FormalMan

A majority of my concerns really stem from being hurt. I'm at a point where I've sort of lost my identity. For me, it was more of being afraid of how they'll react rather than being judged as unkind or selfish. Definitely something I have to work on myself. At least now, I have nothing holding me back from going on my mission. I'm already 24.

Thanks for the advice everyone. @Eowyn Yes, I'll admit the relationship has made me bitter (its 4 months fresh; still in the anger/depression stage of grief), I definitely was codependent. It does get difficult constantly reminding myself that my future relationships won't be like that. But thanks for understanding. Plus we had differing beliefs (she was a Witness o_O) @Connie Thank you for that. After reading alot of the articles on LDS.org that was the word I was looking for; It's codependency minus the consequence of built up resentment because of the unequal efforts. I guess my views on marriage isn't all doomed now. I mean, being in that type of relationship is built in me; give and give without much expectation in return. I just hope I can find a lady that can share the same viewpoint. At this point in time though, I NEED to be single and date around lol; it just got exhausting after all that time.

Hello everyone, its been years since I've posted. I've followed many of the threads here and seeing marriage from an eternal perspective, I've noticed marriage really isn't all that its cracked up to be. Now, I'm speaking as a single person and never married, I was in a relationship with my first (and only girlfriend) of 6 years. We almost got married and after reading all these threads... I'm so glad I didn't. So glad, that its becoming at a point where marriage is just not... for lack of better words, worth it? Yes, there is the "checklist" of that temple marriage in order to get into the celestial kingdom, but I've seen its comes to to a point after 6+ years of marriage, thats where the real work begins. The whole honeymoon phase is well past gone where children are usually in the mix, and everyone's urging advice is to avoid divorce. And I agree. The interesting part is, that we have to start giving up on our own desires, wants, needs, etc. in order to fully love our spouse, I agree with that also. Now, isn't that just being codependent? Hear me out, here. I'm not being cynical or trying to troll or whatever, but I really think ideally a good marriage is between two people who are codependent (I know, sounds ridiculous). After my break up with my fiance, I look back at how much I catered to her, sacrificing whatever integrity I had or pride, or needs. I started reading all the material i had about codepedency, and now i realize, why should I be fixing that? Isn't that how spouses should be treating each other? From what I've read, that's what the advice (I've interpreted) on here is. Your marriage comes to a point where you have to literally work for your love, work for your happiness. Here's what I quickly searched: That's what I see marriage is about now because of what I've read, except its two partners placing the needs of each other's needs before their own. Taken to the extreme? A bit, yes. I'll admit, all the times I was aware I was putting all my needs second to hers I was excited, happy, that I was doing something nice for her, knowing that it would make her day. If that was reciprocated, that would be the ideal marriage for me, because I'd be aware that she'd be doing the same... ...but frankly, I'm not ready to do that just yet.

Oh, a quick recap of our story was that -5 years of being together she was 17 and i was 18 -got engaged on New Years -Messed up her birthday -took up a a break -didn't work because still saw each other, it was really awkward -i told her "we haven't had time to grow up by ourselves. We always knew each other as being with the other person" -Finally broke it off (sort of mutual) because she agreed with that I had said. @rameumptom i'm torn on what to do. People tel me to just leave it be and just end it. Part of me thinks I'm going to be accountable for that on judgement. I've already wrote an apology, but its just a matter of sending it.

I'm so glad there are some sensible members who I agree with. It's not really a good idea to join the church just because you think it will make her like you more, or that you're trying to show how interested you are by being interested in her things. You've already made it clear that these two interests are totally separate, and like everyone else says, just make sure you let her know that. I remember telling my ex, that if she decided to join the church that I only wanted her to join by her own motivation and not to just make me happy or because we were together. It would tear me apart if she had joined and i knew that was her motivation. So, there's nothing wrong with letting her know your stance on the issue. And yeah, welcome to the site

