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It's been a while since I visited these forums. I typically just keep things bottled up and when I do tell things to someone(mostly my parents) I feel like I am just complaining. This might be long. Please do not feel like it needs to be read. I just need a place to put it down. I have been divorced now for 8 years. I have joint 50/50 custody of my kids. They spend a week at their mothers and then a week at my place. Our kids have always gone to schools in her neighborhood. We fought about schools when we were first divorced after we had both moved to new neighborhoods. We moved relatively close to each other so I figured where they went was a 50/50 toss up since they would no longer be going to the schools where we lived when we were married. When the first day of school came around the decision of schools wasn't decided and the kids were stressed about where they would be going so I relented to having them attend schools in their moms neighborhood. For the last eight years I have picking up and dropping off my children from school. Early on, I had a preschool, an elementary school, a junior high and a high school to make those pickup and drop offs at each day. For a while I paid a nanny to handle the pickups so I could stay at work. A couple of years ago the school district made a boundary change so that the high school and junior high were the same for both my ex and myself. It was really nice because I now had bus service for everything except elementary school. Unfortunately that only lasted a year. Last year the junior high was switched out of my exes boundary but remained in mine. My child who attended that school has kept going there but my ex's mom takes her in the morning and she walks home to her mothers house after. Next year my son will move to Junior high. I would like for him to attend the junior high that has bus service to my neighborhood(the same as his sister attends now). I mentioned to his mom that we needed to work out junior high and that I would like for him to go to the junior high that allowed for bus service in my neighborhood. She commented that I shouldn't have moved so far away when we got divorced and then something to the effect that church beliefs could no longer control her. What?! She went on to say that she was going to do what's best for her. Yes, obviously. First, it was weird that she felt like my wanting to have my son go to the school that made it so I didn't have to drive had anything to do with her leaving the LDS church. Second, the comment that she was going to do what was best for her kind of hit me in a way that it never had before. I really feel like she has continued to use me even after getting divorced. I have been faithfully paying child support for 8 years and have split custody but I continually buy all the things like shoes, clothes and sports equipment. My youngest told me her shoes had a hole in them this week and I wanted to say "Please ask your mother to get you some shoes" since I have bought all but one pair for the last 8 years. Instead I told her we would try to get her a new pair the next time she was with me. A few months ago my ex actually accused me of buying the kids whatever they wanted with reference to shoes and clothes. I pointed out that I just buy them shoes when I see a need. I get them jeans when I notice they wear a pair more than a few times a week or they are damaged or stained. I buy them a jacket when the one they have doesn't fit or is raggedy. I'm just trying to fulfill my role to provide and when I see a need I take care of it. I was blown away that I was being accused of doing too much. I don't think that is a normal complaint a divorced man gets. That wasn't the whole of it. She actually accused me of doing things for the kids just to make her look bad. Like the last eight years of going to every activity, every parent teacher conference, every recital, coaching kids sports teams, taking every extra day with the kids that she offered etc etc was somehow just so I could make myself look better and her worse. I'm really kind of blown away at the accusation. As each of my two oldest got learner permits and drivers licenses I spent months looking for the just right, cheap, beater cars for them to drive. I purchased the cars, do all the maintenance and repairs etc and yet my ex gets all the benefit without any of the cost. I really want to draw a hard line in the sand and tell my kids they aren't allowed to do errands for their mother, drive siblings to things etc. in the cars I purchased. I want to tell them that until their mother contributes to this huge cost that they will only have the use of the vehicles at my house. I know that isn't practical or kind and that it would only create resentment in my kids but dang it if my ex doesn't appreciate it at all. My third oldest gets her permit soon. While I'm really excited for her to drive I don't feel like I can continue to bear the brunt of this cost and the continued entitlement of her mother. My birthday is coming up. The kids will be with her that week. My ex sent me a text asking if I wanted the kids on my birthday in the evening. That on the surface seems like a nice thing to do. In the text she goes on to explain that she and her family are having an adult only celebration that evening and that even if I didn't want all the kids could I at least take the one who has a sports event that night so she has a ride to her game. You see, all of my ex's usual drivers are going to the adult event. It kind of upset me and I don't know if it should have. It was obvious that the kids being with me on my birthday was secondary to her needing someone to take our youngest to her game. I resisted the urge to call her out on the optics of what she was asking and in my response I just asked if I could maybe get them a few hours before the game. She responded that she had changed her plans and taking the kids was no longer needed. She then offered for me to take them a few weeks later for the same adults only event but "just in evening". During this back in forth of text messages with my ex, my second oldest asked me what my plans for the my birthday were and I responded that I might be taking here two younger siblings in the evening but that her sister had a game right in the middle of it. She gave a very knowing look and then commented that that didn't seem right. That kind of leads me to my next major complaint. I want to be done sticking up for my ex with my kids. Usually when my kids complain about something their mother has done I either defend her or try to give them some perspective that paints her in a good light. I've made it clear that I won't allow them to bad mouth her when they are with me and I have asked them to speak respectfully to her when in her presence. I can't say that I have always done the same but that doesn't mean I can't at least let them know what the right thing is. Since I know I will get frustrated if she and I talk about anything other than the weather, my rules for communication with my ex these days usually boils down to either email or text. There needs to be a paper trail for any communication so nobody mis remembers what was said or how it was said. Anyway, there is too much to unwrap here. Just frustrated by all of it. I feel used and unappreciated most of the time. I just want to be done with doing anything for her that would be considered extra. I want to do only what my divorce decree specifies and ignore the rest. I know that isn't best for my kids though. This sucks.

