out to overthrow America. A completely looney redneck would think that Canadians are a threat to the American way of life, when in fact Canadians have a hard time threatening beavers. By appearing to attack Canadians, we're actually making fun of an American stereotype -- fearful of outsiders, poorly educated, and patriotic to the point of stupidity. We're poking fun at Americans. The fact that Canadians completely fail to understand this is an endless source of amusement to everyone on LDSTalk. The flaming letters to the members all wrapped up in Canadian patriotism -- complete with tales of hockey, health care, Molson beer, and Canadian peace-keepers -- are as unintentionally heart-warming as they are hilarious. It's hard to imagine that that kind of heartfelt innocence still exists these days, because here in jaded America, it doesn't. Sweet, innocent Canadians, we salute you! P.S. If you guys keep mouthing off, one of these days we're gonna invade your sorry country and give you a serious arse-kicking.