[Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?]

Hi Tumbledquartz,

Yes you absolutely deserve to be loved, fully and completely by your husband irregardless of what you weigh, or what you look like in the mirror.

Marriage is a forever deal. Even for non Mormons who are not sealed for eternity, marriage is an agreement between two people to love each other for a lifetime. Your husband need to come to the realization of that. Love is not conditional or based on fluxuating numbers on a scale, or even whether someone is pleasant to look at, or is even capable of having sexual relations. What happens if God forbid some day your hair turns gray, or you get cancer and your hair falls out from chemo, or you get sagging and wrinkles all over. If we are blessed with a long life, sooner or later it's a given we will not look like we did in our youth.

I would like to share something that maybe could be a little exercise that could be of help. If not that is ok too. Anyway I was invited to attend a workshop that dealt with self esteem issues and how a person saw themselves. It began with asking the participants to try to recall when the first time was that they were self aware of their appearance. Think of how a happy healthy little child lives in joy and feels good about themselves when they may have never yet even looked in a mirror; and if they do they likely do not register any thought process on how they look.

The workshop continued over several days. Part of the program was for people to describe themselves on how they appeared to themselves AT THAT VERY MOMENT and how they think others saw them also at THAT VERY MOMENT. The interesting part is that there were NO mirrors to be had anywhere. None in the ladies room, none in the cabins where participants stayed. And the rules were that you could not bring mirrors in. No mirrors at all for a three day workshop. So you would have to describe yourself regarding your appearance AT THAT VERY MOMENT. And there were no scales either or any device that could give a reading, a barometer of any kind or an opinion of your appearance, other than how you see yourself in your own mind.

It was interesting because since even dressing, brushing your hair and general grooming, you really could not tell other than touch. So since you really couldn't "see" what you looked like and you had no frame of reference, participants described their attributes. What was good about themselves and even what they didn't like so well, but they did not physically describe themselves.

The point was to learn to be happy with what you have without aid of a mirror. In fact mirrors are somewhat of an illusion that don't always tell you the truth anyway. How many anorexic girls look in a mirror and see fat? How many obese girls look in the mirror and see themselves as a sexy diva? It isn't the mirror. It's what they think they see.

So back to why to adjust your weight to a healthy level. Re read your post where you say you need to get your weight down (and you have a specific number in mind determined by what you used to weigh). So how about adjusting the thoughts to not so much getting your weight down, rather getting your health up. Feeling fit and healthy is the key. The fact that you did a marathon is an indication that you have been in pretty good shape as far as health and fitness goes.

Ok so moving forward, now you see yourself as healthy and the weight is at a healthy level (don't compare it with some number that registered before). If it's too tempting, lock the scale up in the closet so you don't have to think about numbers. Once you are at a healthy weight and feel healthy and energetic and fit; you will not likely be so focused on the need to be be loved by someone else because you will have learned to love yourself.

Then you will come to realize that you deserve to be loved by someone who appreciates you beyond the physical because the physical part doesn't last all that long anyway.

It is good to look and be your best of course. But the goal in a happy mutually loving adoring marriage is to get past the mirrors and the scales and look at each other from the mind and heart.

The thing that always warms my heart is when I see a couple in their 80's or 90's looking at each other like they are the most attractive people in the room, holding hands and looking more in love than I see couples on their wedding day.

May you have all the love in the world that you believe that you deserve.

[Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, mostly not-so-happily, but we've been working on it. One big thorn in our marriage is the fact that in our first year of marriage, I gained weight, and he says he never wanted a fat wife. I've never been enormous by any means, but I weigh about 50 pounds more now than I did when we met. Never mind the fact that he gained just as much weight as I did - men are visual and women aren't; therefore, it doesn't matter if he gains weight, but it matters if I do.

I've tried to lose weight and sometimes been successful and sometimes not, but right now, I weigh more than I ever have other than when I was pregnant. He has told me that if he knew I would never get a hot body, he would leave the marriage right now. He's only staying in hopes that I get with the program and get skinny. I proposed that he work on whatever issues he has that make him so unhappy with someone who isn't a supermodel, and he thought that was the absolute most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of because there's no way a man can be attracted to a fat woman.

