ldswithgreeneyes
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Posts posted by ldswithgreeneyes
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Follow some of the advice here or hire a housekeeper.
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I think the problem here is that women are more often "single and not looking right now," and men generally assume that's the case. That, and it's sometimes hard to know if a woman is interested or just being nice.
Really? Unless the woman just got out of a relationship (particularly a bad one), why would you assume she does not want to be coupled? I liked being part of a happy couple. I like taking care of someone. I liked being a wife. Interesting....
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Thank you all! It truly warms my heart reading your advice and your prayers are the best!. To answer some questions, Abusive meant.. him pushing me onto the floor, pulling my hair, pushing me out the door, choking me once, breaking things in front of me. Me... I broke a glass when I was scared.. I guess that's a dumb way of reacting. I sometimes would be bruised in my arms and legs and when people would ask, Id make up a lie.
He has NOT done that again. But can be verbally abusive. I feel like respect is gone. I feel distant. I guess because I have not felt safe in a long time.
I know he is new to the church, but I "babysit" him by asking him to wear appropriate clothing to church or to attend to church. He is not supportive of me taking some institute classes that I was advised by my bishop to attend. He says it's a waste of time that I could be using to attend regular school.
I miss a joyous relationship. I don't think one is happy EVERY TIME OF DAY, but I wish I could be happy at least one moment of everyday. I used to have that.
Um, yeah, you need to get out. Like yesterday!
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Why do you think this? Somewhere out there is a guy that's looking for you. Speaking as a 36 year old divorced man who converted during the divorce, I can say for sure that it's just as hard for guys to remember to keep looking until you find the right one, no matter how slim the pickings may seem.
That said, no matter how hard it is to find even one, don't fall into the trap of just grabbing the first one that comes along. Stick to the old advice of not taking a mate you think you can live with, but only one you don't want to think about living without. I wish I had done that.
Honestly, I think it is easier for men. I do. I feel women are more apt to feel open to dating a single man than the other way around.
I can see where you are coming from on hooking up with the first guy that comes along. I am very, very careful as to who I bring into my children's lives..so that is not an issue.
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Why in the world would going to a baptism "remind" you that you are currently single.? (Sorry, I am not going to join you in the pity party that the words you used paint). A baptism is a joyous occasion and the focus should be on the person being baptised and whether you are single or not has nothing to do with anything.
You will only feel "awful" if you choose to make a baptism into an occasion to feel sorry for yourself. It's not about you.
It could have been any church event really. It just happened to be a baptism. Thank you so much for your sage advice. I know precisely where to file it.
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Go out where? Just out to live my life or somewhere specific? I do try to be positive and cheerful. It just gets hard. It's hard to be all bubbly and happy when you are hurting inside.I think you should go out anyway and be as positive as you can. Literally minutes after my friend's mom gave her a pep talk that she just needed to go out and meet people, she met her second husband. She only left her house because her mom told her to.
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What are you doing to find an appropriate mate? Do you go to singles' activities? Use (LDS) dating sites? Is word out that you're looking?
If you want what you're doing to change, you have to change what you're doing. :)
I am going to ask about singles' activities. I do know that there is an active midsingles ward but it is an hour away. I will try it but need to know logisitics (when and where it meets,etc)
I will not use the internet. I have children and need to be safe. You don't have the sa me security that dating by introduction brings.
I have let friends and family know I am looking but their pat answers are "We know no available men" and that might just be the case, kwim?
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Oh Angie,
Being divorced at 21 is nothing to worry about. It's much harder to remarry once kids are involved. There are plenty of worthy, righteous young men who would be willing to marry you, take care of you, cherish you, and enjoy you forever! You !
Listen to lemonherb!!! I can tell you that once you are older and have kids it is hard. I am 38 and people still think of me as "young". I love my children and will never be ashamed of them, but it is so hard to find a good man. I am at the age where males my age are a)married b) married but cheating(happens all the time) or c) gay. It really fails. It might be too late for me but it is not too late for you. Talk to your Bishop!!! I will pray for you.
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Leave now. You are still young and don't have baggage. At your young age, there is still hope. Do it now before you lose your nerve and become pregnant. Just run.
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I heard it varies from mission to mission. Depends on what the MP dictatesI wrote to a former missionary of mine and he wrote back. I also wrote a nice letter to his family and they wrote a nice one back to me. Stick with a letter from you and your family and stick to a simple message..like "Hi.How are you? Can you use specific prayers?' That sort of thing.
Use the next nine months to build yourself up..it will make you a better person and, perhaps, a better girlfriend to this elder or a better girlfriend for someone you find down the road.
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I am having a bad day..well, actually a bad week..and am trying to feel better. I will get to the point. I am 38, mother of two wonferful girls and I am lonely. I have been divorced for four years and it is heartbreaking living in a coupled world.
I go to church every week and tears fill my eyes. Why? Because I see how much my ward's husbands love their wives and I am alone. I try to stay positive and participate and stre ngthen my testimony ..but today for example..there is a baptism in a few hours. I promised to make cookies and so I am going to show up for it..but you know what? I really don't want to go. Yes, I'm thrilled for the new member but why go and feel awful? Why go and be reminded that no man wants me and likely never will?
