Ask Dr. Elia: How can I best help my husband overcome online porn? Part 1

[Hemidakota]

Credit: Mormontimes

EXCERPT: You're right in that over the years I have worked with many Internet addicts as well as their spouses. You pose a great question, and the truth is that there isn't a "one size fits all" answer. First off, I like the fact that you know this is not your problem to solve. Far too many women feel like if they could somehow have done things differently, for example if they dressed sexier or were more available in the bedroom, then their husbands wouldn't be looking at pornography. There are also many husbands who will try to make their wives feel responsible for the issue. It is one of the symptoms of addiction for the addict to try and blame someone else for their problems.

I cannot count the times I've heard this, but when I first meet with someone struggling with this particular addiction, their typical reasoning is, "Well if my wife and I had more sex together, I wouldn't be tempted!" Now let me set the record straight, once and for all! This is the BIGGEST excuse in the world, and there's NO truth to it! For every addict who claims lack of adequate sex with his wife is the reason behind his addiction, I can point out many more who may not have the best intimate life with their spouse but do NOT seek out pornography. For those who wish to blame their spouse for their acting out, their denial of taking personal responsibility quickly comes to an end by answering this question: "Did you ever look at pornography before you ever met your wife?" The answer is always a resounding, "Yes, I did!" So their issue has nothing to do with their spouse or lack of enough sex. The problem rests entirely and only with the addict.

LINK: Ask Dr. Elia: How can I best help my husband overcome online porn? Part 1 | Mormon Times

[Hemidakota]

EXCERPT: The first common reaction is one of utter shock and disbelief, with feelings of betrayal that are often accompanied by tremendous anger toward the husband. Initially, this may seem like a harsh or detrimental approach (and at times it can be), but it's important to note that the anger expressed is a direct byproduct of deep hurt. For years, these wives have believed that they had a good marriage, and even if things were not exactly perfect, they'd never imagined that pornography would invade their home and/or marriage. Feelings of inadequacy soon follow. I cannot count the number of times when women have shared with me how inferior they feel to the "women images" their husbands are looking at. The phrase, "I can't compare with them …" is often accompanied by tears of sorrow and helplessness.

Let me emphasize that these feelings and reactions are perfectly normal. The problem arises when the women remain emotionally stuck there. In other words, their anger turns into resentment and creates an even bigger wedge in the relationship. In this case, if the husband wants to overcome his addiction, he will have to do it without the support of his spouse. Unfortunately, even bringing up that he might be tempted stirs up all these negative feelings and creates more hurt. Oftentimes, the wife becomes a "detective" within the marriage, going through e-mails, cell phone numbers, her husband's clothes … looking for clues of his continuing addiction. This type of co-dependency is hurtful both to her and her addicted husband. I would highly recommend for these wives to get some professional help for themselves to learn how to best take care of themselves as their husbands try to overcome this terrible addiction, and to work through all these negative — but legitimate — feelings. The goal is for them is to ultimately move beyond the anger and closer to forgiveness. It's definitely not easy, but in the end it will be worth it for both parties.

The second group reacts to the news differently. After the initial shock subsides, they tell their husbands that this behavior will not be tolerated. Often the statement that follows is, "Get the help you need and get this problem fixed once and for all! This is your problem, and you have to fix it. If you need to go to groups or counseling or meet with the bishop, I'll support you, but I don't want to know anything about it." It's the approach of "leave me out of it," but the support exists in a more passive way. Often these wives have a healthier view of themselves and don't get caught up in the comparisons. They place their focus on their children and their callings and sort of leave their husbands to do the recovery work. They don't ask a lot of questions, but they support them through prayers and by taking care of things on the home front. Discussions about the addiction and or progress are few and far between.

LINK: Ask Dr. Elia: How can I help my husband overcome online porn? Part 2 | Mormon Times