I want to first let you folks know that while I am no longer a member of the church, I am writing from a place of humility and respect. I want to share parts of my story and the path I’ve chosen to possibly present a different perspective than some of the others I’ve heard.
I have a slightly atypical narrative for a transgender girl. My childhood wasn’t spent dressing up, or preferring “feminine” activities. I always did and do to this day enjoy a wide range of gendered activities, from hiking (I loved boy scouts), to ballet. I say this to discredit the idea that transgender people are produced through improper socialization or are always motivated primarily by the desire to fulfill a role that their assigned gender disallows them (i.e. wanting to wear a dress or be a home maker). While aspects of both genders appeal to me, I don’t attribute this to transgenderism and don’t feel it wholly unusual. The true nature of the dysphoria I felt is difficult to describe (as the cause of homosexuality is, or even of usual gender alignment). Even amid my socialization as a young man, I recognized that I was experiencing things as a female. I will not pretend to know what this feels like to other females, but my gendered experience has come from a place that was wired to expect a female puberty and in the very least was in no way male.
While I admire Nat’s ability to come to terms with a similar condition, in the reality I live in I would be disrespecting the sacredness of both female and male assigned roles by marrying in the temple or taking on a priesthood role. To live as a male, for me, would be unauthentic and unhealthy to myself and those around me. While I never went on a mission (I’m 18) I served as a senior portal leader, I held a position as bishops first assistant, and courted many young women in my stake. My self-image began to corrode as I lived lie upon lie. Lies not only about my desires, but about my reality. I was never the honorable young man fulfilling his rightful role, or the chivalrous male date that young women deserve, I was a girl that was very very good at pretending to be. The weight of these lies combined with a puberty I couldn’t control, turned me into a very negative person. I was self-destructive, attempting suicide multiple times. I was dysfunctional, too absorbed in my own pain to fulfill my callings. I was unloving, blaming friends and family for my own dilemma. I honestly was nihilistic enough to accept the lowest outcomes for myself in this life and the next. I prayed and struggled, but it is key to understand that I considered my female identity to be true and eternal. I don’t feel any amount of struggle could or should change that.
By contrast, I can again treat those around me with civility and true affection. My life has filled with love for myself and everyone around me. I’m starting hormone therapy and am living full time as a female. All my relationships are authentic and I am becoming very comfortable and healthy spiritually. Looking at the world around me, I feel equipped to spread good will and love; whereas before I could barely get out of bed.
While there is more love in my life, I am slightly confused by anyone who assumes that I took an easy way out, as Nat seemed to suggest. While I don’t want to discredit his experience and I imagine that he took the path that was right for him, he does not speak for my own; nor I for anyone else’s. My life since deciding to transition has been better, but never easier. I struggle every day to affirm the core of my identity, to overcome institutional discrimination and to fight of a myriad of fears. I don’t pretend to know what a mission or marriage in the temple is like, but it’s a bit hurtful to hear the struggle I choice trivialized as “the easier path”. I plan to raise a family some day and continue to live with principals of love and service. I owe the rekindling of these plans to my transition.
I share these thoughts not to cause contention, but to point out how individual these matters are. I came here out of curiosity and I must say I am very impressed by the acceptance and tenderness so many of you treat the issue with. I really respect all of you for discussing trans issues with such an open heart. I wish you all joy and love through whatever peaceful means it comes.