Don't get me wrong. I love the Church. I love my faith. I would rather have it than not. I just don't know what to do...
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This situation sounds very similar to what happened to someone I know...
He was on his mission and met a woman around your age, who also had children. I think the difference here, however, is that she was more interested in him than in the church. She didn't have a strong testimony, but played the game, and he bought into it. After he finished serving, she "coincidentally" moved to the same state as him and they started to spend more time together. Eventually she persuaded him to move in with her and he got her pregnant and was inactive in the church for awhile. They did eventually get married. Last I heard, he has started coming back to church with their daughter. Not sure if they are still together.
This is an example of a situation that went badly (though I am very happy that he is going to church again and turning his life back around). I'm not saying that your situation would be the same if you pursued it, because you seem to have a strong testimony. But you also have no idea how he would feel about it. In all likelihood, he hasn't thought of you in that way at all. Missionaries love the people they teach and usually grow very close (it's so touching when I hear my husband speak so warmly about the people he taught on his mission) but that love is usually not romantic.
I would do your best to put these feelings out of your mind while he's still on his mission. Stay close to Heavenly Father and pray often. Fast for guidance. Then, after his mission, if you're still feeling this way, it might be worth contacting him again. Each situation is unique! So the important thing is to live a righteous life and be open to the spirit.
Having spoken to IRL friends who have completed missions, I have heard about the spiritual love(for lack of a better phrase) that the missionaries have for their investigators. I also realize that the chances of him feeling any special sort of way about me are pretty close to nil. But remember..I am not saying that I am desperately in love with him either. I scarcely know him. I do think he is special but that is a far cry from " Let's get married!" LOL.
I am sorry about your misssionary friend. Unlike the lady who pursued him, I would not be able to pick and move as easily..and even if I could, I would not. That is not my style.
I just do the best I can....attending meetings..participating..praying that Heavenly Father helps me in being in the right place and the right time so that I can find a righteous man to love me. It's been awhile:rolleyes:
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Age differences can be acceptable. But you are talking about someone half your age. To me, that is a red flag. Why would a woman be interested in someone half her age? Someone who is still more of a boy than he is a man. Someone who is young enough to be your son.
And then you must consider the age(s) at the time of the relationship. It is one thing to have (for example) a 25 year old and a 35 year old in a relationship, quite another if those ages are 15 and 25. Do you really think a 20 year old is going to be attracted to someone old enough to be his mother?
As for consenting adults....just because two people are of age and 'consent' to something, doesn't make that something appropriate or right, so that argument really isn't even relevant.
You clearly think yourself superior due to your age. You don't have to be thirty-something with kids to offer any - or even all - of the attributes you mentioned. There are women who can offer all of that...without the baggage of children....and can also offer youth.
You have a crush on someone who is inappropriate for you. But you don't want to hear that. You want your wishes validated and you want to believe you are somehow "better" for this young man than women his own age.
Perhaps I am naive, but one thing I never expected to encounter cougars when I joined the church!
A few more things...I've said a couple of times now that I get why a missionary in particular is off limits. I understand why having feelings one for is wrong. And, frankly, I think I can do better... So I don't know why people keep bringing it up.
As far as the age thing goes...well, I guess we will agree to disagree. I have to ask..would you be so up in arms if the genders were reversed?
I don't think I am superior but I am not going to run and hide in a corner because I am a single mother. I know this is what some expect people in my situation to do. We *all* have value.
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I agree with everyone else about reaching out and trying to connect with others. When do you start school? That is sure to be a distraction.
I might also gently suggest that you get into counseling and, if your depression worsens, to consider an antidepressant. Counseling and using meds might improve the quality of your life. It does not hurt to seek the advice of a trained professional about this..
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I am inline with Dravin,
I remember, when single, kneeling and asking the Lord concerning marriage and this is the answer I received, "In my due time it will come, in the meantime, be watchful, be prayerful, and be happy."
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OP-I am sorry you are sad. I feel that is human nature to want to be loved, and I don't blame you for your sadness. I have been there too and have worked hard to leave the sadness behind me...or to at least put it away.
I think Anddenex is right on about "being happy" We choose happiness. Single or married. This is not to say you should not aspire to a relationship. When you get to a certain age, the love of your life isn't going to come to you...you sometimes have to search..not in desperation but in being a little more proactive than, say, in your 20s where social opportunites are at their height...
And yes..many women may not want someone in your situation. I've been there, done that on the other side. Just keep trying. Don't quit...
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Thank you for all of the posts. I am new to the Church and new to its culture and I am trying to find my way.
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Say that you do love this boy. You'd be asking him for a life dealing with stepchildren and an ex-husband from a young age, possibly having one and MAYBE two children of his own, a wife who will be dealing with age and all that comes along with it much earlier than he does, your insecurity when he is in his prime and you are looking much older, possibly caring for you when he would otherwise be enjoying some of his best years, losing you long before he is aged, not to mention the talking and whispering about the two of you everywhere you go. Is that the life you wish for him?
