Idealist

Well I am getting at the end of my patience as well and I can feel it that's why I thought of posting here so I can release some of my feelings. I would never seriously discuss this with friends or families as I don't want them to think badly of him. His excuse is that he has the pension which is nearly as much as what I am earning and he pays most of it towards our house expense. But for me, it's not about the money but just the thought of his wasting his time accomplishing nothing and not progressing at all.

No I wouldn't say I have bluntly told him this. But maybe that's something I have to think about now that you mentioned it.

I have encouraged him to do that, too. He just doesn't have the drive or motivation to do anything. I know this is bad to say but I really think he is just plain lazy. It's not that there are no opportunities, he just finds excuses all the time not to do things. I really don't want to acknowledge this before as I want to look at him in a good light but given these facts, I have to call a spade a spade.

I am sorry to near that you are going through this. A couple of years ago, I went through the same thing and caught my husband having inappropriate (with sexual undertones) online relationship with several women from various chat rooms. I have caught him also chatting and flirting with other women. I got all these evidences from digging into his computer and phone. I confronted him with it and in fact almost cost us our marriage. He made amends and i have forgiven him. Since then, I have not had anymore reason to believe he was being unfaithful. Personally, I would rather know the truth so do what you need to get these evidences just so you can also establish that you are not just being paranoid or insecure. When you have the facts, then you can decide what you want to do with it. You can still survive and save your marriage after this, which will depend on how your husband repents and abandon this sin and how you are willing to forgive and most importantly FORGET. I know of at least 2 friends who have similar problems with cheating husbands. One of them chose to ignore and continue forgiving her husband but her husband until now is cheating on her. Another one punished her husband by cheating as well and they are still living in a miserable relationship. What you need to do would be dependent on a lot of things as each one has different circumstances but my advise to you is hold on to your faith, continue doing the right thing because that is the only thing you can control. The rest will depend on your husband. If he choose to throw away your marriage, there is nothing you can do no matter how hard you try to save it. At least by doing the right thing, at the end of it, you know that you will be safe and your future will be at The Lord's hands. I wish you all the best and hope you can overcome this.

Backroads, we have talked so many times about our goals and we both seem to be in the same page on that. I think the difference is that after the planning stage, I am ready to execute the plan while he is still ho,ding out for the perfect job (he's waiting for 10 years now), and in the meantime, we can't go past step 1 because he is not helping enough to achieve our goals.

Mahone, he is looking for business type of work where he can work from home and manage his own time. He doesn't mind not having any salary as long as commission is good. He is not wanting to work in a 9 to 5 job if possible. He would consider it if the pay is good. But as I said in my earlier post, no one is hiring him for those positions because he is not qualified. I was encouraging him to take any lower position and just work his way up but he's unwilling to do that. He used to have a good job in management position about 20 years ago so that is why I think he finds it degrading to start low again in a junior position, considering his age, too.

Quin, if we have any children I would not mind having a SAHD because I know that is really hard work. But when there is just him and me, what is there to do at home? I cook our meals from scratch 3x a week and he heats dinner the rest of the week (I say heat because the food is ready-to-eat) so I don't think that takes a lot of time. We still share house chores even when I'm the one working so I don't think he slaves himself too much with house work.

Misshalfway, that is what I have been doing for the last 10 years. But the difference is that I was much younger then when stability and dreaming of having children is not in the forefront of my mind. Just having the two of us was enough but now its different. I love creating dreams with my husband but at some point you'd like to make that dream a reality and that's when I struggle when I feel I am the only one trying to achieve those dreams.

I have tried all these years to be supportive of him which is why I'm thinking maybe I have not emphasised enough the need for him to work because as I said we get by comfortably with my job and his pension. But the thing is I want more stability. I want to start a family and he told me he also wants those things. We talk about the future but i think I'm the one who steers it more than him. When I ask him, he doesn't seem to have any concrete plan. He just goes-with-the flow sort of guy and honestly I'm getting tired of it as he's not young anymore. It's really frustrating!

He is not disabled in a way that we can't work (he is not handicapped or anything) so this is really not the reason. It's just that he is looking for something that he says will enjoy. Now that does not seem to be a bad thing but if I see no effort in developing his skills to get his dream job then for me it's just a wishful thinking.

My husband and I came from different cultural background (Asian and European). He lived in my country in Asia for 12 years doing several businesses that failed. He refused to get a job as his excuse was that the money was "peanuts" compared to what he will get in Europe, unless he gets an expat job. He doesn't have the education or the experience to be hired as an expat so he remained in work "limbo" for many years. Recently, we moved to his country with hope of improving our finances and save to be able to finally buy our own house. It's been nearly a year and still no job. He's always targeting for some sort of "business type" work and all he has are prospects which I have dealt with for the last decade. There are times I would remind him to get a job and there would be fights because of it. I think the problem is that he has no pressure at all. There is no immediate need for him to work as we get by comfortably with my salary and his disability pension but I feel that we should not settle with just "getting by". We have no real responsibility aside from ourselves. We have no mortgage. We have no kids and are planning for it, how can we afford it with just one salary and a meager pension? How can i take care of a baby if i am the bread winner? It's really frustrating for me as he is the man of the house and should be the provider but the way things are going, he is content with being the house husband. He cooks and cleans the house which is a saving grace but I'm afraid he is getting stagnant and is not progressing with any skills. I love my husband dearly and I wish he would have higher goals than just getting by? Any advice on how to deal with this?