Is The Singles Program Set Up Right?

[Fiannan]

I have several devout male friends who are in their early to mid 30s. In my ward one of my priesthood leaders urged me to help one of these guys in perhaps getting settled down and married. I think it would be good for these guys and they want to be married, but one of the problems I see for single (vever married males) divorced or widowed males in their 30s or even 40s is the setup of the singles program. I have to say it really lacks.

It's okay for most guys in their 20s. But when I was in a university ward I noticed that many guys got home from missions, finished school and then plucked some 19 or 20 year old out of the batch and got married. Women unmarried by, let's say, 24 or 25 were too old for most guys (the under 30s program is geared for the very young end) interests (too old for guys off missions who married right off and generally ignored by the "I'll be out of grad school at 28" group. Yet these women are too young for the over-30s activities.

I have talked to many, many guys who go to a few over-30s group activities and drop the idea real fast -- "Dear, you are the same age as my grandaughter" was a common greeting -- or there's a few cat women there one string short of a straight jacket. So the women are too old or kinda crazy (that includes the "My husband left me several years ago and that just proves men are slime" grouping).

Way I see it, the ideal marriage age is for the man to be a few years older. What would be wrong with splitting the singles program into three groupings -- one for the bubblegum chewers, one for the 25 - maybe 45 group and one for the 45 and older groupings. Or just have two with 25 the cutoff for the youngest group or just eliminate the age thing altogether?

One guy I know is 33, yet that would make him way too young for the older singles. This guy should be dating 20 - 33 year old women. Instead we lose women in their mid-20s who just wind up marrying guys they meet at work or lose 30-something guys who should be marryinging the mid-20s women in the Church but just give up and marry some 25 year old non-members.

Any observations on this?

[Aristotle]

When I met my husband at a stake fireside, I was the ward Young Special Interest leader (mind you, this was 25 yrs ago). At that time, the YSI activities were geared for the right age group (29+). Special Interest had their own group (older adults). For some strange reason, they combined the three into two groups. Thankfully, I got married and didn't have to get involved in the merging, because I think it alienated and discouraged alot of people from attending singles' activities. I wasn't too crazy about the dances anyway, as I saw some "butt holding" going on during slow dances. LOL Also, some of the stories I heard about why temple marriages ended sounded like something out of a horror show. My heart really goes out to the singles! (Been there, done that.)

- Mrs. A.

[Guest Syble]

My mother married at 39 without any group except those who attended dances for all ages. (singles only dances) In the early years there wasn't any grouping, I think it best to put out opportunities like dances where they can meet and choose their own age group naturally.

[Guest Monica]

Has he tried the online LDS dating service?

[Ray]

I became a member of the Church when I was 28, and single, later joining a YSA ward at 29, and then later becoming inactive after age 30, partly because I thought I should leave the YSA ward at age 30, partly because I was frustrated with the “meat market” mentality I saw in the YSA ward I attended, and partly because of some of my own faults and frustrations.

During my period of inactivity I occasionally attended SA wards and activities, but mostly family wards and activities, not too happy with SA wards and activities because I either felt too young to be there or didn’t feel enough motivation to get serious about being married to any of the people I saw there.

I then became totally active at age 40, primarily because I was interested in repairing my relationship with God, especially after going through a few major blunders while “looking for a wife”, later meeting the woman who became my wife after I had basically just turned everything over to the Lord, having Faith that He would find a wonderful woman for me to marry if that was truly His will.

So, after all of my experience with this issue, and now being joyously married to a woman more wonderful than I had ever imagined before, the advice I give to men looking for a wife is to STOP looking for a wife, while CONTINUING to attend all of the meetings that pertain to your particular walk of life, including attendance at all YSA or SA functions that you personally find to be a good use of your time, as well as all the Sunday block meetings and priesthood meetings and other meetings which you find valuable to your particular walk of life in the Church, having full assurance of the fact that all good single LDS women want to find a single man who is loyal to God and taking care of the responsibilities God has given him in his particular walk of life.

And btw, I didn’t attend any dances, apart from a few to find out what they were like, because dancing most of those dances I saw being danced at dances didn’t appeal to me in my particular walk of life, although I imagined being able to enjoy a few other types of dances with music more in line with the person I am in my particular walk of life if those opportunities had been made more available to me.

[Maureen]

...the advice I give to men looking for a wife is to STOP looking for a wife...

I met my husband when I wasn't even looking to date since I was already in a relationship.

My nephew had (pre-marriage) a very anti-dating attitude during high school and even after his mission. I think he found dating frustrating, so he put it on hold (while his parents worried for him). He was also quite oblivious to the opposite sex, so in his case, it was his now wife who was the go-getter. They met and got to know each other through HT. She would give him hints about wanting to date but he was clueless. She eventually had to just tell him how she felt, and in typical Mormon fashion they were married about 4 months later.

M.

[mom_of_jcchlsm]

not having been there myself, really, it sounds like Ray has the healthiest attitude here: improve yourself and do what you should be doing and HF will bring things together for you. Now, this may not work for a total recluse - you do have to interact with people a little in order to meet someone.

Maybe the cutoff age for ysa wards/activities should be 30 for females and 35 for males?

[Fiannan]

Maybe the cutoff age for ysa wards/activities should be 30 for females and 35 for males?

I think that might be wise.

Also, the internet is a good way to find people too. I know a guy who'se wife went kookie on him and left him. He was 37 and went on an LDS singles thing. He is into youthful things and looks a lot younger than he is, but was pretty straightforward in his profile too about age, interests and the like. He got hits (women wanting corespondance) from all over the world ranging in age from 21 - 35.

Maybe for many this is the most efficient way to find someone.