Curling Parents.

[Fiannan]

My wife calls spoiling kids "curling parents" -- it's the term (used in Sweden and Denmark) for parents who spoil their kids and never let them face life head on. It is named with the Euro game of curling in mind -- a rather boring game to watch where participants sweep obsticles out of the way of a big weight on ice to get it to go as far as it can.

Psychologist Alfred Adler (famous for starting the studies on birth order, the effects of the feeling of inferiority - inferiority complex - and coming up with the theory of compensation, often falsely credited to Freud) felt that spoiling a child was a form of abuse. Children who are spoiled grow up believing they are the center of the universe, that the world owes them something, and that the world should give and bow to the child like it's parents have done. Certainly not a good thing.

So why do people spoil children? Often to compensate for not spending time with them (and when both parents work, and have resources at their disposal the one or two children common in our society get pampered). Kids are getting fat, developing diabetes at an alarming rate, have a hard time committing to relationships once they are older and often have a hard time at self-discipline.

Do I like to give nice things to my kids? Certainly. However, I cannot buy them lots of junk food (like I had growing up) since that would require giving in to 7 kids. They get treats, but, unlike myself, they have to share and they get smaller portions than many kids their age. All are healthy, no obesity and do well in school. I believe that the greatest gift has been to give them brothers and sisters (something I did not have).

I have tried to teach my kids the value of money, but that it isn't the most important thing. When I took my son to China (he had to pay half the cost for his ticket) I remember sending him into the markets with 20 dollars and challenging him to buy as many pants (hey, they make them there, and they are cheap) as he could -- which I knew required a great deal of hagling over prices, one of my favorite activities when I am in countries where this is common. He had change when we regrouped and 4 pairs of good quality pants. He used and improved these skills and even talked a guy into selling him a decorative lamp that he did not want to sell from his diner. You may think such things are trivial, but these lessons stick -- maybe that's why kids from the 3rd. world are so good at negotiating sales.

I did the same thing with my oldest son when I took him to Russia. He recently graduated high school and seems extremely adept at getting work (he spent the summer working on a cruise ship and visint Europe, Latin America and Hawaii).

I guess if I won a lottery I still would try to keep the spoiling to a minimum. Toys, costly apparell, money whenever they want it...it may make us feel better about giving something to our children we might not have had, but then one must ask if we would be where we are today if our parents would have given us everything we wanted.

[Heather]

Have you read any of the love and logic books? They're my favorite parenting books I have ever come across. It's all about enjoying your children and raising them to take responsiblity for their actions. It's definately the path we are taking when it comes to raising our children.

[Fiannan]

I have to admit that my wife reads those kinds of books -- as a typical INTP (Jung personality test) I am the research type that likes to explore journals, texts, etc. However, sometimes I do allow myself to get out of analyzing the mysteries of life.

Yes, can you please provide a link to these books Heather ?

[Heather]

www.loveandlogic.com or go onto amazon.com. I think you will like the example on the inside cover about money. Here is the link, then you need to flip to the back cover to finish reading the example:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0891093117...621#reader-page

I went to a conference Jim Fay did here in SLC a few months back and really enjoyed it. You can sign up for a email newsletter from that site as well.

Here are two of my favorites from the past:

Let Them Figure It Out

Some day your kids are going to need to figure things out for themselves. Wouldn't it be unfortunate if they found themselves in a dangerous or tempting situation when they get their first opportunity?

Universities report that this is often the case. Young adults are known to speed dial their parents, hand the cell phone to officials and say, "Talk to my mom. She will straighten this out."

Don't pass up an opportunity to give your kids practice figuring things out for themselves while they are still young. It's tempting in this fast-paced world to do things that kids could do for themselves. It's quicker, we're pressed for time, and it feels so good to help them.

But the bad news is that many parents pass up opportunity after opportunity to say, "I bet you can figure that out. Give it a try, I'll be here later if you need some help." Those parents put their kids at risk for believing unstated messages that say, "I have to do this because you are not capable."

Jim Fay

Tough Teachers: Why Your Kids Need at Least One

While the vast majority of educators deserve great praise for their patience, care and competence, most of us have known at least one who scowled instead of smiled, yelled instead of whispered, and pointed out our weaknesses instead of our strengths.

As parents, it’s tempting to rescue our kids from such teachers — to demand that our kids be moved to another class.

My parents felt this temptation when I was in the third grade.

I still regard Mrs.___________(name deleted to protect the guilty) as one of the coldest, most negative and demanding people I’ve ever met.

She did me a great favor!

