malariewhiting
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Posts posted by malariewhiting
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I am so sorry that you have to deal with such a terrible thing as a family. My father went through something very similar (and he has been an extraordinary father because of it). His dad passed away about 11 years ago now, and it's just been recently that he's been able to talk about the things his father used to do to him. He was abused also. My husband's father is dieing so I asked my dad what I could to do help my husband and he told me that all I can do is be there for him, and then he broke down in tears. He explained that his biggest regret is not telling his dad everything that he wanted to say before he died. He didn't get to explain the love he had for him despite the pain he caused, and he didn't get to build that father son relationship. He told me that is his biggest regret in life thus far.I had a conversation with my husband the other day that has really got me thinking.
My father in law is terminally ill with a long term disease that i cant remember the name of. Its a bit like M.S, basically his organs are shutting down one by one, he is on home o2 and cant walk and has nurses at home, all that kind of stuff. He has been like this for ten years and gets worse every year. I dont know how long he's got left, maybe a couple of years, maybe more maybe less. Its hard to judge. However, there are some complicating factors to this situation. My father in law is a bully. He treats his wife really badly, is never grateful for all she does (she's his carer and does everything). He is not interested in my husband or his life and will periodically call him in to his bedroom to have a go at him about some random thing that happened weeks ago or just because he feels like it. We're talkin effing and blinding and all that kind of stuff.
My husband has only recently felt able to fully tell me that when he and his eldest sister were younger, his Dad used to beat them. He still bears the emotional scars today and so does his sister, big time. He broke a door as a 6 year old child, and his Dad locked him in a room and beat the crap out of him, hitting him around the head and kicking him. Disgusting. Anyway, when my husband was about 12 thats when he started to get ill. My husband is now 27.
So, as you can imagine my husband has a very difficult relationship with his Dad. His nan died recently (His Dad's Mum) and he said Dad will be next I suppose. He started talking about what will happen when he dies. He said, Ive never had a Dad, emotionally or physically, but he is my Dad and I know I'll be devastated when he goes as I wont have had a chance to tell him all the things I want to tell him as my Father, but can't because of what he's done to me. He said, I havent had a Dad in the real sense, I might as well not have one now for all he cares about me.
This conversation just broke my heart and I wanted to comfort my husband. I want to know how to comfort him when his Dad dies, it wont be like normal grief because of these complications. I dont know how to support my husband in this difficult situation now, and when his Dad dies. He finds it hard to have a relationship with my Dad because basically he doesnt know how. He clams up and doesnt know what to say or do, yet he raves about my Dad. This makes it harder, because I am very close to my Dad, and feel luckier than most with the type of Father and relationship I have. I think it just hits home even more to my husband what he has not had.
What can I do to support my husband? I always reaffirm my love for him and tell him I'm always here no matter what, and what a great Father he'll make to our children. But that isn't enough to compensate for the loss of a real father son relationship. Also, when he dies. Does anyone have any thoughts on this difficult issue?
All in all, I think your husband will just need you to be very supportive of whatever he decides to do. And, good luck with everything.
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My parents feelings about the church and me going through the temple actually have nothing to do with anything that I did, or anything that I know about. After their temple experience they haven't been the same in the church.malarie, im so sorry for the difficult time you're having with your family. Can I ask why your parents reacted this way? If they had been to the temple why should they have a problem with you going? How were you 'ruining' their church life by getting married in the temple? Is there more to this? I would say to do whatever you feel is right but if your family are shutting you out maybe you should reconsider. My personal opinion is that it is not worth going through the temple if you lose your family. The church is so big on families so to go to the temple and lose your family seems a little pointless. However, why should your parents behave like spoiled children? im sure you will get a better response if you could shed a bit of light on this xx
The other thing I should make clear is that my relationship with my family was damaged a long time ago, and I don't feel like they are shutting me out, they just can't be there with me. Listening to the spirit is extremely important to me and I wouldn't be where I am at today with out the sound voice that I hear, but I just want to be able to make the experience positive for my family. Me waiting is not going to do anyone any good, my dad doesn't have a desire to renew his recommend and my mom isn't showing me any ambition or reason to wait for her to come with me. I feel like this is the right decision, I just need some suggestions on how to include those people who can't be there.
