Just Someone

I apologize if this topic has been brought up by someone else, but I've had a thought that did wonders for my marriage, when 15 of our 20 years of marriage has been loveless. This is what turned it around. The last general conference was more meaningful and spiritual than any others for me. A couple days later, I felt a need to express my appreciation and love for my husband. It started out as a text, but as it grew in length it turned into an email. My words normally get all jumbled up when I speak of anything emotional and my true feelings aren't conveyed so I decided to trust my writing. I read and fixed and re-read and then changed some more of it many times before I sent it to him. I even left it and came back to it a couple hours later to make sure it was saying what I wanted it to. This was no ordinary letter, it was from deep down, the part of myself that NO ONE ever sees. This could only have been done when I was already in an incredibly spiritual moment in time. What I told him was incredibly personal, but I feel the need to share it with you. I told him what I love about him and why. I told him that the perspective of physical bodies and earthly sins and annoyances had nothing to do with why I do or don't love him because I had caught a glimpse of the other side and I realized that when looking at the eternal perspective, suddenly this anger and frustration seemed quite silly because they didn't matter. We are here to help each other through this life, not hinder them and I feel extremely blessed to have him by my side. At the end of the email I asked him if we could talk about it when he had time to think it through. We talked the next night where he shared his thoughts about it. It was incredible for us, but after a few weeks, when the high wore off, the real work began. Which is a whole other topic. My point is that we all communicate differently, we all perceive love differently, and maybe giving your wife some time to hear what you have to say privately, without having to respond immediately may be an idea. Make sure if you do this you include the desire to discuss it after she has had time to think it over. It was the talk afterwords that had such a huge effect on us. It had been so long since we really communicated without walls and barriers. We can never truly know someone when there are walls in the way. There's a song by Francesca Batistelli called "If We're Honest". It's worth listening to and maybe playing it for your wife. If you decide to do this, I would give a little advise (even though I'm not big on giving advise, I think we "should" all over each other enough) but here it is. In this letter/email I would not include your transgressions, I would focus all of it on her and your love for her, why you fell in love with her. Keep everything positive and really speak from the heart. Your wife has been wounded, and apparently she has made negativity her band-aid. Something has to change for her to be able to decide to rip the band-aid off, hopefully she'll see that she's picking the wound open over and over again. If she stops, it'll heal.

I agree that a psychological eval would be beneficial for both of you. You will have to, if you want your insurance to pay for it, see a physician/counselor(?) to "suspect" a mental/emotional problem, who will then refer you out to a psychologist (that's how it worked for my son at least). I got a psych eval done for my son, and it helped me understand him more, and also helped me to know how I could help him. In the report, it will tell you what types of therapies would benefit you and your situation best. As for the brutal honesty from @Just_A_Guy I think it may have been a bit too harsh. I don't think this thread should rile up @Mcmkk. I'm sure he can think up all the rationalities and negative thoughts/feelings against his wife on his own. I do agree that she is using abusive behavior. As hurt as she is, as awful as she thinks your actions were, they could have been much, MUCH worse. Like I said, I have been on the receiving end of that confession by my husband, and I was hurt, but at the same time, my thoughts were revolved around his struggle and how I could help him through his temptations. There are a LOT of resources out there, many of them through the church, that can help both of you through this. Additionally, it really isn't fair to the bishop to expect him to provide all your counseling. He is there for your spiritual health, he has no training in counseling, so when faced with emotional/marital issues, a professional is needed. If she's not comfortable going to just anyone, the church has counseling services, this allows you to freely talk about the problems in your marriage, without having to explain why it's a problem (since the rest of the world sees it as normal behavior). Just remember, illnesses of the mind (I'll throw in marriage as well) are no different from other types of illnesses. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you wouldn't "deal with it" yourself, you would go to the professional that can give you your best shot at survival. The same goes for the "cancer" in your marriage. Also remember, cancer is never stagnant, it is either growing because of a lack of treatment, or dying because of treatment is being received. If it's left without improvement, it will get worse until it is far too out of control to fix. I do wish the best for you, and I hope you can both get the help you need.

I have not read this entire feed, but what I have read causes me some concern. I only know some basics of psychology, and I would never pretend that I can diagnose, but it sounds like your wife needs to be evaluated. There are many personality disorders that include manipulation and threatening to self-harm if you don't do what they want. On another note, my husband came to me with the same confession. Yes, it was crushing. It took a long time, even after I had forgiven him, to be comfortable being intimate with him again. I would wonder if he thought I was as attractive as the girls he looked at, but I did come to forgive him. The key for me was to figure out who I am, to be comfortable with who I am, and to learn to love myself for who I am. All this rejection she is giving you may, if she is experiencing what I did, just be that she doesn't love herself. SHE has to be able to do it, and there really isn't anything you can do for her, except love her and show her that you are committed to your eternal marriage. I know it's hard to face the possibility that it isn't really in your hands, but continue to pray for her and ask God to help you forgive her for her controlling behavior. It is a long road, one that you will have to carry the marriage on your own through some of it, but in the end, hopefully worth it. For me, my husband and I are as strong as ever now.