Jeffmk

I know this probably sounds stupid. Really, naive at some level. Perhaps even a bit like playing the victim card, instead of just facing facts. But, ever since I was a child I have had a fear of people. When I talk to them, I think they believe the worst of me. That they want to hurt me in some way. I have no explanation as to why I feel this way, it just seems inherent to my very nature. I can barely talk to a stranger, without feeling the need to get away from them. As though they are a danger to me. It is all so very irrational, and I do try to fight it. I just can't seem to ever beat it. I don't know if it is just genetic, perhaps something I don't recall happened. Really I am at a loss here. I realize how irrational it is, but it is always there. A sense of fear, an imagined worst case scenario where people will group up against me and try to hurt me. It has ruined my life. Does Satan deceive in such ways?

I hope I experience the same thing. While I no longer smoke tobacco, and use a much cheaper alternative it would be nice to no longer be reliant on nicotine regardless.

I'm thinking of going this Sunday, but only for the first hour. It has been a long while since I have been to the ward, and I really feel a need to connect with God as I have been going through some tough times. I would like to get my kids involved as well, but just ease our way into it. I will not partake of the sacrament itself, as I am still using nicotine. (That is how it works right?) I would stay longer, but have really bad social anxiety and don't want to have an anxiety attack later.

Just a quick note here, when I do drink I am at home. Drinking and driving is not something I consider doing, even while intoxicated. Regardless, I'm not going to drink and try to keep with the WoW. The next step is nicotine, which I am hopelessly addicted to. That one, is going to be the difficult one.

See, that is another thing I'm gonna miss. Inexpensive, and good tasting. I'm gonna give it a try though, it is gonna take a bit of time but tea, nicotine, alcohol, and everything else will eventually (hopefully) be tossed. My wife will be delighted with the nicotine being gone, probably happier that I don't drink anymore. I just don't want to push it all at once, I know myself well enough to understand my limits. At this point, I am gathering the faith, it is more of a desire that everything is true. I know how stupid that sounds, but it is just how my mind works I guess. Faith is a really strange thing to me, it is a hard concept to grasp and keep a hold of. If I were to cut everything cold turkey right now, I know my mind would rationalize an escape plan and it would all go to waste. It is strange that such a desire exists, I don't know, I just see how faith works in people, and I want to be a better person. I'm not used to talking about these sorts of things so it is pretty awkward. I wish I could be so sure as to just look at the WoW, and it would be enough for me to just quit all at once. I hope what I wrote doesn't offend anyone.

Yeah, I suppose in a way it is. But, I think by such standards eating chocolate would also be a form of self medicating. Not quite as strong, but there is definitely a boost after I have a Symphony bar With that said, I really shouldn't be defending my use of beer. It is just something I'm gonna miss, just as I would Symphony bars.

Thank you for such a great response, I had never really thought of it in such a way. I've read D&C entirely, but it seems that I always miss out on such wisdom until someone else points it out to me.

I love beer, the taste, the relaxation, the way it makes me feel really alive and in the moment. I even have taken up brewing my own beer, and enjoy the process a lot. In fact, I feel closer to God when I drink - I let go of all of the safe guards I had built over the years of being an atheist, which are quite a few. I don't consider myself an alcoholic because I don't drink in excess, usually it will be three to six beers once a week. That is the problem though, I don't see any negative impact it is having on my life. I become incredibly nice, loving, considerate, and the such while slightly inebriated. I don't rely on it, to ease depression, frustration, etc.. it is simply there to relax, unwind, and enjoy myself in the safety of my home. So, as you can see this is really a difficult thing for me to let go of. If it were not for the WoW, I would see no point in giving it up entirely. I know that liquor destroys lives, if it is abused and used to self medicate, and I know a lot of the negative consequences of health it can have for those who over use it. I dunno guys, I feel guilty about it though. Perhaps I am using it as a crutch, and further down the road I will be strong enough in faith to have the same experience without drinking my way there. Saying that makes me feel like an alcoholic now, lol. I just really enjoy the feeling. Does God ever use sinful things, such as alcohol to draw people closer to Him? Are any of you former drinkers, or have experience with people that converted and gave up drinking? What ultimately worked for you or them?