Things have really deteriorated this last year and then the last few weeks have been terrible because I just found out a whole bunch of crap that I had no idea was going on. He's been drinking, smoking pot, looking at porn, and, the ultimate kicker that I just found out two days ago, is that he cheated on me. He swears it was only one time and they didn't "go all the way," so I guess there is at least that. Small consolation, since he admitted they did have oral sex. But he is adamant that he isn't going to do that again and that he's going to quit the alcohol and porn. He's even talking about coming back to church, something he hasn't done in several years.

Part of me just can't get over kicking myself because I knew before I married him that he had been through rehab and had had problems with alcoholism, drugs, and had been sleeping around before I met him. But he had repented and was very spiritual and I was just super naive, I guess. There were red flags that I didn't see because I was just so desperate for someone to love me and I had a bird in the hand - someone who gave me tons of love and wanted to take me to the temple.

He's been going through this whole mid-life-crisis over the last few years as he approached age 40. He's now losing weight and taking great pains to look good, including using lots of anti-wrinkle cream and is even talking about hair replacement therapy. He says the window of opportunity he has right now to get a hot wife is closing and if I'm not going to be the wife he wants, he's getting ready to go get her.

Honestly, huge parts of me are wanting to kick him to the curb right this second and say good riddance. But then parts of me wonder if he's right. Will I have any chance of finding a decent guy if he leaves me and I'm still fat? Can a man REALLY love a fat woman? Or is that too much to ask for?

I really need to hear from men specifically if you're reading this - HONEST answers. Do I have any hope of being really loved and cherished if I'm not a size 8 or less? Because if not, I need to know now so I can put every effort I can muster into saving the relationship I already have and keeping my kids' dad around. I feel in my heart like I deserve better, but despite the things I've written in this post, he's a good dad, he provides well for our family, and he generally treats me well - no physical abuse or anything like that.

If I could lose 50 pounds and our marriage and family life would be 100 times better, maybe that's what I should be putting all my energy into. Especially considering the fact that if we divorce, I might never remarry and/or end up marrying someone who isn't any better and I will have destroyed my family for nothing.

Dear Tumbledquartz,

I am new to this forum but have been reading posts for a while. When I came across your post I felt very bad for you. Initially when I read your post I thought the same as others likely did, and that is if he is cheating (yes oral sex is cheating), then just dump him. But being in the medical profession I would be amiss if I did not comment that whether you stay in the marriage or end it, is not the real issue. And your husband's bad choices are not about you, how you look or how much you weigh. Your husband is responsible for breaking his marriage commitment, not you. Your husband need to take responsibility for his actions.

That being said, the problem you are having is not about your husband, rather it is about you. And you need to take responsibility for YOUR actions. When it comes to weight, it is very unlikely that an adult will weigh the same in middle age as they did as a teen. Pregnancy, bone structure changes, hormonal changes all play a role. Although some stay slender all their adult life, even they tend to put on a few pounds throughout middle age and then lose weight as they enter their advanced years. So gaining a few pounds is perfectly normal. BUT 50 pounds of gained and sustained weight is not normal and it is definitely not healthy.

It is a documented fact that obesity is a big contributor to adult onset (type II diabetes), heart disease, cancer, and man other debilitating diseases. Your need to lose weight has nothing to do with becoming "skinny" or having a "hot" body, but it has everything to do with being healthy in body, in mind and in spirit.

Indulge me a moment so we can address these things. From our Mormon perspective, we are guided by the words of wisdom to refrain from things that are not good for our bodies. Coffee, tea, smoking, alcohol, drugs and such are not good for us so they are wise words indeed. Unfortunately I often wish the Words of wisdom had a much long list including white bread, overeating, too much sugar and fat, donuts, fast food, ice cream, potato chips and similar junk food and such. But when the words of wisdom were written much of these things never existed so they were not written about. Over time when this "junk" became available to us, no one paid attention to the warnings about obesity. I guess if it isn't in scriptures then no need to follow wise eating habits. In addition we have all become too sedentary. No one had to tell the pioneers to get exercise more. Their entire lives were exercise.

