[No more love]

2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

His comment was not about withholding sexual intimacy but withholding love.

I'm sorry if I misread it.

[No more love]

1 minute ago, prisonchaplain said:

So...spouse isn't pulling fair share, and seems to ignore the please to help more and engage more. What to do? Withhold love? Use marital privileges as a bargaining tool? Of course not. 

Honestly it's not my intention to withhold sexual intimacy as a punishment; I just can't make myself have sex with someone who I honestly can't say "I love you" to. I feel deceitful and mean and awkward having sex. But after your post I can see that my husband might see it that way.

[No more love]

1 minute ago, Mores said:

I'm not joking when I suggest this, but I'm also not entirely certain what would happen.  I'm just wondering.

What would happen if you said something like,"Honey, your love language is touch.  And mine is service.  So, how about:  I'll give you a hug and a kiss if you take the trash out" (or clean such a room or take care of the kids...)

For something bigger, "Will you take care of the garden for the week so we can have a really nice date night together this weekend?"

That's actually an interesting idea 🤔😇

[No more love]

9 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Then you need to give him credit for working.

You only focus on him not helping you with house work without putting any credit nor consideration on all the work he has already done.

12-year-old kids offer their services for yardwork for very cheap especially if you provide the equipment.  But the point I was trying to make is - your husband provides value to the household that you are ignoring.  If neither of you want to do the yardwork then you need to find alternative options instead of doing something you don't want to do and resenting your husband for it.  You should be more worried about caring for your husband than caring for your yard.

The point is I'm emotionally about done "caring" for my husband. I do everything I can to care for him and the kids, and he does nothing to help "care" for me. My love language is service. Him helping me is part of caring for me. His language is touch. I have never, until about 3 months ago, said "no" to intimacy from him because I know it's important to him to feel loved, even when I'm not "in the mood." This is not simply about having a good yard (which I don't; with everything else I don't have time to do all that needs to be done). It's deeper than that. I have done everything for him and don't feel like he does the same. I work, too. The only thing he contributes is income. I don't want more money, I'd rather have a husband.

[No more love]

3 hours ago, MrShorty said:

I, too, would probably not want to go to the bishop, because the bishop is (likely) not a marriage counselor. I might go so far as to ask the bishop for a recommendation or referral to a counselor, but I would not expect him to do the actual counseling. If you are in counseling for your anxiety/depression, then your therapist may have a recommendation for marriage counselors. I think that professional counseling could be helpful if you can find a counselor that works well with both you and your husband. I have seen studies that suggest that the success of counseling is strongly predicted by how good that relationship is, so don't be afraid to try different counselors until you find a good fit.

If you are interested in "self-help" counseling, Five Love Languages is a good book. I also liked Willard Harley's His Needs Her Needs. John Gottman is good, too (start with "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"). There are lots of others beyond that, to the point that it gets overwhelming.

I am optimistic that your situation is still worth working on. I hope you will find some help and encouragement for you and your husband.

Thank you. I will check into those books. I talked to him about counseling before, but nothing came of it. I guess I will have to find a counselor. I'm afraid of being able to afford it and having to end up going to Bishop and asking for funds--I like to find a way. But it would probably be helpful

[No more love]

3 hours ago, anatess2 said:

So, you're saying your husband doesn't do anything.... does he work?  Does he provide for the household?  If yes, then why did you not mention this as something your husband does?

Now, in my house, my husband can't do yardwork because he has a couple herniated discs in his back.  I don't want to do yardwork.  So what I do, I take $35/week out of his income to pay a yard guy to maintain my yard.  It is the exact same thing as my husband doing the yard.  Problem solved.

 

I did say that he only works and sleeps.

Paying someone else for yardwork would be great!....if it was an affordable option. Looks like you got a great deal. I looked into that and in my area it's out of my budget.

[No more love]

4 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

Have you read the Five Love languages book?  Do you know what you want from him, and what he wants from you

We have not read it, but I have read a summary of the languages. I told him that based on that my "language" is service and he said his is touch.

[No more love]

I don't know what to do. We have a temple marriage, going on 10 yrs. We have two young kids. It's just for the past several months especially I feel like I don't love my spouse anymore. I don't hate them; it's like being good friends with your roommate. I feel happier when it's just me and the kids. When they're around I feel indifferent, resentment, or irritated. I feel guilty about feeling this way.

I've tried spending time with them without the kids, I've expressed frustration at working and still doing both the all the child-rearing, housework, and yardwork, while he only works and sleeps. It's been that way for the entire relationship. I do all the house while he will occasionally help (and feels proud for cleaning once a month), I do all the yardwork because he "has allergies" (I do too), I take care of the vehicles, bills, doctors, school. The only thing he does with the kids is watch a show or do a video game.  We've talked about this before, and nothing ever changes or the change is temporary.

Adding in the mix: I have depression and anxiety and he has ADD.

Recently, he has done laundry and dishes for a week, and then expected everything to change and for me to want to be with him, got upset when I didn't want to. I haven't told him that I can't say "I love you" back because I don't feel honest saying it. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt the kids. 

I feel obligated to stay for my kid's sake, for my husband's feelings, for the church culture. I would be extremely embarrassed to mention this to the bishop. I don't really know him or feel comfortable around him. Part of me feels empty and not wanting to work on the marriage. What would you do?