Marriage Emergency: Don't know where to turn

[annonymous]

Advice on helping a wife who want's nothing to do with you to open up enough to start the forgiveness of trust issues again?

Edited January 3, 2011 by annonymous

[Gwen]

http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/25622-resources-links-your-marriage.html

might consider this one?

the movie "fireproof" and the book that inspired it "the love dare" often get suggested, here is the official site... Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com

[captmoroniRM]

Have you told your wife these things instead of random people on an online forum? How about your Bishop? Are you trying to quit Pornography because it offends your wife, or that it offends God (there is a big difference)?

The conflict you need resolved lies between you and the Lord, and you and your wife, and not us strangers. If you want to rebuild the trust with your wife, involve her with your efforts to repair your relationship with God. Be completely honest and open with her. Decide together what safeguards you are going to employ. At the same time, with pornography you need to be working with your Bishop. He represents the Lord as a judge in Israel and will help guide you through the repentance process.

[annonymous]

Have you told your wife these things instead of random people on an online forum? How about your Bishop? Are you trying to quit Pornography because it offends your wife, or that it offends God (there is a big difference)?

The conflict you need resolved lies between you and the Lord, and you and your wife, and not us strangers. If you want to rebuild the trust with your wife, involve her with your efforts to repair your relationship with God. Be completely honest and open with her. Decide together what safeguards you are going to employ. At the same time, with pornography you need to be working with your Bishop. He represents the Lord as a judge in Israel and will help guide you through the repentance process.

Yes I have learned that I need to completely open with her so that we can resolve this and have been. But sometimes not right away- causing the problem.

I have been seeking counseling and talking to the bishop. Now I need to do it on my own because she doesn't want to deal with me any more.

I truly want to involve her in my efforts, and didn't do that well enough before I'm learning. I want to find a way to have her want to be involved i the process again.

Thank you for your help.

[bert10]

The heart can be affected in love for you....only by "Unconditional Love" it is the power of GOD.

I do not know what is in store for your wife. You cannot change your wife heart by force or others things that the world Teach.

You can only change yourself and be an example to her and to other people around you.

What is "Unconditional Love" It is kindness of thoughts and actions and words regardless of what your wife do to you or do not do for you.

Your wife has nothing to do to gain this "Love". She is entitled to it because she is your wife. This type of Love cannot earned but can only be given as a gift while expecting nothing in return.

IF you get angry....by your wife attitudes and doings...then you cannot be living "Unconditional Love". I did not say that you cannot be hurt..but do not let it go to anger which is darkness.

Consecrate your hurt to GOD...and let God deal with it.

-----------------------------------------

This stuff takes time to learn how to live it and it takes time to change the heart of a loved one by it.

The course LOVE DARE...seems to be a quick start in it. Check out the movie "Fireproof" It will help.

Think about it......It is very hard to leave someone who loves unconditionally. A person who accepts you just as you are...and does not seek to impose changes by force or by conditions. Forgiveness and mercy is easily given by someone who lives "Unconditional Love" and also Thanksgiving and praise to GOD for whatever is causing us hurt and pain comes easily for these.

The power of faith thru Love is what GOD taught. IF you do the above Faith and Love will come in your heart and then you can work on others.

bert10

Advice on helping a wife who want's nothing to do with you to open up enough to start the forgiveness of trust issues again?

Edited January 3, 2011 by bert10

[rameumptom]

How recent did she learn about the deception? You will probably just have to give her time to sort things out in her own life. This may take months or years for her to even begin. Trust is not an easy thing to restore, and devastated feelings can take a long time to heal.

What can you do? Pray for her. Focus on changing your own life around. Be there for her when she needs things. Start earning her trust again.

In the end, what she does will be up to her. And you must allow her to arrive there in her own time.

[Guest mormonmusic]

The answer I got from a respected marriage counselor (not that I ever betrayed trust, but my wife did withdraw from our relationship for a while, emotionally, threated divorce, and I had to dig myself out of the hole) worked for me.