Thanks for your reply, it helped me see the other side of the situation.
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when I moved to my new home my bishop and I had the same type of feelings towards eachother. He got the impression that I was strong willed and hard headed and I got the impression that he didn't like me nor did he approve of me. As time went on it became a severe problem that was leading to me stay away from ward activities and interview with him. Finally, I decided to talk to him about it and we had an interview where I expressed my feelings and he helped comfort me from my feelings. It was a really great interview, and we shared a prayer of hope and understanding for eachother and things have been great since. He even told me that he was able to improve with his ability as a bishop from the discussion. It was great for us, maybe you could try something similar.Hello everyone. I am new to this site. I am so excited to have found such a site for advice and new friends. My husband and I are converts, 8 years now. We have been in our ward for the past 5 years and about 3 years ago we had a difficult turn in our life. I had given birth to a premature baby weighing 1 pound and 15 ounces. The past 3 years have been the hardest for us, which included the inability to attend church due to her many medical conditions.
Recently, we had a new bishop called in the ward. My husband and I have spoken to him several times regarding our daughter and other matters.
Here is my problem... Since the moment I met the bishop, I felt agitated. I am a strong willed individual but I get the feeling he is one as well. You know when you are just not going to get along with another. You feel that tension. I feel this when I talk to him. Like a child being talked down to. I know this is probably all me and I need to just get over it but I am having the most difficult time with it. It's even at the point where I wonder if this is the right path for me. Even reading the scriptures have lost their influence.
How does one cope?
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I have been a member of the church my whole life, my family was just inactive. As I grew up I found a sincere desire to be a part of the church, and my parents also went through a stage where they were intently active members. During this time they both received their endowments. That has been three years now. Since then my father has been back to the temple once, and my mother twice. This is where the trouble starts...
After moving away for college, I found the man that I wanted to marry. We set our temple date, and excitedly started to plan our wedding. The joy that we had was undescribable. As wedding plans progressed and the wedding got closer, my mother and father began to draw away from me. I was confused as to the reason but didn't want to stir up dirt, so I ignored it. The problem progressively got worse, and it blew. My mom and dad explained to me that if I got married in the temple they would both remove their garments and never go back to church. I was soooo hurt, and more so didn't know what to do. So I approached my fiance and we decided to ask my bishop for help. He guided me towards continuing on with a temple marriage and hoping that my parents wouldn't deny themselves the blessings the garments represent. With a found hope from the bishop I proceeded planning the wedding. My mom and I continuosly had blow ups and finally my sister called and told me that if I went through the temple that she would never talk to me again. She explained that she has worked her whole life to make my parents more comfortable with the church and I was ruining it. Well, I knew that my fiance wasn't going to be happy about not going through the temple so I called off the wedding in hopes that everything would blow over and we could get married shortly after and everyone would be fine.
As you can imagine this didn't happen like expected and my husband and I were married civilly last September. Since then my parents and I have rebuilt a relationship, and my siblings and I are still in the process of rebuilding ours. I have been prompted by the spirit on several occasions recently to receive my endowments soon. I have politely pushed them away knowing that it is going to cause some horrific family issues that i have just resolved. I finally went and talked to my bishop regarding the feelings and he agreed that it was time that I take out my endowments. So I approach my mom(who hasn't attended church in some time) and tell her and she says that she will "try" and get a recommend, but that my dad won't even try. One of my sisters is willing to fly to Utah and do it with me, but my other sister who is endowed doesn't have a recommend and I have one sister, two brothers and their spouses who can't be there. How do I make them feel included and loved even though I am doing something that they are not okay with? How do I keep my day special and not worry about the feelings that are being hurt outside of the temple? I have prayed and I feel like this is the move that I am supposed to make. I am receiving my endowments on Saturday, so any advice you have would be greatly appreciated... and the sooner the better. Thanks in advanced for your help
Endowments
in Advice Board
Posted
What year did they attend?
They received their endowments December of 2004