magicmormon

This is unfortunately true. I wish it wasn't, but that is why this problem is spreading like a plague. I try to warn others before it becomes a problem, but usually it's too late. You don't realize it's a problem till you try to stop.

I get it. Your marriage is more important to you than having your needs met. You've settled for less. Thank you for your advice, hopefully I dont have to settle for less. If I am put in that situation it may be my best alternative. Btw, i too am disgusted by pornography. It is filthy, ugly, and sickening. If i wasnt addicted i'd be nowhere near it ever.

This was the first thing I read this morning. It was nice to wake up and read something inspirational. Btw, my wife still hasnt filed for divorce. I thought for sure that she would file within this last week. It was a perfect time for her to do it if she wanted. I am trying to come up with ways to woo her in the most difficult circumstances. Instead of cutting her off financially, I want to pay all the bills and send a check for as much as i can afford so that she and my daughter have more than enough for thier needs. I make sure to be cordial and humble around my mother in law. I go on walks with her when i get an oppotunity to see my daughter. I share my insights, spiritual thoughts, and I express to her what I wish would happen. I cant and dont ask her to convey any messages to my wife, but I am aware that my wife will learn much of what i express to her mother. Hopefully she shares nice things about me, she is in a position to cripple and destroy my relationship completely if she desired. I can only remain patient and take life one step at a time. Does anyone have any ideas about what else I could do to woo her without breaking the law?

My sponsor talked about Alma the younger the other night. I'm not sure I want to go through what he went through. Instead of being racked with his sins piece by piece over a length of time , he experienced all the pain at once. It must have been a terribly awful thing to experience before he was forgiven. We all pay a price, but it is just a small reminder the pain we caused our savior and what he felt for us during the atonement. I am only beginning to understand that pain through longsuffering. My relationship with my savior needs work.

I see nothing wrong with having a healthy sexual desire. God put it there for a reason, I won't be asking him to neuter me in any way. Misusing that desire by consuming pornography and masturbating are the problem. I ask God to change my desires to his desires. Maybe that's what you meant by giving up your sexual desires and I was just reading to much into it. Anyways, it is a process that is painful and slow, but where there is great effort, there are great rewards. Anything worth doing in life isn't easy.

Your focus is a little narrow. the marriage is not over, she hasn't yet filed divorce papers. I am not supposed to divorce her. I agree, my daughter needs her father. I believe I should be allowed back into my home. I don't expect it to happen soon or even at all. I can still cling to hope. These are the people and things I care about and I want to earn that trust again. For now I am just focused on changing what I can change and accepting the things I cannot. As for killing my desire for sex. I'm not sure that is wise. Abstinence is not sobriety. Sex wasn't what's wrong with me. My desire to lust is the problem. I have a 12 step program that will guide me to overcome that. God will remove that desire from my heart as I become more and more committed to doing his will. I have already begun to have a change of heart, but it may be years or even th rest of my life before that desire completely vanishes. Getting to a point where I am maintaining sobriety is my goal. It's all about choosing to remain humble, thankful, and reliant on God. It's a life long process for all of us.

Amen.

Badwolf, just curious, but you got your PhD in psychology focusing on spousal abuse from where?... All joking aside what is the difference between a true abuser and someone who has just reacted poorly in a few situations? They are both going to make the scenario seem downplayed. They are both going to deny being abusive. The only difference is one of them is telling the truth. While the other is in denial. Either way the atonement can and will solve the problem, not divorce. Thanks for your comments and your right about one thing, I'm not going to listen to them. you are welcome to move along now that you've wasted your breath here.

True. But it only takes one to turn a marriage around. If one person changes, the dynamics of the marriage change and that can be the starting point.

I used to say I'd leave if my marriage ever became loveless or sexless. But I've found that I can endure a lot more pain than that with gods help. Without him, I am very weak. It is remarkable how much we can withstand if our hearts and desires are to do gods will. he currently wants me to stay in my marriage despite the hardship, so I stay. I have changed a lot in the last 2 months, but there is still a long way to go. I think heavenly father would have most of us stay where many of us assume it is better to leave. we assume marriage is supposed to be sunshine and happiness, but forget that it is also for our eternal perfection. It challenges us is in ways we never could comprehend when we clasped hands at the altar. It is one of lives biggest challenges and blessings. In my opinion, divorce should be used in the most extreme cases only. Everywhere else forgiveness,, repentance, patience, and the atonement is the solution

I want to say, i dont expect my wife to stay by my side. I can only hope she will. I will always be thankful for her influence in my life. She has always inspired me to be a better man. As far as your thoughts on abuse... I agree with you. People make mistakes and it doesnt mean they are automatically abusive. Which is why i say im not an abusive person. I never did anything to purposely hurt my wife. Ive reacted poorly in tough situations in the past and im feeling the consequences now.

Im so sorry for your loss. Good to hear you are remarried and enjoying those blessings again.

You mentioned you've been where i am. How did things work out for you?