After the first week of school, my mom and dad patted me on the back and said, “You are so lucky. This year you’re going to learn how to do something that plenty of adults haven’t learned yet! This year you’re going to learn all about how to get along with really tough people. We will help you with ideas."

I wasn’t impressed!  But they were right!

When your kids meet Mrs. ____________, will you give them this gift…or steal it from them?

Thanks for reading!

Dr. Charles Fay

[pushka]

Jim Fay

Tough Teachers: Why Your Kids Need at Least One

While the vast majority of educators deserve great praise for their patience, care and competence, most of us have known at least one who scowled instead of smiled, yelled instead of whispered, and pointed out our weaknesses instead of our strengths.

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Whilst I agree that children/young adults ought to be taught the practicalities of life, dealing with people who are not 'so nice', learning how to cope financially and such, I do not agree that a teacher who scowles, yells and points out your weaknesses is teaching correctly. It is fine to chat in private about your difficulties in a particular subject, or general manners, however I don't see any benefit from being shouted at, scowled at or 'put down' in front of other classmates. I would say that this type of behaviour from the teacher would only teach the child that it is okay to respond to everyday situations in the same way, and would not teach them to react reasonably to confrontations/problems...it would cause a lot of resentment to build in that child instead of instilling confidence.

[Guest Member_Deleted]

Pushka :Whilst I agree that children/young adults ought to be taught the practicalities of life, dealing with people who are not 'so nice', learning how to cope financially and such, I do not agree that a teacher who scowles, yells and points out your weaknesses is teaching correctly.  It is fine to chat in private about your difficulties in a particular subject, or general manners, however I don't see any benefit from being shouted at, scowled at or 'put down' in front of other classmates.  I would say that this type of behaviour from the teacher would only teach the child that it is okay to respond to everyday situations in the same way, and would not teach them to react reasonably to confrontations/problems...it would cause a lot of resentment to build in that child instead of instilling confidence.

I agree with you Pushka!

[pushka]

Thanks Please! I was worried that some people might think I meant that there should never be any discipline at school, or teachers being firm or anything, but I do believe in firmness and discipline, I just don't believe in humiliating people or losing your temper when you're in a position of authority...

[Guest Member_Deleted]

Originally posted by pushka@Nov 10 2005, 08:36 PM

Thanks Please!  I was worried that some people might think I meant that there should never be any discipline at school, or teachers being firm or anything, but I do believe in firmness and discipline, I just don't believe in humiliating people or losing your temper when you're in a position of authority...

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I think teaching can only take place when there is mutual respect... without it... you get columbine high..

[pushka]

Originally posted by Please+Nov 11 2005, 03:38 AM-->

<!--QuoteBegin-pushka@Nov 10 2005, 08:36 PM

Thanks Please!  I was worried that some people might think I meant that there should never be any discipline at school, or teachers being firm or anything, but I do believe in firmness and discipline, I just don't believe in humiliating people or losing your temper when you're in a position of authority...

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I think teaching can only take place when there is mutual respect... without it... you get columbine high..

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I agree Please...

[Guest Member_Deleted]

Originally posted by pushka+Nov 10 2005, 08:45 PM-->

Originally posted by Please@Nov 11 2005, 03:38 AM

<!--QuoteBegin-pushka@Nov 10 2005, 08:36 PM

Thanks Please!  I was worried that some people might think I meant that there should never be any discipline at school, or teachers being firm or anything, but I do believe in firmness and discipline, I just don't believe in humiliating people or losing your temper when you're in a position of authority...

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I think teaching can only take place when there is mutual respect... without it... you get columbine high..

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I agree Please...

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I am afraid since the day of education... we have forgotten the value of honest talent...

I believe some people can be trained to teach... but if they don't have the talent or the love of the kids they teach... they will do more damage than good.

I literally sat across from a teacher my 2nd grader had at a parent teacher night... while she told me how much she hated my son...

I took him out of school that very week and have never darkened the door since...

[Heather]

I agree with you Puska...the problem is there are mean people in this world. If your boss scowls at you and never praises you, how will you deal with it? Call your mom and tell her to find you a new job or a new boss? That's what I believe the lesson is he is trying to teach. No matter what we do or where we go in life, at one point or another, we're going to have to deal with rude people. I had a seminary teacher who I thought was a complete jerk. He said somethings I didn't agree with and he treated some members of the class horribly. I never went to my parents; instead I went to the seminary president and told him I wanted to be moved to another class and the reasons why. I also wrote a letter to the seminary teacher who's class I left and told him exactly why I could no longer be a member of his class.

Please if that had happened to me at parent teacher conference, I think I would've had some very choice words to tell her and the principle and the school board.