We need to really stop and think about those words of wisdom. We need to think of our bodies as the Temples they were created to be. We need to think that making bad eating choices are every bit as bad a choice as popping the cork on a bottle of wine. We need to think that God created us in his image and his image is not about being unhealthy and obese, nor is it about being skinny or having a hot body. It is about being the very best you can be. It is about living to the fullness of joy and the highest potential that you were created to be.

You will never be able to change your husband or change anyone else for that matter. But you can change yourself. It's is not easy. It is an ongoing daily lifestyle. When your body is healthy, your mind and your spirit will be as well. It's all part of the package.

I would seriously surround yourself with healthy thoughts, healthy people and make some changes that will make you healthier and keep you healthy. And if you have children, your healthier lifestyle may rub off on them as well which makes you a better guiding and loving parent that cares bout their health as well. Educate yourself or join a group. Get out and walk. Exercise does not mean having to join an expensive health club. And remember that those 50 pounds did not just happen on your body in a day, and they will not leave in a day. One day at a time. One walk at a time. One meal at a time. You can and will change if you want to and if you want to do it for YOU.

And please PLEASE PLEASE!!!! Do not be desperate for someone to love you. YOU need to LOVE YOU! You are loved by the one who created you. Once you get healthy then you can decide if your husband needs to change in order to meet your requirements.

I truly wish you all the best of happiness and health.

Sarah

[New here with questions - please bear with me]

Hello,

My name is Sarah. I am new to this forum but have been reading posts for quite a while.

To begin please bear with me because this post may be kind of long. And please do not judge me regarding my questions. I believe in mutual respect. I say this up front because I have been a member of the LDS church for almost 10 years and if ever I have a question at church I am either avoided, or I am ignored and subject changed.

I am not here to change anyone's view points; rather I simply want my questions respected and maybe I can find some answers that can put things in much better perspective for me.

I have so many questions that one post could not do it justice but will begin with some things that have been on my mind for as long as I have been a member and even before.

Both my husband and I were brought up Catholic. Typical Catholic school through elementary, public high school, and university. We married in the catholic church, raised two daughters and pursued our professional careers. The early part of of marriage was oriented toward our careers and raising our two girls. Our church life consisted of having the girls baptized, first communion and catholic school during the elementary school years.

This was mainly because we preferred sending our girls to a private school where we felt the education was better than the public school alternative. Other than that, our church attendance was mainly attending friends weddings, christenings, and midnight mass on Christmas Eve. We never really bought into the teachings of the Catholic church, however, we did believe in God, the bible and much of what Jesus taught during his time on earth.

When our daughters graduated from high school, and moved away to college, my husband and I developed what some call the "empty nest" syndrome. It was around this time that we got a knock on our door from the missionaries. We took the lessons and started attending church, and during this time we developed a lot of new friendships. In the height of our careers and raising children, we didn't make a lot of time for close friendships and much structured social life. At this point in our lives with children raised, careers established and more free time, we really welcomed our new friendships and structured social life.

Truth be told at the time our main reason for joining the church was the social life. We became active and held several callings over the years. Since our daughters were already in college, they never joined the church with us or afterward. Our oldest daughter married a catholic, are very involved in the Catholic church and have three children of their own. Our younger daughter is more recently married after taking more time to pursue post graduate work and her career. She and her husband travel a lot with their professional careers and made a firm decision before getting married not to have children. And although they believe in God and are not atheists, they choose not to practice any organized religion.

That's the background so perhaps that will give you a perspective on our religious background.

Now when it comes to questions:

My husband and I accepted an opportunity to moved to another town where both our children wound up settling. The good part is we can be closer to them. The down side is the old LDS friendships trailed away. And the new Ward does not seem to offer the kind of friendships we had left behind. For the past three years at out new Ward, we have been active in body but not exactly fully in mind and spirit.

