Battlestations... sort of.

[unixknight]

Hey all,

I've been away for a little while, being busy with a new job and a somewhat faster pace.

I posted on here in the past about the difficulties I was having with my ex-wife, who has left the Church and stopped raising the kids along the lines of Church standards. The changes she's made in her life have cost her the respect a lot of people, both members and non-members, had for her.

Last night I sent her an E-mail, as non-confrontational as I could, to let her know how people feel. There was a time when I was straying far from the path of righteousness and nobody in my life had the moral courage to come out and talk to me, and it seems the same thing has been happening to her so I spoke my peace, and pledged in the E-mail not to bring it up again. I even tried to be funny where I could to reinforce that the point of the message was not to lecture, but to inform.

Well early this morning I got a very confrontational phonecall from her new husband, who felt that the E-mail WAS meant solely to hurt her (He admitted to me that he'd only read parts of it.) He threatened to call my job and tell them things to get me fired, he threatened to tell my kids things to make me look bad, and called me a hypocrite because of my shady past.

I don't respond well to threats, but I kept my cool and told him I felt the threats were juvenile, and that if he wanted to discuss this rationally I'd be happy to, but that I wasn't going to waste time on a fight. Long story short:

The only part of the conversation that's really bothering me is that he accused me, by virtue of my teaching the kids to follow Church standards, of warping their minds. That I, for teaching them what the Lord expects of them, am the one being immoral. This has renewed my worries about what those kids are being taught, and what's being said about the Church. I really don't care what he tells them about me. My kids know me, good and bad, so that doesn't scare me. It's just that I now fear that this may have motivated him to a fresh round of anti-Church nonsense.

And I admit that maybe it's just that my faith in the kids is weak. It's one thing to disparage me. My kids know me, and they'd gain nothing by buying into his rhetoric. But if he beats up on the Church, thy gain things like not having to get up on Sunday, not having to guard their behavior around girlfriends/boyfriends, not worrying about the modesty of their clothing, etc.

I can do my best to set a good example but I only see them every other weekend. It isn't enough but I don't know what else to do.

In the E-mail I sent my ex, I invited her to go back to church, to mend her relationship with the kids and to regain what she had given up. I fear I have done more harm than good.

[lestertheemt]

Well........................I'm not sure what I can tell.

But you can still be a good example to your children when you are w/ them. You can answer their question when they arise. They will know by 'your fruits'.

[ryanh]

How is legal custody spelled out in your divorce decree? Do you two share legal custody (the right to make decisions regarding how the children are raised), or does she have sole legal custody? (note: I'm not asking about physical custody) If you have shared legal custody, you have rights to decide how they are raised, and I think you could make a stink in the legal system if their custodial parent, and her husband, are undermining your rights to have a say in how your children are raised. That might be something to look into to prevent further corruption of them. Oh, and check your state laws regarding recording phone conversations without the other party’s consent/knowledge. Documenting threats like what you recounted could go a very long way in defending yourself, your job, parental rights (or even getting sole custody), etc, etc. Seriously, such evidence could be extremely valuable.

One of my greatest fears for my two children that live with their mother is what future relationships she might enter into. I dread that I might ever face the dilemma and anguish you are dealing with.

Clearly, our Father in Heaven understands the feeling perfectly. He has it happen to Him continually as some of His children persuade others to rebel against Him. Seek out His guidance.

One quick quote that perhaps could provide some solace regarding your children:

Elder Niel A Maxwel stated in the Oct 1996 General Conference:

God thus takes into merciful account not only our desires and our performance, but also the degrees of difficulty which our varied circumstances impose upon us.

I fully believe that your children, should they fall, will be judged with greater mercy because of the stumbling blocks being placed in their path.

[unixknight]

We have shared custody with her having physical custody.

I'm very reluctant to go to the courts because that would escalate things beyond any possibility of an amicable solution. It may well be past that point already, but I'm not ready to admit that.

[ryanh]

It may, and it may not be at that point. But start getting your documenation in place in case it ever does come to that, and you need the evidence to show that your rights were being trampled on by vindictive parents using the kids as pawns. The courts will likely very much frown upon that, and just may change the pysical custody arrangements for the benefit of the children.