farm_marm

I had my first m/c at 21. I didn't know i was pregnant. After heavy bleeding for 6weeks. The light finally came on. But then I got pregnant immediately with my second child (he leaves for his mission in about a month!) It took 4 years to get pregnant again. Then 2 years for the next. I was coerced into having a tubal ligation by the medical staff. It took 7 years to have that reversed (NEVER ignore the Holy Ghost! He told me not to have the surgery). I got pregnant after 5 months of trying. I knew for 1 wk that I was pregnant before I m/c'd. I got pregnant two more times and have two beautiful little boys! Then I got pregnant again. We were sooo excited! Maybe this would be a girl! We have five boys and one girl. I enjoyed the Christmas season with my family. Then New Year's..then the bleeding started. I had a d/c to remove the baby on my Dad's birthday. I was devastated. I could not get the image of what the d/c entails out of my head. It was far worse for me than the actual death of my baby. The baby had died before Christmas at 10 weeks. I m/c'd at 15 wks. I got pregnant again. Just before Easter. I was less excited this time. I was more anxious and apprehensive. Again, at 15 weeks, I started spotting. Again, no heartbeat. Again u/s confirmed it. Again, the Dr. wanted me to do a d/c. This time I flat out said no. I told him I just couldn't go through that again. I had the m/c at home. It took a week and a half to pass the baby. There was pressure but no pain. I was surprised. What we didn't realize at that time was that I had not yet passed the placenta. It took another 9 days before that happened. When it did, I felt all the pain and then some, that I had previously been expecting. Our baby is buried under a special tree that I had already dubbed as my memorial tree for the first baby we lost after reversal surgery. After this loss I decided to try and get in better health and lost 40 lbs. Then in Dec '10 started trying to get pregnant again. I felt ready physically and emotionally. I prayed. i went to the temple. I accepted a calling that I REALLY didn't want. I did all that was asked of me. Jan 1st i started my cycle. oh. joy. happy.new.year. But at the end of the month when my next cycle was due...it didn't happen. On groundhog day I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and excited. I went in for bloodwork, everything looked good. hormones are normal. Next visit we heard the heartbeat!!! Yay! I was 12 weeks. I felt like I could start to tell people the news. Of course closest friends and most of the family already knew. I went in yesterday for my second official visit. Urine sample needed. I found I was spotting. oh. no. not. again. PLEASE! I went in the exam room and said nothing about the pink spotting, I figured that if we heard a heartbeat I would just ignore it. We didn't find the heartbeat. I went for u/s. My Dr.s receptionist walked me down to the u/s office. She's soooo sweet! U/s confirmed there was no movement of any kind, no heartbeat. My baby had died. Again. It died at 12-13 weeks and I have just hit 16 weeks gestation. My Dr. agreed to let me pass the baby at home. Barring any complications. I might have the d/c after the baby passes if I don't pass the placenta. My 18 year old son was driving, he took me to lunch, then we went to Joann for a burial box. I bought a 4x4 and a 6x6 papier mache box. I'll use whichever works best. I'll make a pillow and a blanket for the baby's tiny body to rest on. Again. I know that Heavenly Father has not forsaken me. That the Lord has felt my pain. I know that whichever way you want to believe it, that these spirits are sealed to our family and we'll be reunited again, or that the body wasn't perfect enough for the spirit to inhabit, that the spirit will come again to another body, it helps heal my heart. Eventually. It hurts tremendously right now. I'm trying to type through my tears, and have to keep going back to fix mistakes. Maybe for someone, just knowing that we as mother's all have these same feelings of grief, dissappointment and fears, my story will help someone else. I hope that we can bring forth another spirit into this mortal world, to have and to hold. Not to bury and mourn. I pray for all of us to find the peace that we need.