Hi TumbledQuartz, I wanted to say that reading through these pages has let me change my perspective somewhat. I'll admit that I've only been physically attracted to women whose bodies show the effects of frequent exercise (and who are nice, and smart, and spiritual, and love children--these are all also important to my brain)... but as for which sisters in my ward I think I could have a happy marriage with, that number would be higher! At only 21 and merely engaged, I don't have the experience of many of the senior members here, and it sounds like you got the answer to your original question... so I don't know if what I say will be all that helpful? But say it I will. Thinking about your husband saying he desired a wife who was 50 pounds lighter made me almost worried about him fantasizing about a woman who wasn't you. But then reading on and considering how people can gain weight and quite certainly stay the same eternal being as they were earlier, I suppose that should go both ways. As your husband has seen you 50 pounds lighter (yes?) when you were younger, then he should be interested in a future you and not one of those "trophy wives." I would make sure to be clear with your husband that he is not fascinated with the idea of a woman that you're not going to be. If he is interested in your face on a slimmer version of your body... then your goal is at least feasible? Not everybody here is taking your husband's word at face value (that his attitude will change after you lose weight), but it sounds like you'll need faith in his dedication if you're going to make this marriage a happy one? (May I say, I really admire your faith in your husband! You being able to find so many positive traits in your husband, when he's said negative things about you, and committed sins against your marriage... Tumbled, you are a true woman of faith, and a covenant keeper!) I'm of the opinion that if you and your husband want to get you to lose weight, then it needs to be a group effort. If he's let himself go while you got yourself doing 5k's last year, then maybe he's really not going to enjoy exercising at first, but with effort he could build that back. I think if he expects you to exercise a lot then he should be willing to root you on and keep you company for your exercise, at least? I suppose you could also get a friend to go with you (or a pet maybe), but as he is the one asking for this it only seems reasonable that he be willing to help (at least with watching the kids, I guess?). I'm not sure that is the whole truth for the reason your husband doesn't want to go to the gym. (He didn't want to see the women at church or social functions because he doesn't want to see the wives these men have? But if it helps your husband avoid temptation or pornography, then I suppose it's what he needs to do.) If he doesn't like the gym, and you don't either, then maybe just avoiding it is the best bet. That said, if you were to go together and ride stationary bikes or do some light strength training or swim in the pool, I'd have to hope that he can keep his eyes on the right woman? At the gyms I've been to, I would be more concerned (if I was a woman) to see too much of the many muscular men (I came across a great Ensign article earlier today, so I thought I would share it!) While I've been doing a lot of exercise to drop weight for an upcoming wedding I think the only reason that it is working for me is that I've been able to control my diet this summer, as I am in charge of all my own food shopping. If I have snacks around I tend to graze on them when I'm bored or stressed (i.e. always), so I've basically stopped buying them. (You've obviously had a lot of experience with trying to lose weight, so I'm not assuming that this applies to you.) But can you limit those types of purchases at the store? I'm not talking about forcing your entire family onto a rabbit food diet... but can you control the level of junk food in your home? If your husband wants you to lose weight, he better be willing to eat whole wheat pasta for dinner, and not tempt you with huge plates of nachos, and not suggest too many trips to get fast food, etc. (I've also never had to purchase food for kids and a spouse, so please forgive me if I'm simplifying this! When I was a kid I sure demanded we buy as many tasty things as possible when we went shopping!) I'm feel optimistic about your chances, but hey, it seems that you are too :) I try to have a lot of faith in marriage working out. As for what is hardest on kids... for me my parents obviously had a lot of disagreements, because they divorced shortly after I moved out to college ...I am grateful that they mostly kept it to themselves--mostly: one argument that was had (literally over me) about whether physical punishment was appropriate or not... as a kid, it's really easy to blame yourself over your parents' decision to split? But if your husband is as good a dad as you say, then I hope you can show just love for each other in front of your children :) Whether your weight loss effort succeeds, or you try to convince your husband that it is worth staying around for the wonderful, beautiful women that he already has, it is ultimately going to come down to him. Even with only getting one side of the story, it sure doesn't sound like the blame is split 50-50! He says that he values the righteous women that he would see at church, and he is going to need to be very righteous to overcome his struggles. I really hope that this journey is able to help both of you grow closer! Good luck!
