I'm a 20yr female from Ohio and my story is really weird. I've been curious whether or not there is a forum for lds members where I can speak out anonymously and I found it today. I don't have time to proofread, so I'll apologize for my primitive writing. I've never been an active member in the church before, but I was baptized at 8. I don't feel comfortable around other members (I've never had a mormon friend) and I don't have the background and lifestyle that seems to fit perfectly with what the culture of mormons expect. I read The Book of Mormon for the first time 2 years ago, and right now I'm reading D&C. I love the gospel, but I hate how the culture of the church makes me feel so it is often difficult to withstand attending church. (especially relief society and in my earlier years, definitely young women's) I identify most with lower class or lgbt mormons.
My parents are mormon, but my mom is addicted to pain medication, has severe mental problems and didn't take care of us (they had seven kids) or the house due to her severe bipolar/depressive tendencies. (She's also a little bit of a hoarder, collecting useless junk, and worst of all, stray cats. Always anti-social, in her room or crying/yelling etc etc) We have had 6 full grown cats in our house at one point, not counting kittens that we had to give away, so when I say that the house I grew up in was/is disgusting, I mean fecal matter, trash, rotting food, holes in the walls from sibling aggression, broken doorknobs, lots of trinkets and stuff and carpet that was vacuumed only a few times a year. She didn't cook either, so we ate cereal and macaroni all the time. I tried a chicken sandwich for the first time in High School. Our walls still have crayon and food stains from when we were younger. (They don't paint) It took me leaving for college for me to realize how unsanitary that house is and how I, and all of my siblings, were severely psychologically and physically neglected throughout our childhood.
My dad knows a lot about the gospel and went on a mission when he was young, but he's had to work to support the family. It's been very stressful on him with a wife this unstable and having to pay the bills. (she's ruined her own credit and has stolen his cards, my siblings cards before) So he was just never around cause he was working or sleeping. He was shocked when I asked him in high school once what the Godhead was. He said, "Well, sure you know what that is!" None of his kids were active beside 2, and he honestly thought that we somehow knew the gospel, but none of us did. To this day, I still haven't even read the Bible. I don't really know much about what happened during Christ's life other than the sacrifice.
Now, because of this neglect, my siblings have gone in every direction from having children at 16, becoming potheads, alcoholics, (it changes all the time) and even when one of my sisters got married in the temple and was the purest, happiest example... She started having delusions and now she's suffering from severe paranoid psychosis so she has a completely new, violent and less intelligible and full-of-life personality and I feel like my real sister is gone. (My dad is showing signs too) There is a lot of mental illness in my family. I have several nephews and nieces whom I love, but some of them are showing signs of neglect (and some mild abuse) too. (bad teeth, bruises, acting out etc) I've witnessed some horrible things that I am powerless of and have been investigating social services thoroughly, but have never felt it right to call due to the gamble of further abuse. Most of what is happening is neglect, not necessarily abuse.
It's taken me a long to get through/learn from the shame of my life since I left for college. I have frequented suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager and I still struggle with it today. It's embarrassing to admit that I hadn't been taught proper hygiene.... and I did bad in school, so I'll also admit that I'm ashamed of the knowledge I don't have that everyone in a normal society does. (simple geography, times table, variety of foods etc) I feel like I'm experiencing life for the first time.
I don't follow all the commandments, but I've tried as much as I can without being an active member and I still struggle, especially with pornography. It isn't frequent enough or an addiction that goes as far at interfering with my life, but the guilt and fear I feel afterward makes me super depressed and makes it hard to pray/read for a long time. I haven't tried any drugs or alcohol, I'm still a virgin, but I do purposely drink energy drinks for the caffeine to get through work and some schooling. I downgraded to coffee 6 months ago to help wean me off of it, and it has helped me a lot. (I am now drinking decaff) But the caffeine thing feels like nothing compared to the pornography thing, so I don't feel like it's a big deal.
I've felt the spirit so much throughout my life and I can recognize it, and I have a testimony of some important basic things, but I feel so alienated to other members because my life is just so different. No member could possibly understand where I'm coming from and I become so angry at the culture of the church so often that I feel judged before I can even get to the building. I feel like I struggle most often with whether God loves me or not because of the life He's given me compared to other people, even non-members. I have a strong testimony that, no matter how awful I feel and run away from the gospel, I can't deny the truth of The Book of Mormon and that God is real.
If anyone is into the enneagram, I am a six... Security is a big deal for me. I've tried skipping relief society, and then I've tried just going to Sacrament, but nothing keeps me active. Trying this at a singles ward has been much better than a family ward, but It's sometimes hard because then looks and appearance has some clear emphasis that gets my anxieties flared. I'm really just a genderqueer, super self-conscious art student who knows really... not much about the gospel, but enough to have a testimony. I honestly feel like a struggling convert, but because I'm already baptized or my family is mormon, they hold me to certain standards and sort of turn the other cheek. And when I don't meet those standards, I'm just a 'stray' or a 'bad mormon,' whose fallen off the 'straight and narrow' when in all actuality, I've never been taught the gospel before and I'm trying to learn all on my own. This might be my own anxieties attacking myself, but my sister has been to Utah and she's had some really scary stories about their cultural standards.
Is there anyone else out there like me? Are there any members that were born into the church and feel like converts? Any converts that have been baptized, but still feel like converts? Are there any LGBT women/men in the church that have problems with dresscode or the gender roles within some of the culture? How can I become an active member given my circumstances? Could anyone provide insight on the harsh/closed off culture within some of the members of the church? How can I grow a testimony that God loves me? I don't have a strong family and I've never dated/am really scared and feel too fragile for dating. I feel hopeless and lonely a lot, but I read the scriptures and I just know that I should be going to church and meeting people.
I'm pretty desperate for insight.
