Could you be having an emotional affair?

[Guest]

And I guess that's why we have a completely opposite view on this regard. Because, I don't live my life according to what other people think. Neither does my husband. It's bad enough to have to worry about what my husband thinks let alone have to worry about anybody else. I'm not American. If I have to worry about what Americans think about my cultural quirks, I'm going to go insane living in America. This is how I think about it - if my conscience is clear, what other people think is their own problem.

I'm going to have to mention this... I love Michael Jackson. And I really get his statement about spending time with the kids in the same room and it having nothing to do with anything sexual. The Americans who heard him say it - including Sean Hannity - said, that is just the epitome of inappropriate. Well, it never occured to MJ that it wasn't appropriate. He was going by pure non-sexual love for children. But, what other people choose to see it as, got him in big trouble, coupled with sharks who are after his money. I feel bad for him. Because, I've been in that same situation plenty of times - mostly in high school. Where people - mostly the females - completely mis-interpret my personality and start gossiping about it to other people painting me in this awful light. At least they haven't tried to sue me. All because they can't seem to understand that you can spend time with somebody without it having to do with anything even remotely close to sexual! All my close friends in high school were all guys... and guess why, because when I went to the all-girls school, these girls backstabbed me, pretended they were my best friends yet gossiped about me when my back was turned calling me a slut and all other kinds of names - all because I spend a lot of time with my older brother and his soccer team. I love soccer and I was his #1 fan! You think I should stop hanging out with the soccer team because other people would think it's inappropriate? Heck no! So, instead, I just continued to hang out with the guys - at least they understand what I'm all about.

[Heavenguard]

For most of my life, I got along with guys better than girls. I grew up as a tomboy, so... you know. Although my best friend for the last maybe 5, 6, 7 years of my life is a girl, sometimes in certain situations I still find more comfort and solace in some of my male friends when I'm feeling down and out. Of course, when I was still with my boyfriend, I always turned to him first. And now that we're no longer together, I turn to those guy friends. From years of friendship, they know I don't mean anything by it other than needing my friends.

Before I was dating my recent ex-boyfriend, I spent lots of time with my guy friends, with or without other guys, with or without other girls. I didn't expect him to change his relationships with his friends, be they guys or girls, and he didn't expect me to change mine. Now - he always knew that I was with them, and I'd tell him about my day and get him caught up in things, so he knew what we did, what we talked about. Likewise, he told me of those things too. I only see a problem when someone starts to seek out an opposite gender friend in place of their significant other.

But ruthiechan is right. One should not confide in a friend of opposite gender when there is trouble in the significant relationship. Towards the end of my recent relationship, when the guy was both physically and emotionally away, I was looking for comfort from my friends, and I suddenly found one of my male friends very attractive. Granted, we had something of a history, so it's not like it was entirely out of nowhere. But here was a guy who listened to me, and consoled me when my boyfriend wouldn't, and that attraction became very powerful. I decided I had to give everything to the relationship I was in, though, but the guy ended up ending it anyway. And now, that listening and comforting friend is still there to listen to me and comfort me, but just as suddenly as I thought he was attractive, he suddenly isn't anymore, now that the troubled relationship is gone. Even I thought that last bit strange, and still don't understand it, but that's how it happened.

Edited July 4, 2009 by Heavenguard

[Islander]

As adults, the viability of having a close friend of the opposite sex is dubious at best, if history teaches us anything. Love is basically feelings that arise out of intimacy, shared experiences and time. The truth is that once we have chosen a mate those relationships MUST give way to the marriage. If the two friends are also married there is a good chance that the two families can forge a solid and life long relationship. But there is no room for one-on-one time alone. That is a recipe for disaster sooner or later.

Women tend to be somewhat more naive, perhaps, or by nature more trusting. But no self respecting man would feel comfortable knowing that his wife is out with a "friend" that happens to be a guy. It seems counter intuitive.

[ruthiechan]

I have male friends. However, I must guard my heart very carefully and beware of my actions and words. Apparently I have a natural tendency to flirt. I wasn't so cautious before and it led to some serious issues with a friend who started having a thing for me. I must also say that I have to beware of my actions with lesbians as well. I thought of one lesbian coworker as just another girl and boy did she have a thing for me. >< If you have a homosexual friends of the same gender you have to think of them as opposite gender to prevent problems.