Thats great advice. I plan on taking it.

i agree that it didnt send a positive message and i also agree she assumed it would eventually become physical. You have to remember that i didnt repeat the behavior and she spent two more months in the house with me. she had claimed to have forgiven me for that offense, but appararantly she couldnt let it go so easily. I can understand if she did this initially. But it hurt alot to be blindsided and betrayed two months later. Sorry if i dont always sound repentant. I still have a lot of painful emotions and tender feelings concerning this order of protection and some of the posts are blindly judgemental instead of sympathetic, encouraging, and uplifting. I will explain what i can as i see it. Ive done much wrong, but ive also done much right. I could start a whole new thread about the wonderful things ive done for my wife. This thread has been mostly negative, so i suppose i shouldnt be so annoyed by several negative comments. We reap what we sow. I am in a sinking boat of my own making. the only one that can save me is God and that is true for anyone. Control over your life is an illusion satan uses to keep us from relying on God. I have learned by sad experience that Gods ways are not my ways. Relying on him to take care of my needs is not easy.

Congratulations to you both. I notice you didnt mention anything about criticism or having any of your thoughts ridiculed or belittled in any way. The point is that mild emotional abuse is very very common. I think just about everyone is guilty of being critical at some point. That is the only kind of abuse i am guilty of. Not saying it is ok, im saying beware your judgemental comments and stop making moutains out of mole hills. Btw, i dont yell at my wife either. The ultimatums were a last resort because i was so tired of waiting for a response. I ended up swallowing my pride on every one too. I repented of each offense.

I like the journal advice and I need to be better at making regular entries. I've already got to many things to write about as it is though... lol. I write down everything. I don't keep a normal journal. I write out spiritual thoughts when they come to me. I write letters of apologies and forgiveness. I write about everything. Ive avoided many arguments and potentially hot situations, because I decided to write my feelings out and then edit and censor the paper after I had time to cool down. It is also very theraputic when you feel temptation to act out on addictive behavior. Unfortunately my wife has used some of my letter against me and not everything I've written was revelation or spiritual. It's easy enough to figure out the difference though.

Just to be clear. I declined the happy ending. I wasn't even aroused.

My lawyer said I'd lose because a hole in the wall constitutes domestic violence.... and the judges are extremely liberal. My lawyer also said he believes I'm not a threat to my wife and I could win, but it wasn't likely. Ever had an argument with your wife and you didn't agree with what she said, so you said, well that's just rediculous or perposterous! Or anything like this statement? You ever criticized your wife for anything? You ever yelled or raised your voice towards her? You ever threaten an ultimatum because she refused to cooperate or reach some kind of comprimse? Those all constitute emotional abuse. Most spouses, men and women are guilty of doing one or more of those things, especially when an argument arises. I'm not guilty of any sick and demented emotional abuse like sticking a gun to her head and saying stuff like "you'll love me or I'll blow your brains out" Mountains and mole hills... learn the difference.

Well, actaully it's a little of both and niether. At first I thought she did this to be malicious and mean. But I know she isn't that kind of person. I realize now she did this out of fear and frustration. I am not an abusive individual and I certainly don't deserve to be kicked out of my own home. I wouldn't ever hurt her and I've never threatened to hurt her. I have been pushy and disrespectful at times. Anyone who cares about something that much can get that way from time to time. I care about our family and I just want to start rebuilding trust and intimacy and love, but she isn't sure if she is even wants to remain married. She won't communicate with me at all sometimes, which further frustrates me. Even with this frustration, I have kept a cool head and tried to remain positive and supportive, it has been on a few occasions (several months ago now) that I reacted with anger and it was those occasions that caused her to start fantasizing about how dangerous I could become. The reality is that I am not dangerous at all to her or my daughter, but she has dwelt on and replayed those imagined, but scary scenarios in her head many times. They are worst case scenario "what if's" . all in all, it's very complicated. Combine imagined "what if" scenarios with ultimatum to make her mother leave and a few weeks later an ultimatum to commit or divorce and she finally reached her limit. I had been pushing to hard for a commitment. After this happened I was finally able to let go of all my expectations for her. If she gives me the chance, I'm going to back off a lot and just give her the space and time she needs to make a decision she can live with. Even if she doesn't give me the chance, I won't divorce her, it will be her decision to make. I hope for the best.