More and more when my husband and I return home from church we have discussions about things that we cannot bring up in church for fear of being apostates. Our new Ward seems much more Christian fundamentalist with a LOT of strong emphasis on salvation, "enduring to the end" planning for impending disasters, striving to be sure we are worthy for the celestial kingdom and the urgency to do Temple work. These things of course are the teachings of the church, and they are good solid teachings. However, it seems to us that the focus is so negative. It seems like the fun is out of life in this Ward and it's just all about struggling, striving, enduring, waiting for impending disasters. Honestly when we get home from church we are beginning to feel frustrated and depressed over this fatalistic approach.

We don't want to leave, and yes we have spent a decade in prayer, fasting, scripture study and church involvement. When we go to fast and testament we can no longer share our feelings, ideas, or be built up spiritually. The new meetings are simply everyone saying the Same thing.... I know this church is true, I know God lives, I know we have a living prophet. Yes we get that, we agree and we understand that but repeating the exact same words isn't any different than the memorized prayers of our catholic catechism days.

So here are my questions:

1. Is it wrong to focus on the positive? The love of God. The teachings of Jesus while he walked the Earth. The Gospels that show what Jesus actually said while on this earth were positive, forgiving, healing, inspirational. In fact Jesus spent more time healing people than he even preached. So why at church are their only priesthood blessings but no healing focus? Jesus did say to go out and do likewise which included healing miracles yet it is not a focus in the church even though it was a very strong focus of Jesus.

2. What about unconditional love? The unconditional love of God our creator? We are now hearing so much about "conditional love". God loves us more when we tithe, refrain from coffee and tea, alcohol and smoking, and sustain the leaders of the church. Don't get me wrong, we do sustain the leaders of the church, we do tithe and follow the words of wisdom, and we know what is healthy and not healthy and what is good for our bodies. But is a person not worthy enough in the eyes of God because they don't drink coffee but they eat tons of junk food, become obese from not caring for themselves, but they are more worthy than the ones drinking a cup of coffee? Jesus told people that were about to stone a prostitute to cast the first stone if they were without sin, and no one did because everyone has there sins/faults etc: Yet why is it thought that God would lock up the gates of the Celestial Kingdom to the coffee drinkers, smokers but not the sugar addicts?

3. Regarding families being sealed? God blessed us with two beautiful daughters. We raised them well. We never heard of the church when they were growing up. It is hard to imagine a loving creator God opening the Celestial Kingdom gates to "worthy" parents yet not allowing the children that he blessed them with to be with them. And in the same note, it would be hard to imagine this and yet allowing the ancestors admission even though they lived a life that was far from worthy by nay standards but they are welcome into the celestial kingdom because they were baptized after their death. This seems in just since if that is the case because people living good lives are denied entry for not being members of the church. Yet if that is the case why wouldn't people just live however they pleased, smoking, drinking, living a life of sin but still get to the celestial kingdom because someone baptized them after they died.

We have other questions but all are basically along this line. We would really love to go to church and walk out three hours later feeling uplifted, inspired and spiritually whole. We wish there was a focus on the unconditional love of God because there is no love when it's conditional. We wish we could have a lot of lesson time about the miraculous healings that Jesus performed and instructed his followers to perform also. And we wish most of all that the concentration of our church teachings was in how to live the fullness of joy not simply endure to the end. In other words, learning to live and not simply preparing to die.

Again this is in no way meant to challenge or offend anyone. We respect everyone's beliefs, both LDS members and non members.

I hope some come here and share their perspective. Please don't judge us because we have questions or see things differently.

Sarah

[A member New here with questions]

I have been reading this forum and I hope it is a place where I can have conversation with others. I am a member of the church and would love to be able to interact and talk to other members and non members alike and maybe discuss a few things or be able to ask questions without being judged. Thanks for adding me. Sarah :)