I opted to allow her to attend. To the point of attending only the funeral and none of the other events, this isn't really possible. If she brings my children then she will be coming to everything as I want my children to be at everything. On another note, my parents just happened to bump into my former mother in law at a store today. She is now attending as well. I could tell it didn't make my mom very happy. My ex wasn't very kind in her assessment of my family when we were getting divorced and her mother got in on the action a bit as well. I guess we will see what happens. Thanks Just_a_guy and Vort.

I would like at some point in the near future to start dating. In my view of things, I can't do that unless I am a whole person and I can't be a whole person unless I let go of the hurt and bad feeling I have for my ex. I have a long way to go but I am definitely getting better.

My brother's widow said she wanted whatever was most comfortable for me. She also said my brother would have thought it was inappropriate for any of our ex's to be there. I guess she and he talked about this just a few weeks ago. For some additional context my brother had terminal cancer and he, his wife and daughter have been living with me for last month. He passed away in my home. My kids weren't able to spend much time with him during that month because he was in a lot of pain and had no energy for much interaction. Six months ago my answer to my ex would have been an immediate "please do not attend". In the last several months I have been working on changing my perspective and attitude when it comes to her but this is just very personal.

My older brother passed away on the 24th of December. His funeral is this Saturday and I wouldn't normally have my kids with me when the funeral is scheduled but my ex said it would be ok if they spent the day with me so they could attend. The next day my ex sent a text message saying that she would like to go to the funeral as well and that she could just take the kids. As part of the text she said "as long as it wouldn't make anybody feel uncomfortable". The problem is that is makes me uncomfortable. I would really like to spend this time with my family and kids without her there. She didn't really know my brother and she said a lot of things about my family when we were getting divorced that weren't exactly complimentary. She is no longer a member of the church and when she was making her grand exit she actually contacted my brother's wife for some kind of weird solidarity type interaction. It was really upsetting for not only my brother but also his wife. I really feel like she just doesn't belong there and on the whole is just going to be really uncomfortable for many others besides myself. I just wanted a sounding board on what others thought about the situation.

Hello again. I think the last time I posted something in these forums was over two years ago. At that time I was going through a divorce and life was rather topsy turvy. Things have evened out a bit now. My reason for suddenly dropping in again is because I have a question that I could use some additional points of view on. Much of the time I go to my parents for advice but lately I feel like most of my communication with them has been me expounding on the continued aggravation I experience because of my ex. My parents need a break. So here's the deal. One of the things that ultimately ended my marriage was my ex leaving the Church. She didn't just leave. She went full blown anti in a couple of weeks. It was something to behold. Over the last couple of years I have done my best to be respectful of her new lifestyle. Here and there I have had glimpses of what she has been teaching the kids but I have strictly adhered to not saying anything negative or anything that could be construed as negative about her. Through email communication I knew that she was telling the kids that I was brainwashed and that I belonged to a cult. Through other communication I knew that she frequently attacked my oldest over belief. I have mostly remained silent to her about what she is doing and the effect it has on our kids. I have opted instead to be a good example and try to do the things that will invite the spirit into my home. This includes doubling down on FHE, scripture study, family prayer etc. I have always maintained that I would do everything I could and leave the rest up to the Lord. In some recent communication with my ex, she said she wanted to go to mediation about the amount of time the kids were spending in religious training. While she has been adamantly against the Church in the time since divorce she has agreed a couple of times that we were raising the kids LDS. Strange, I know. Granted, I think she said that because she was trying to get something out of me but nevertheless she said it and by all appearances that is what we are doing. She doesn't take them to Church but she will occasionally let them go and she lets other things happen like attending activities and my third child was baptized when she turned 8 a year ago. Now on to the meat of needing advice. Recently while straitening my living room I found a notebook on the coffee table. I flipped it open to find out who it belonged to since it didn't have any markings on the outside. It was something my second oldest(11 years old) had written and by all appearance looked like some sort of fun spy journal or something she was doing. I thought it was cute and didn't see any harm in reading it. The first couple of pages were silliness. On about the third page it took a very disturbing turn. She starting writing about all the things her mother was telling her about the church. I won't go into the details here except to say that it made me pretty angry. I knew from some previous interactions that this daughter was having a hard time with the church and I could tell that she had also withdrawn to a certain extent from me because of it. At this point I am trying to decide how to proceed. As I mentioned above, I have made a point of not saying anything negative to the kids about their mom. I have gone out of my way to highlight her strengths(few they may be) and have even reprimanded them (the kids) when they have said something that cast her in a negative light. This just seems like too much though. She is telling my kids I am brainwashed. She is telling them everything I believe is a sham. She is telling them I am hateful and bigoted. I am thinking of contacting my lawyer tomorrow to see what can be done from a parental alienation standpoint. I want to sit my kids down and expound on the lunacy that is her broken mind. I won't do that but my, oh my, how I want to.