Of course you hear a lot of my opions, this is my post after all. What about her? I have offered her everything she has ever told me she wanted. I have never abused her physically. I am guilty of critisim and some mild forms of emotional abuse, but who isnt? I already know what you are going to say about the adultry, but I am hardly guilty of having sex with another woman. The bishop would have ex-communicated me or at least disfellowshipped me if that was the case. Don't make mountains out of mole-hills. The addiction is a serious offense, but she never caught me, I told her about it. I never introduced anything from the stuff I viewed into our bedroom. I've never treated her lewdly. I have always strived to keep our sex life sensual, romantic, and intimate... it was never an issue until she didn't like me anymore and decided she wasn't in love with me anymore. For the most part, it was my problem before marriage and I kept it my problem throughout the marriage. I didn't realize I was addicted. I didn't realize what I needed to overcome it. I just kept telling myself I needed to try harder. I never stopped working on it, I just didn't have the right tools to overcome it. The massage therapist event was a singular event that occured in a moment of deep pain. It has been over 3 months since I got so much as a pat on the back or hug from my wife, let alone intimate kissing, massages or sex. I have been dealing with feelings of lonliness, rejection, & depression. Then she kicked me out and it felt like the ultimate betrayal because Im not a violent or dangerous person. It was in this place that I sought out a massage. I only wanted to enjoy the touch of tender hands again. A massage sounded nice, but I got more than I bargained for and didn't have the courage to get out of the situation. It was wrong. I feel terrible about it. It was a new level of infidelity. Was it adultry? No. and I never said I deserve anything, I actually said the opposite. I am so thankfull that my wife hasn't filed divorce papers yet. She is a wonderful woman that has been trying, just trying to get up each day and take care of herself. She said she forgives me and cares about me. We even get along fine. The marital strife isn't over my addiction. It has been over commitment to our marriage. I haven't told her she has to stay with me, I just wanted a decision. I waited for 3 months for her to make a decision. I finally got fed up and told her if she wouldn't commit then I'd just divorce her. I started filling out the paperwork, but I got an answer from God that I wasn't supposed to be doing that, so I swallowed my pride and let it go. Before she knew I had let it go she decided she didn't feel safe with me in the house any more because of my pushy ultimatums. That's what brought me to this point in my life. I am proud of her for finally making a decision, but I am disappointed because it was the wrong one. I would have understood being served with divorce papers. I would have understood a lock on her bedroom door to feel safer (not that I ever violated her privacy or threatened anything of that nature) but if she didn't feel safe, there were other choices she could make. I don't understand the order of protection though. It hurts us financially and it keeps me away from my daughter (I'm still allowed to see her, just have to make arrangements). It makes life more complicated that it needs to be. anyways, my point being, it's not so cut and dry as Addiction, Abuse, and Adultry.

It appears people think I have been misleading or abusive to cause her to file this order of protection. I have never physically harmed, or verbally threatened my wife in any way. I find violence sickening. I was actually blindsided by her decision to get the order of protection. I am not an angry person either. The only reason she was able to file an order of protection against me was because I put a small hole in the wall and also broke my cell phone from chucking it across the room one evening after a long and frustrating argument. She wasn't even in the room with me when I did it. The cops were never called either. She continued to live with me for 2 more months without a single repeated incident, but you can use stuff for up to an entire year before. The laws in our country are really messed up to give a wife so much power.

Bolded and fixed. I do understand that I have put her through a great deal. I hope you realize that this addiction doesn't define who I am. There is much more to me than this one problem. As far as this one part of me that is unworthy of her, I want to change that and God is helping me. Fearing and doubting a persons ability to change is really just fearing and doubting God's ability to work miracles. Divorce is not an answer, it can be a way out, but it always creates new problems. Some of which can last for generations. Divorce disgusts me as much as pornography and sometimes more.

Update on the massage problem. Still havent been able to report to the wife. The bishop decided to hold on to my temple recommend for a while and use it as a way to motivate me to keep living righteously. No other disciplinary action is going to be taken.

Your observation is quite correct. I do believe that she shouldnt leave me. Do you believe she ought to leave me? I don't believe any man or woman should leave their spouse when they are doing thier best in regards to thier problems, especially when one gets married knowing about those problems before hand. No matter who you marry, you will have to endure some tests and trials that will make you into the man or woman God intends you to be before you enter into his kingdom. Why divorce and start over? especially since she knows I'm commited to her and to God. If you say that some trials are just too hard to bear, I believe there is a scripture that says God won't test us beyond what we are capable of handling... I used to think I wouldn't be able to endure a trial like what I am experiencing now, but with Heavenly fathers help I have managed to handle it moment to moment, breath to breath. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but I have been uplifted and supported in those times. As long as I continue to commit to live righteously, God will bless me and things will work out for the best. As far as leaving a lot out about why my wife doesn't love me anymore, well she doesn't really know why and frankly neither do I. I can only assume that it was neglect on both ends. Lust addiction played it's part, but I think my ADD played a large role as well. I am on meds for the ADD now and have seen great results. I have been making or working on all the changes my wife has asked me to accomplish. She has even admitted how far I've come. Unfortunately she doesn't know if she wants to commit to the marriage or not and it has been a rift between us. I kept pushing for commitment, while she would just scooting away further. I've been pushy and disrespectful at times because I felt entitled that she should be behaving a certain way. There has been a cycle of entitlement and expectations that I've had to let go of, but before I could let go I kept making ulitmatums and such. With each cycle she would move further away and a new cycle would begin before she could heal from the previous one, so it is a downward spiral. My new attitude is that my time spent with her is a gift. It has always been a gift. She owes me nothing. I am thankful for the time I was allowed to spend with her and I hope she will choose to stay with me. It took me a long time and a lot of painful humbling experiences to get to this point. Thanks for the advice. Trust and respect have been major hurdles for each of us before the order of protection was served. I hope to get another chance at changing that behavior. I will also use this time as best I can to focus on my problems. Instead of having a pity party I need to stay focused and keep moving forward.