Okay guys, I definitely complicated things for myself after a facade that just happened. So many of you followed my story. It's been 1 month and a half of NC! It was all good, I was happy, I was getting over her, and then I made the mistake of attacking her. Within this month, she has contacted me twice. Nothing big, just her wanting some stuff back she let me borrow. These are things I intended to give back, but just didn't find the time (or care) to do so. The first item i could understand why she wanted it back, the second one was the one that confused me! It was just $10-15 oven bake clay. She texted me saying "I need that clay I let you borrow. Can you bring it to my house tomorrow?" My first initial reaction was "really?" Why can't she buy another one herself? I thought about how to deal with this: meeting somewhere neutral, me just dropping it off in her mailbox, having her pick it up at my house. All these reasons being motivated by my ego/pride. Me, trying to be the "chivalrous man" here (Rouge4Rent... i know i know) I thought I'll just be a man about it, just give it to her say hi, smile and leave. For some reason the back of my mind kept thinking "maybe she wants to talk, maybe she wants to invite me" as i drove there. Exactly the opposite: one of those awkward greetings and exchanges. Okay, so I'm thinking "yay its over, I can move on." It actually began to dawn on me that I was having closure, that she's still the stubborn, stick-to-her-guns, kind of person. Went home, happy. Thinking about my move, how happy I'm going somewhere new. And then I think to myself, I think I'm ready to sell her b-day present. Bad idea. So i list it on Facebook Market, wrote the description of the item, the cost, and then it asks for a reason. "Why?" I simply put, "Don't need it." All is good right? Moments later I write, "It was supposed to be a gift." Someone later comments on it, someone saying how nice it is. I respond my saying, "Yeah its nice. It's going to a better home." Worse idea. I'll admit, those statements were motivated by resentment, anger. Also, I saw as being a neutral statement also (a way to fall back in case it gets misread). Lol Apparently I missed 3 calls from the mother throughout the day, each time leaving me messages to call her back in a very stern tone. Finally, I realized how much I've missed, and call her back. And the rest you really don't want to know. Let's just say she went off on me. There was quite a range of topics she covered: how disrespectful I was, how she let me into her home, treated me like a son, "I thought you loved her??", what did you mean by these statements, how much she respected me before but now doesn't, how I crossed the line, pretty much telling me to stop what I'm doing. And yeah, my fall back didn't work either; "I'm not stupid!" She asks me to remove all the messages, removes me and my family as friends (keeps my father a friend for some odd reason). Okay, I know I'm in the wrong here. I've definitely hurt her and the mother. Ruined any chances to being friends again (woohoo?). No desire to be with her. Fortunately eliminated any hope of us getting back. I know as a human being, i need to apologize. I'm thinking of writing both of them a letter, a quick but sincere apology. My intention is just to at least keep things clean, leave things on a good note. Is this a good idea? What should my letter really consist of?

@Bensalem we were actually engaged almost for the whole year. So we were together since June 2005 and i proposed this year on New Years. What broke the camel's back was that I messed up once again on her birthday and she just got tired of the same problem in the relationship. I say it was a mix of cold feet and her finally realizing my flaws and the marriage label attached to it. But oh well. At this point, I really don't want to "look for her," but more just wait for her to come to me. @fueledbysarah thanks for your reply. It's good to know that someone had a similar trial. It's funny, my brain knows logically that I'll find someone better one day, its just my dang heart that doesn't want to participate. I'm honestly working to get my Patriarchal blessing just to give me some kind of direction.

Well I'm not saying that there are "soul-mates" or what not. I guess what I was asking was if he really is looking out for our happiness. I know we are all capable of being just as happy with one person to another person, don't get me wrong. It's more about finding the best. Does He leave that to us? Sometimes I wouldn't mind the idea of having stumbled upon the person I could live the best possible life with, because we all are different and nothing will be the perfect 'soul-mate'. I need to brush up on my knowledge of the whole Plan of Salvation, I guess. Because if Celestial marriage is part of the Plan, then surely with all our own efforts to try and find someone we will achieve that. Just reading a lot of stories on how divorces are prevalent even in temple marriages. It's not really a guaranteed thing. Then again, nothing is guaranteed in this world, right?

1. Time Machine 2. Hahah Invisibility Cloak (ADoyle, good one) 3. That Inception dream machine thing 4. A pill that actually feeds you (skips the whole meal all together) 5. The need for sleep to be gone. (Wastes too much time)

I realize that I shouldn't push at all. I never did. Now I'm thinking because of that, it has never piqued her interest after all these years. The crazy thing is was that I took two lessons from her church. It was bible study but she stopped making appointments and stopped going all together. I EVEN attended her yearly sacrament (which is totally different from ours by the way) just to show how open i was to her beliefs. Although we did celebrate all the holidays, but I don't think that was really a sacrifice on her part. Who am i kidding though, we're not even together anymore. I guess the best advice I could give myself is just find an LDS woman and prevent any stresses or hardships down the road, right?

Alright, I no better way of saying this, I know that Heavenly Father has someone for us to marry, with enough effort on our part as well. I'm having trouble having faith in this. I believe it, but not with faith. It's not something that can easily be found in the scriptures (at least maybe I'm not looking hard enough), but I just feel like I won't be able to "top" the woman i was with for 5 years. Maybe its a combination of her being my first relationship, or that the break is still fresh. I hear the story of Job, and I feel like I'm going through the same situation having lost a lot of friendships and her as some kind of test. I feel like my faith is actually being tried after all these years of "laid back" churching (if thats a word). I still feel that when he lost his wife and got a new one, it doesn't really "restore" what he had lost. I guess my question is, does He really have someone planned for all of us? How are some ways I can build more faith into actually believing it?