I wish for anyone the life that Heavenly Father leads him to live. I don't know. When you put it like that, it sounds like a nightmare. But you are not being fair in your assessment. I can't speak for all ladies my age but many thirtysomething single mothers offer kindness, warmth, the opportunity to selflessly love and nurture children, career stability, experience of all kinds and a resilience and strength not found in their younger counterparts. As a single mother, I have to be secure with myself and have confidence. I never would have made it this far without it. As far as worrying about people "whispering" about me, yes, maybe I worried about that back in high school. But I'm an adult and I can't be worried about that today. I have too much on my plate. As I have said before, as long as everyone is consenting and an adult, then it is between the two of them and everyone with an opinion can go pound sand. I am firm in what I want because I have tried other things and they do not work. Heavenly Father has blessed me and despite my drawbacks, I do feel that I have something to offer a man. Which man is up to Heavenly Father, me and the man.
So I think that while we all agree that missionaries should be left to focus on their work, we will have to agree to disagree on whether or not age differences in relationships are acceptable or not.
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Well no. Because cougars are women. I'd call them something else. What's the male version of cougar? Sugar daddy?
But, kidding aside. There's a big difference between an older male and an older female. Males can have children when they're 70. Females can't.
But even without that, 38yo male to 20yo female... age gap is going to be a challenge.
Well, more and more women are having child in their late 30s and 40s. And it seems to work. A few months ago I had some, ahem, female trouble and had to get a scan done of my ovaries..sorry if TMI...anyway, the tech cheerfully told me I had "eggs releasing like crazy". In other words, I could get pregnant if in the position to do so.
I have been hearing that 40 is the new 30 and with scientific advances, I believe this more and more...
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I can understand that....marriage *is* tough:(I sure would. There would be so many gaps in experience, culture, etc. that I think it would be very difficult to have an equal, healthy relationship. If my daughter or son dated someone twice their age, I would have serious concerns. I know some people can make it work (I believe Bini's husband is much older than her), but I think marriage is hard enough that I would encourage them to avoid such a difference in age.
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As a convert, I understand that dating in the LDS world is a bit different than in secular situations. Obviously, there is no sex before marriage. So a few questions
1) Does dating move quickly into marriage..or at least a proposal?
2) Do men take the lead on dates as in asking, planning and paying?
3) How do dates end? I ask because I have read that sometimes an LDS man will offer a handshake when he really wants to jump on you(sorry for the poor phrasing)? I am just trying to decipher what actions may come...
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Missionaries aside and talking about the "real world". Would you say the same thing if a 38 year old man wanted to date a 20 year old woman? Again, talking about the world in generalI guess if you don't mind a kid young enough to be your son and he doesn't mind a cougar, best of luck. . .
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Here is my opinion. I was married for eight years and my ex husband was awful to be about my weight. Absolutely awful. I have a curvy body (read big boobs which most men tend to enjoy) and am tall so I carry my weight well..but I could lose about 20-30 lbs. Sort of in the middle. Overweight but not 500 lbs either. The way ex carried on I was the heaviest woman in the world.
Men like this never change. I guarantee...you can lose the weight but then there will be something else..there always is. My honest advice? Let him go.
I believe you deserve more and I believe that Heavenly Father wants more for you. Let him go and let him do "better" (at least in his eyes).
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Thank you to everyone who responded. I can honestly say that I found value in each response...a few things..
1) A lot of people buy into the stereotype that every single mother is looking for a father for her children. Well, my kids already have a dad. He was a lousy husband to me but is a good father to the children...go figure. So while a great husband and loving stepfather is needed here, I am not desperately seeing a father figure for them per se.
2) As I mentioned before, I would never act on these feelings while he is on a mission. No way! I have spoken to former missionaries IRL and they reiterated what some of you had to say about how what they are like during the mission vs what they are like before and after, how people appreciate them because of their dedication and whatnot...It is easy to see how feelings can develop. They are helping people grow in the Gospel and perhaps these investigators(along with Ward members) take the place of the missionaries' family and friends for a short time and gives them comfort in that respect. It is a nurturing relationship for all. Like I said before, I respect the missionaries and what they are trying to do.
3) Someone mentioned..sorry, I forget who...that I should "work on myself". Honestly, I had to laugh. OOoookkkk...let me see, I work full time, attend church and RS meetings, go to school, raise my children, volunteer in their school, manage to slap on some makeup and cute clothes and do my hair everyday..what else can I be doing? Believe me, if anyone else knows how else I could improve, do let me know!:)
4) Finding "more suitable" men..I live in an area where people are mostly married. It is not like I live in a pool of unmarried, righteous men right there for the taking:/ There are no single men in my ward. The midsingles Ward is an hour away..I am looking into that very soon.
5) The age difference..well, I dunno. Lots of couples with age differences make it. As long as everyone is an adult and is consenting, then I see no issue with it. One thing I have found is that Mormons come across a bit mature as the average bear.
Anyway, thank you for all of your advice:)
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Thanks for the post Beefche. Would you please pray that Heavenly Father sends a good man my way? Thanks
Starting to care about missionary...
in Marriage and Relationship Advice
Posted
Wow...I have never heard that before. How original...