000Zero000

Yjacket, she has time for those things because i'm ther to watch the kids. I think you are right about my not pushing divorce. Im going to pull back on that. Our oldest is 11 and our youngest is 16 months. Im not going to know my babies at all. Right now im begging her for counseling. I'll go to my own if it will help. The hard thing is watching her get dolled up in clothing she never would have worn before to go hang out with other people. I dont understand how she could have fallen this far so fast. Our poor kids are the ones who will truly suffer. They have a pretty good life right now but my wife truly believes it will be better after we are divorced if she and I work together to make it that way. Its a dream world she is living in.

Well friends, I'm quickly losing hope. The way we view things has diverged so far I'm not sure we can stay married. For almost a month she has been telling me that we would both be happier being married to other people. I've pretty much begged that we go to counseling and tried to reasure her that we can be happy together even if we believe differently. Her response has always been that she didn't believe it was possible and she let me know she had already checked out of our marriage. Last saturday I asked her if we could just try to make it work for a year. We would go to counseling and try to be happy. She didn't give me an answer as to whether she was willing to do that but just reiterated that we would be happier with other people and that she had already checked out. She also talked about finding someone who thinks like she does, someone she can connect with on a deep level, her soulmate. It was all very hurtful. Later that day, after speaking to my Mom about what was going on I came to the conclusion that we would never be happy together if she didn't believe we could and if she wasn't willing to try. When she and I spoke again later Saturday I let her know that I would agree to a divorce. That didn't go very well as I was pretty angry and upset. I know I said things I shouldn't have but dang it if my heart is broken. I then went to speak to her father and let him know what was going on as well as apologizing for the stupid things I had done while being married to his daughter. I don't know why I felt the need to do that. When I got home she had made a complete reversal from earlier that day. Suddenly I was everything she had ever wanted and she admitted to being stupid and foolish. She said she did think we could be happy together and that she was willing to try. It was all very convincing and I really felt like she meant it. It's what I desperatley wanted so I retracted divorce. Fast forward to tonight. She let me know she was going to a comedy club with friends and that she would invite me but she didn't think I would like it as it is for 21 and older and there would be objectionable material. She's right, I don't want to go to a place like that. She basically told me this is who she is now and there was nothing wrong with it. I'm not handling this well. I guess my real problem is that she has been spending a lot of time with her new friends and very little with me. Granted, I could go with her for coffee on Sundays to be with her but then I would miss church. I could go to the comedy club or bar or whatever but then I would have to be in an environment I wouldn't like. I could read the books her post mormon book club is reading but I have to be honest when I say I'm not interested in learning about polyamory or similar subjects. As we were arguing tonight before she left she told me this is who she is now and I would have to just deal with it. I feel like I have been duped. I feel like she wants to have her cake and eat it too and that she only said everything she did before out of fear of the unknown. She is afraid to be a mother of 5 who is divorced. She is afraid she will have to get a job and put our little ones in daycare. She is afraid that she won't find someone better than me. She is afraid and so she doesn't want to lose the stability but does want to live free. I want her desperately. I would forgive her a million times if she asked me but this hurts so much. I don't know if I can keep doing it.

Just an update. Two months in and things have calmed down considerably at least with regards to tempers and arguements. I have been making an extended effort to make sure we are friends before going to bed every night. If nothing else, that is one good thing that has come out of this. That isn't to say we haven't been having some arguements. She is well out of the church now. She also no longer believes in God. She has written her story and is chomping at the bit to share it with others. Thankfully her new social circles have discouraged her from doing this. She has been going to ex mormon gatherings. At first I was upset about this, especially because they meet primarily on Sunday and she is practically gone all Sunday now. She also has an ex mormon book club she attends and a few other gatherings. I'm trying to take these things in stride but it is hard. She is angry at the church and feels that her younger years were stolen from her. There is a lot of regret there and that hurts not only her but also me as her list of regrets often include marriage and kids. She feels like she has been robbed of opportunity for better things in life. She has said that she just has to accept what her life is now because she is in it and can't change it. That pretty much sums up what has been happening lately. I do have a question. We got into an arguement the other night about tithing. She believes that tithing should now only be paid on half of our family income as she no longer wants to contribute money to what she considers an immoral and evil organization. Our money has always been just that, our money, shared equally even though it is all derived from my employment. She has reasoned now that half of our income is hers for the work she does at home and that she should decide what to do with the charitable contribution portion of that income. She doesn't want the money to do something else with. She just doesn't want it going to the church. Thoughts?

