brooklynbw

Im sorry...what are swingers? Am I that naive?

It does help skippy, that's why I keep asking...I have learned some valuable things the last few days. My mother-in-law says I don't nag and that's why my marriage is a shambles. I always figured that he was a grown up and he felt bad for the things he had said and done (or not said and not done...) and that he didn't need me to say them out loud. I think he knew when he had let us down. I didn't need to bring it up too. I have tried to be understanding and forgiving and supportive (we've moved across country 5 times in his pursuit of growing up) I guess the hard part is that I don't have ADD/ADHD and I forgive and I try to forget, but it isn't as easy for me. After four kids (2 of which already have ADHD) it is hard to just excuse the behavior and move on. It is hard to teach kids that "monkey see but monkey can't do too and this isnt how we treat a wife and this isn't what we do as grownups and your daddy loves you but just can't get it together..." I don't want to do that and that is the direction I am heading as my kids grow older. My ten year old whips out the "but dad does it" card all the time lately and I want to tell him things like, "look what it got him..." but I can't nor will I ever do that to him. The kids don't even know that divorce is in the mix. My husband doesn't want anyone to know much less why and I understand that and I have been trying to be respectful of that. I have always been wary of offering him anything, much less a book because he is the kind of person that if you tell him to do something, he will do the opposite. So I appreciate the approach. I won't wrap it up as a gift either. Maybe I will even tell him about it, and then let him go after it himself. I also think you are right on the Christmas trip. I can appreciate that, but when will he get that spark that you have about your kids (I watched the youtube)? Will he ever feel for us what we feel for him? I don't want to bring it up again. I didn't respond to his comment. I just soaked it in. It is just painful. What do I ask him to do? What kinds of things would you be willing to come and do for your family? Enjoy conference today. I hope that there are some answers there for all of us. I know I have them stacking up in my head. I am ready. Are you?

I looked into the book. I think I want a copy for both of us. I hadn't thought of any of this as a health problem. That sheds a whole new light on things. I don't know if my husband will believe that...he is very skeptical about everything. (He won't even have a facebook account) He has even stopped taking anything for his ADHD, depression, high blood pressure...everything. I also hadn't considered that he might be feeling like a failure and that is why he doesn't want to come see us. I just thought that he resented me in general and the thought of seeing me revulsed him. We spoke on the phone tonight as we are trying to get things separated and shipped to us since we are so far apart and I'm the one who left. He was asking about things I wanted and the topic of Christmas came up. He said (I will leave out the vulgarities...), "what good is Christmas for without family?" I don't know how to respond to him when he says things like that. What should I say to him? This whole thing is tearing me up inside and out and he thinks I'm doing it for kicks and giggles? I have no response. So now I'm home aching inside because I miss him and know he is unhappy, I'm unhappy, kids are unhappy...I hate this! Pogi, I think I need to go to a meeting for me so that I can get on with my life...

Skippy this is all earily familiar. My husband also has ADD and we too had a great life behind our bedroom door. In fact, that is one of the only things we had going for us. We aren't fighters so we rarely spoke unkind things to eachother but that always meant one of us was holding something back and frustration was rampant. It breaks my heart that we couldn't figure it out. In fact, we are almost better friends apart than we were together. It is just lame. I take that back...he is still mean sometimes. I think that is just because he is angry at the situation and himself. Am I wrong? Can you tell me why you think he doesn't want to see me or the boys at all? He hasn't seen us since May and doesn't even want to come for Christmas. He is 1900 miles away... Our boys miss him and he said he would come and now he is saying that he doesn't think it is going to happen. I feel dumb and whiney, but it is nice to talk frankly with someone instead of holding it all inside. I try to be careful about who I say things to so I don't shmear his reputation all over the place. He is a great man who made some really bad choices. So thanks for responding. Thanks for being willing to be open. Thanks for listening to me go around and around and reminding me that I didn't ruin things. Sometimes I need the Lords gentle assurances that what I'm doing isn't crazy. That I'm not the only one. One thing that I wanted to ask is if you are going to the ARP meetings? Is your wife (or used to be wife) going too? How are you working on your addiction? What has been helpful to you? Do you still talk to her? Do you still get to see your kids?

skippy740, would you marry your spouse again? According to my husband I have ruined his life. This is all my fault, and, and, and... I don't want to play games with my husband. I can't put my eternity on hold though. I did tell him that I would marry him again...if he could be porn free for awhile. When he stops saying, "I can't promise you I won't ever look again..." I'm not out looking for a new spouse. I'm not looking to replace my boys dad. I just need to be completely free of the evil that has taken over my husband. If he can get rid of it...which I believe in a Savior that has the ability to do that - I would marry him again. Is that playing games? Divorce is a big fat deal. I don't think that it is too light for what we have been through though. Pogi, I would so love to go to a spouses group, but finding the time is a different story. I am single, four boys, working and going to school, holding a calling...Im going crazy! I want to...there just aren't enough at the right times. That's why I came here. Hoping to find a support group in the few minutes I get in between all the madness. Your posts have been very helpful. Does the spouses group use the same manual as the actual addict group or do they just get together and talk?

Thank you Pogi! I think the thing that has done the most harm in my marriage is that my husband won't admit that he has a problem. He refuses to use the 12 step program that the church has to offer. He refuses to get counceling. He refuses to do the things that all of our Bishop's have asked us to do and he doesn't want to involve me. It wasn't until I finally left that he even disclosed how bad his addiction really was and that it started when he was 12 years old. I have known since 6 weeks after we got married that he had a "little problem"...14 years later and 4 kids later, every bishop and every home later...I wish that the church had had more information and help all those years ago. He is so deep into it now he can't hold a job, finish his schooling or muster even the desire to come see his boys. I am working through this with the help of the Lord. I couldn't do this alone. I have been to counceling, my bishop, my stake president... I appreciate that you are so willing to just admit it. I think that is so key. I think that if pride could just be let go of (I personally know how difficult that is - Im ruining a 14 year marriage in the temple...) that the Lord can work in us to help us to overcome anything. I wish that my husband was willing...I certainly have given it my all...but it just wasn't enough I guess.

This is such a huge problem. I loved/hated that movie. I am currently the single mom of 4 little boys because of this very thing...divorce pending. The only way I know how to help someone "stay away" is to make the decision now...just like you do with everything else. Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, premarital sex...the decision needs to made now. Before the pornado starts popping up on your computer. The internet is called a web for a reason. It can trap, ensnare and kill us just like a spider web. Maybe not physically, but spiritually. It is Satan's world wide web and it is huge and we are all walking right into it.