Ijustwanttocomehome

I sincerely appreciate the support and suggestions. When I sit down with my Bishop (who I have no idea who it is, but I'm sure there is some kind of program or app to find out by my address), how does one even begin? Do I treat my sins like a checklist and just throw them all out there or do I just tell him about my life? Might sound like a silly question, but if I can picture the conversation in my head and feel a little more organized it will help me make that appointment. I am also not sure, are there hard lines that if crossed require excommunication, or is it as guided by the spirit? Although I don't know that it really matters in the end, if my transgressions are grave enough that its needed, then so be it to get back into Heavenly Fathers light.

I want to first say that I read all the posted rules I could find, but if I violate any rules policies with my post please let me know so I can revise it, I also apologize if my post seems to ramble at all, I'll do my best but it can be tricky when asking for advice on things hard to share and express. I've struggled with a pornography addiction for as long as I remember, as much as I can pinpoint it down I believe it started somewhere between eleven and thirteen. I went on a mission without any testimony to speak of, but gained one doing the Lords work. However in the latter half of my mission I struggled with that same addiction a few times and wasn't sent home from my mission, but came home without a temple recommend. From that time I decided that if I couldn't overcome that addiction while on my mission, when I felt I was as sincerely focused on the Lord and his work that if I couldn't overcome it then, then I simply had no hope. I spent the next four or so years not hating the church and Gods teachings, but doing my best to not feel the overwhelming guilt and despair my own sins cause me. During that time I made a lot of poor choices that wouldn't be appropriate to list here, but for context and understanding I'll say that same-sex relations were among them. After those four years I met my now wife and we dated for awhile, moved in together and then got married. For the last three years I've had a happy marriage and I love my wife very much, however she has virtually no knowledge of the Lord or his gospel, which enables me to go through life without any support or pressure to return to Him. I've never doubted Heavenly Fathers existence, His Sons existence or the power and validity of His gospel. I've simply chosen to "hide" from it due to my own weaknesses, even though I've turned from Him I still see His blessings in my life. I've had things line up in my career and financial life that simply weren't coincidence and I simply refuse to chalk them up to luck when I know they must have come from Him. However that is a bit of a tangent I apologize. Simply put my life is going ok, BUT I miss feeling "whole", I miss feeling the Holy Spirit's guidance, I miss feeling the Lords love. I miss serving my God. My wife and I recently had our first child, a wonderful baby girl who is 7 months old now, and I can't accept the idea of not showing her who God is and how much he loves her. It's not just about me anymore and my weaknesses, I feel like if I can't help her develop a relationship with her Heavenly Father than I will have kept her from the greatest joy she'll ever know, that I once tasted. But its been seven years sense my mission now, and I don't know how to go back. I keep waiting for some dramatic event or something to happen to create this overwhelming drive in me to repent and come back to my Father. But times goes by and no event comes, I don't think it ever will and that's probably just Satan pulling a quick one on me. I know coming back starts with talking to a Bishop and confessing/discussing my sins, but I can't seem to muster a desire to take that massive step, and I am scared due to some of the more severe transgressions in my past that Excommunication will be necessary, I'm scared that following God and living His gospel will be a path my wife won't understand and might not follow, I'm scared that I'll have to change from a very lucrative career that forces me to work Sundays half the year, I guess I'm just scared. I am asking for advice as well as I am just posting this to just take a step, any step at all in the right direction. My plan is to begin reading the Book of Mormon again and try to keep my heart open, although I haven't felt the Holy Spirit in longer than I remember.