A quick update. Things in my opinion have gone from bad to worse in some areas and have been suprisingly positive in another(singular). Bad first. She no longer believes in Chrisitanity in general. She believes in God but in what form she is unsure. She has started reading popular books of the day dealing with peoples delusions about the existence of God and how science will ultimately discover what morality really is. The belief in some sort of God and reading these books seems contradictory to me. I suppose it will only be a matter of time before the belief in a supreme being also leaves her. She has also started to seek out other people of the same persuasion, in earnest. She has several people she knew who left the church that she has contacted recently asking for their experience. She also has a cousin that she just found out had left the church that wrote her an email detailing his "escape" from mormonism and "bondage". She has up to this point been attending church still but this Sunday informed me she would no longer be going. Just a few weeks ago she said she would support me in taking the children to church and attend with us even is she didn't participate. An obvious reversal of feeling but not suprising given the direction she is going. I suppose it won't be long before she doesn't want me taking the kids to church. She took her garments off a few weeks ago. That was a hard day. This Sunday when we got home from church she wasn't there. A couple of hours later she came in with a bunch of groceries. Not a big deal really except our kids know we don't shop on Sunday. So much for the home evening lesson a few months ago about keeping the sabbath day holy. In an email this last week she let me know that she won't give up hope that I will also leave the church. She wants to remain married and believes our marriage will be better than ever. I'm sure this belief is somewhat based on the experience of her brother who reports his marriage as being stronger than ever after leaving the church. At first, her brother's wife fought against his leaving the church but now she has accepted it. How does the saying go "We first learn to tolerate, then accept, then embrace." I'm sure I didn't get that exactly right but close enough. When my parents found out where she was and the current state of our marriage they dropped everything and drove for two days so they could spend a couple of hours talking to us. I let them know that gospel discussion would be fruiltless as she now regards anything religious as having no value. The talk focused primarily on she and I remaining married. My parents(and everyone else for that matter) believe that ultimately we should remain together and work out a balance that each can live with. She wants to remain together(see paragraph above). I don't know if I can given her current course. Now for the good. Our ward is trying really hard to help her feel loved. Multiple people have come over to talk to her and let her know they love her. Some have shared their experiences with doubt about the church. A good neighbor, a woman my wife sought and gained as a friend, sent her a text on Sunday expressing love for her and letting her know she wanted her at church with her. Another good woman in the ward came over and expressed love for her. The relief society president came over and spent a couple of hours talking with her. On Sunday, a couple stopped me in the hall and a good sister gave me a hug and let me know they hadn't given up on her and that it wasn't over. This has been very good for me. I had reservations about our current ward when we moved in but slowly the people in the ward have won me over. I'm close to believing it is the best ward I have ever been in. That's about all the good I can give at this time. I continue to make mistakes but have determined that whatever happens now I need to stay as far away from getting angry or arguementative as I possibly can. At times this means I will just have to be silent.

Thank you everyone for your responses. It has been super helpful. I shared some of the responses with her last night as we burned the midnight oil talking about this. Things got heated at times. I can be a real idiot. Lucky for me she is very forgiving of my bad communication skills. We are going to study this out together over the next little while. After our conversation I felt hope that we could work through this. I was so scared about what was to come. This will force me to do what I should have been doing already with regards to couple prayer and study. She's willing and I'm grateful. She is going to talk to the Bishop about being released from her calling. I think that is probably the best course. She fully intends to continue going to church. These are all really good things. Thanks again.

I will start out by saying that I have read many of the threads found here dealing with the same topic I want to write about. That is, my wife has decided the LDS Church is not true. I would post on one of these other threads but didn't want to hijack them and part of my posting is for me as I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to anyone about this. I know that the Bishop or family should be a resource but my wife has indicated she wants to keep this a secret for now. Fair warning, this is pretty long. Some background may be appropriate. We have been married for 13 years and have 5 children. Both of us were raised LDS and have checked all the appropriate boxes on the list of "Things LDS people should do". Our marriage has at times been very stressed and rocky. The last 3 years or so have been by far the best. There are of course a few things we haven't been good at but I will get to those in a bit. This has been a hard year for my wifes family. The primary issue dealt with her parents getting divorced. While I knew this would be hard on my wife she insisted she was ok with it, even happy about it as her father could finally find some happiness that her mother some how prevented. That's for a different topic. A week ago, my wife's brother announced he longer believes in the LDS church. It sent shockwaves through the family. In his announcement, made on facebook of all places, he linked to an anti mormon essay that he felt gave his primary reasons of non belief. To make a long story short, my wife clicked on the link and read the article. She says she knew the church wasn't true in the first 15 seconds of reading it. I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. I can see this is terribly hard for her. She feels like she has been lied to her whole life. I caught her crying one morning before she officially told me her decision to leave the church but she wouldn't tell me why then. She can't reconcile what she was taught with what the truth (and untruths) actually are. In talking about it she cited things that I have known for years. Many of these things I heard on my mission or was faced with growing up (I didn't grow up in Utah). I also had read them on my own during times of curiousity. It's too much for her though. The evidence she says is too great. The hardest part for me, is that with this declaration she seems like a different person to me. I told her as much. On one of the other threads related to this topic a poster asks the question "Did you marry him/her because she was a good member of the church or because you loved him/her". I have to answer that it was both. It's all of the above. I was attracted to her because of who she was physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. I love her for the same reasons. These things are all apart of the whole. I can't see how removing a big piece of that would not make her a different person. Now I am looking at things I could have done differently that would have prevented this from happening. We had family prayer and family scripture study on a regular basis. Family home evening almost every week. We have a family council on Sunday where we talk about things we can do better as a family and coordinate our schedule for the next week. We attend church each week and hold callings(She is currently the relief society secretary.) We pay a full tithe and give what we consider to be a generous fast offering. We are very selective about the media we allow in our home. We do a host of other things that would be considered good. In all of this, the place I feel I failed personally was that I didn't actively pursue couple prayer and study. I keep thinking that if this had been a part of our daily routine this wouldn't have happened. I could have worked through this with her. We could have prayed together about it and studied it out. She didn't turn to me though. I feel like now I have lost her. That I don't know her and that it's too late. She is afraid she will lose all her friends in the ward. That our children will be ostracised because their mother is a non believer. She is afraid of what her father will say. His reaction to his son declaring that he had left the church was "You could tell he never really had a strong testimony". For the time being she doesn't want anyone to know that she no longer believes. She will "fake it" until the time is right. I have a problem with this. To me, this is mocking God. She maintains that I can continue to teach our children the tenants of the LDS faith. How can she allow this if she believes they are lies? I'm unsure about all of this. Thank you for letting me use the forum as a sounding board.