Jazok, Yeah, I've done some research on the subject as well. The divorce rate for LDS are somewhere between 23-26% but the idea the rate of temple marriage divorces are at 6% because most people just don't want to go through the trouble of dissolving the sealing. That's something I'm looking for, a woman that will work through ANY obstacle just to save the marriage. Honestly, the idea of divorce is not in my vocabulary. As for going to counseling, I have no idea if that will work. I feel my objective would be to try to somehow convince her to at least try exposing herself to the church. At the same time, it goes against what i said in my OP! Just don't know.

Thank you all for your input on my situation. All of you have presented things to me that I will think about. @Justaguy I feel that maybe all this past baggage may not be worth. I've definitely considered it because not only did we have issues that were religious, but we also had the non-religious issues. @MrShorty Thanks for that read. I think this would be great advice if i did decide to be with her again. My gripe was that when we discussed religion, we would agree to a lot of things, what sucked was that I even compromised my desire for a temple marriage, which I feel like I don't want to as much now. Although, on the other hand, from all the temple marriages I've seen, it's not a guaranteed thing that will work. @Bini I'm sorry you're going through that. Thank you for sharing your situation to show me what it could be like if we did start having kids. I remember we agreed that we would both allow the kids to grow up without any religion and let them choose when they get older (I realized this wouldn't really work because without being taught those foundations at the early age, it will be even less likely they'll join any) @mrmarklin lol, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that only good LDS women are from UT. What i meant to says was that there's an increased chance that I'll find on there. And if she decided that she didn't want to convert at all, I don't really know how I'd react to it. Possibly very disappointed because I've put too much hope that she would convert. @Suzanne627 I would very much like to be sealed to my family. She did have trouble with even the Sabbath and that we wouldn't be able to go out or shop and what not. Now throw in the meetings and extended callings would probably cause more trouble. Then again, its a matter of whether I believe this whole temple marriage thing is all its cracked up to be. @Jazok Thats what I worry about. Yeah, shes inactive, but the moment that child comes in the world, her whole perspective will change and maybe she will want to go back to being active as a Witness. I've seen it before with my co-worker. As for going back with her, I'm just not sure now. Everything else is great with her. She loves my family, they love her. All the departments are great except the religion thing. Decisions decisions.

Hi everyone, I've been reading the posts around here and I thought I'd start sharing my own concerns. I was with this woman for the past 5 years of a relationship. It recently ended 4 weeks ago because of responsibility issues, and honestly, I started treating like her like an object. Yes, we had sex for the past 4 years. We were both very into it, but I think eventually my "desires" overtook the respect part of things. Since then, I've talked to my bishop and started the process. Now, I've been reading a lot of materials about getting back with the ex and what not, and I think we really could get back together. The issue is in the long run. We're REALLY compatible in terms of being around each other and having fun. We're both each others first (literally). First bf/gf, relationship, sexual experience. Here's the issue, shes a Witness, inactive, but still holds on to some of the beliefs (probably because her mother is somewhat devout). We've celebrated holidays and birthdays, so you get the idea of how she feels about it. I'm worried by getting with her again, that everything maybe all dandy at first but down the road will be troublesome with children in the picture. She said she would be willing to go to church with me once we start living together (married) and even take lessons. Sounds great, but at the same time I don't want her to force herself to believe something just because of me. I would want her to 'discover' the LDS church all on her own. The question: is religion a really big issue? I understand that can be a foundation of a lot of problems. Is it worth it, or should I just improve my chances by moving to Utah (I really am) and finding that LDS woman (I live in CA). I guess when i hear stories of people' SO's converting makes me feel better, but at the same time, I think I've done nothing to set an example to her about being LDS. Yeah, I've taken her to the temple once, never went to church with me, prayed once or twice together. She's the type that if I would push my beliefs on her she would push away ten fold. I've messed up big time in the religion dept, i know. I'm thinking by the 'example' I've set, she's even more turned off by the idea of possibly joining. I've tainted her idea of the church. Thanks in advance.

Hi everyone! I have no idea how to start this but I want to make it as friendly as possible! I've stumbled alot of forums and I think this is one that will truly help me. I'm actually part of another relationship forum and while they do give worthwhile advice, the standards are not similar to mine. I am LDS, been born LDS and an Elder. I'm recently suffering a break up after a 5 year relationship with a really wonderful person. One of the big problems that I secretly thought about was our incompatibility in religious beliefs (she was a Witness, I know, totally opposite right?) Anyway, I guess after compromising so much of my values just to be with her, I'm looking towards a better future (hopefully go on a mission, temple marriage). So I hope I can find that here. I think after putting the Church on the back burner for a long time (and a lot of bad decisions), I'm ready to start living the principles that I want. Well, I think that is more than enough in an intro. I'll start posting things now! FM