Activist Judge Cancels Christmas

[Guest Unorthodox]

From the Onion...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43438

Activist Judge Cancels Christmas

December 14, 2005

WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.

"In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this court finds Christmas to be unlawful," Judge Reinhardt said. "The celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesus—be it in the form of gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm feelings amongst families—is in violation of the First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded."

In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say "Merry Christmas." Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say "Happy Holidays" or "Felices Fiestas" if they wish to extend good tidings.

Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.

"Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year," Beloit, WI mall Santa Gene Ernot said as he was led away from his Santa's Village in leg irons. "Write to your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist judges. It's up to you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!"

Said Pvt. Stanley Cope, who tasered Ernot for his outburst: "We're fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The military has no choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge."

Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was met with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took down their holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and make merry.

"They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades," Fox News personality John Gibson said. "Even before this ruling, you couldn't hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to say it, America, but I told you so."

Gibson then went into hiding, vowing to be a vital part of the Christmas resistance that would eventually triumph and bring Christmas back to the United States and its retail stores.

The ban is not limited to the retail sector. In support of Reinhardt's ruling, Sen. Ted Kennedy, a Jew, introduced legislation that would mandate the registration of every Christian in the United States and subject their houses to random searches to ensure they are not celebrating Christmas.

"Getting rid of every wreath or nativity scene is not enough," Kennedy said. "In order to ensure that Americans of every belief feel comfortable in any home or business, we must eliminate all traces of this offensive holiday. My yellow belly quakes with fear at the thought of offending any foreigners, atheists, or child molesters."

America's children are bearing the brunt of Reinhardt's marginal, activist rulings.

"Why did the bad man take away Christmas?" 5-year-old Danny Dover said. "I made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I can't give it to her."

Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door, removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his homemade card underfoot.

A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow overruling the decision. So far, however, their efforts have been fruitless.

"Our hearts go out to the Americans this ruling affects," Sen. Chip Pickering (R-MS) said. "If it's any condolence, I wish you all a Happy Holidays, which, I'm afraid, is all I'm legally allowed to say at this time."

[Dror]

That's hilarious!

[prisonchaplain]

That's hilarious!

The Onion mocked news when mocking news wasn't cool.

On a serious note--this in from USA Today/Harris Poll/Gallup

62% of Americans say stores shouldn't change greetings from Merry Christmas to Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings.

3% of Americans say they're bothered when stores specifically refer to the Christian holiday.

[lisajo]

Jesus gave words of wisdom and faith so did MLK well we have MLK b-day off why not Jesus too!

[Aristotle]

The Onion mocked news when mocking news wasn't cool.

On a serious note--this in from USA Today/Harris Poll/Gallup

62% of Americans say stores shouldn't change greetings from Merry Christmas to Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings.

3% of Americans say they're bothered when stores specifically refer to the Christian holiday.

We greeted everyone at Christmastime with a big smile and a heartfelt "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Everyone responded in kind. Perhaps those being polled were non-Christians. LOL

Outlawing Christmas and the greeting thereof will never hold up in court...it's a First Amendment right.

[Guest Unorthodox]

I believe this article is making the statement that no judge has the power to really cause a significant threat to Christmas.

Its report of this occurring is meant to be satire, as such an event would never occur.

The joke is made absolutely clear in this paragraph:

"They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades," Fox News personality John Gibson said. "Even before this ruling, you couldn't hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to say it, America, but I told you so."

The fact that we DO hear Christmas songs on the radio and in department stores every year tells me that The Onion meant this statement by Gibson to be ironic, showing conservatives (Fox News) fears to be illogical.

[Aristotle]

We know that you know that they know that we know. ;-)

[Laureltree]

We know that you know that they know that we know. ;-)

HU???????

[Aristotle]

[Guest Syble]

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We know that you know that they know that we know. ;-)

HU???????

I love this guy!!!

[Sugarbay]

<div class='quotemain'>

We know that you know that they know that we know. ;-)

HU???????

Now where do you find that?