I don't really know where to place myself in the grand scheme of things. I like reading the Book of Mormon, watching BYUTV, and the such. My faith, is not very strong though. I often wander between belief, and doubt. I want Joseph Smith to be a prophet, I want Jesus to be our savior, and want it all to be true, but there is always doubt in my mind. Still, I pray to God and find comfort in reading the BoM. I don't follow the WoW though, as I drink a few beers every week or two, and am addicted to nicotine despite my attempts to quit. I don't go to my Ward, and haven't been there for five years or so now. I'm thinking of going back some day, once I muster the courage to get past my social phobia, but I don't know if I will ever have the same degree of faith as others do. I've just been tempered in a world where doubt is ingrained in me, it is hard to just let go and accept something without suspicion. Mind you, before I was converted, I was a fairly hardened atheist, so even this far is quite a bit of progress for me. What the heck am I? Bleh:confused:

Thanks Dahlia, I did go to a CBT therapist a few months back, and he informed me that he had cured me of my aliment. He didn't, but he wasn't that good to begin with. Plus, it was a bit on the expensive side, as I don't have insurance. I have a family to worry about first, and spending $150 - $300 is not within our budget. I am feeling a bit better right now though, perhaps just expressing my thoughts helped a bit. I think for now, I will just sort of be a Jack Mormon. Continue with reading scriptures, and praying to God. I'll probably go back to the ward again at some point, I would like to have my kids involved more as it would be good for them. My youngest hasn't been there since she was a baby. If anything, I'll probably trudge through it for them. I just don't want to ruin the experience for others in the church. I'm glad to hear your sister is doing better, depression can be a hard thing to beat. Anytime someone breaks out of it, it cheers me up a bit. Thanks for responding.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm not ready to go back yet, really I am just some weird guy that probably creeps people out at the church because I am so quiet, and reserved, not to mention nervous. I don't think it is fair to other people there, to have to deal with a person like me. Social anxiety is something I am trying to beat, it is hard to explain the irrational nature of it. But until I can beat it, and conduct myself in a manner that is more open, and less prone to making others feel uncomfortable I just can't go into a place meant for spirituality. It makes me feel guilty, because I feel as though I am robbing them out of their experience. I think I need God to do this, because I just can't seem to do it on my own. As much as I hate to admit such weakness to myself, I am 38 years old and you would think I would have gotten over it by now. If you all don't mind, I think I will just stick around the forums for now, for any guidance I might get.

Hey all, My name is Jeff, and I am a convert to the church, although not an active member. I have come here for a bit of help, perhaps some advice. I was baptized in 2006, but quit going shortly thereafter, mostly due to social anxiety problems that are out of my control. Originally, I had hoped that being spirit filled would help me see past such anxiety, but it did not. Since 2006, I have swung from agnosticism to slight belief, despite praying to God from time to time, I never really feel the holy spirit. I have noticed, that I just can't seem to keep myself in check, I originally quit smoking, and drinking. Now, I am back to using nicotine and drinking about once a week. I seem to just lack the willpower, or energy to do much of anything these days but sit around day dreaming. I would love to go back to the ward, but I am incredibly socially awkward. I feel guilty, because most of the people are really nice, yet I don't really reciprocate such genuine kindness, not to mention, whatever faith I do have is not nearly as strong as theirs is. I just feel out of place, I am an introvert to begin with, and just do not participate as I think people expect I should. I think if anything, I probably take from the spirit filled church, and don't contribute. It is strange, I'm not really sure why I am even writing this, perhaps a bit of self pity. I'm just depressed, I need something to believe in. Without it, I have no willpower and just seem to float about life in my own dreams. I feel depressed, worthless, and filled with shame about not being able to do the simple things most people can do effortlessly. Never had I felt the holy spirit, before praying on the Book of Mormon, and the feeling of relief, and love was just beyond anything I had felt. I miss that feeling, even if it was brief. I have sought out the holy spirit many times since, and haven't felt it. Perhaps God is angry at me, perhaps I am unworthy. I don't know. Really, I just feel worn down. It has been so long since I have been to the ward, I'm not sure if this is a typical request but if you could, just pray for me. Perhaps God will hear your calls, and show me a way. Sorry for the long winded post, I don't have much to contribute to the site as I am not very knowledgeable regarding the church. So I thought I would just post a quick intro, with a twist and place it in the advice section. Thank you for hearing me out.