You have to figure out what her biggest emotional needs are. Then, you have to meet them consistently and handsomely over and over again. Expect continued rejection for some time -- in my case, three months, until she comes around again. It's a very lonely, uncertain place, believe me, because you don't know if she's ever going to come around. My wife did and we are back on track again. But I was kicking myself the whole time I was in that situation because boy, was it EVER a lot of work. And she didn't lift a finger to meet my needs that whole time. I was totally one-sided, but I stuck with it and she loves me again.

By the way, I think you can get a lot of valuable advice from this forum and from complete strangers. In fact, you can open up here about things you can't do easily in real life. You are among friends in my view.

[earthquakedude]

tough spot, i have been in that situation for eight years with my wife pulling away and a relationship of unknown status with a known adulter next door, she spends more time with him then me!

ground is shakey and lonely.

pray alot and even in the car on the way to and from work. he will listen and calm your heart. he (Heavenly father can take you being mad too.

he loves you and knows you well. be open he all ready knows your heart and every thought

exercising the atonement in this case is hard, but it works and for the sake of my kids i keep plugging along. The blocks will continue from time to time. change your habits and lifestyle but dont run her over with righteousness

you are blessed to have a caring wife willing to work with you!!!!!

[bert10]

Advice from MormonMusic is good.

"Unconditional Love" is also good and will fulfill all of that and more. It will also help you deal with Jealousies, anger issues. This coupled with praising and thanking GOD for the hurt and pain.... will bring the power of GOD in your life. This could be a scary thing as GOD will act in His own way.

It is okay to say to the Lord that you want your wife back. That you are praising Him and thanking because you want to turn a negative into a positive. And that you know that God is permitting it to happen and that you love God and you know that it will work out for your good regardless of how it will end.

Again there is not a problem in admitting to the Lord in a prayer that you are hurt and want your wife back. That you are not using Praising and thanking Him in order to get your will done. But His will be done.

For example...when she goes over to her friends house...PRaise and thank GOD for your hurt because she is dishonoring you and rebelling against you and praise and thank GOD that it will work for your good. Do this as long as she is gone...or everything your thoughts turn to it.

For me when I did this....my wife's car slid into a snowbank and when she tried to push it out...she severely strained her chest muscles front and also the back. This put her out of commission for almost six weeks.

This bought me time for her to see me as I am. As I am doing my best all the time to live "Unconditional Love". Whenever there was conflict and anger it came from her end...and I responded by using "Unconditional Love" which many times left her with no place to go. People need to be justified and so starting an argument is one way for a spouse to soothe their conscience and then go out and do what is wicked. But if you leave them with no place to go...the condemnation is returned on their head increased a hundred fold for the pain and hurt they do to you.

Remember a law of heaven is ...everything we do to another is returned on our head for good or evil increased a hundred fold.

It is easy for a person to be headstrong, proud and independent and have false philosophies when everything is relatively going okay in one's life. It is another thing when God gets involved in the details of our life.

Thanking and praising is a prayer that can become a constant prayer the more we do it. It becomes automatic after a while. We not just thank and praise GOD for what we think are good things in our lives, we do it for everything else. Even when we get a red light we praise and thank GOD or when someone gives us the finger on the highway, get my drift? Who knows if that red light prevented us from a big crash down the road and so on.

Praising and thanking GOD will bring our situation constantly before His face...and trust me sooner or later God will do something, just so you will thank Him and praise Him for other things.

"Unconditional Love" will work at changing yourself first. And it is something you give without being acknowledged or being thanked. It must be a gift. It manifest itself by service, patience and increase love for your spouse even when they do things that are hurtful. This love has no end. And if GOD deems that you are to have another companion...He will bring about the conditions for it. This Love does not end for your wife even if you divorce...and since it is "limitless" you will be able to love your new companion if such become the case without your former love dying. It works this way..the Trickle will become a stream in time and the stream will become a mighty river. That is right unconditional Love is also called Living waters.

That is how GOD can still love a man who fall and enter into sin. And this also how we can still love a person who gives us hurt and pain.

There is another thing you can do to quick start this...I saw the Christian movie "Fire proof" and in it the person in order to save his marriage did a course called "Love dare" I believe that is what it is called. I have researched some of it...and it has some good ideas. Which would fall under "Unconditional Love" And this could be a quick start for you.

bert10

tough spot, i have been in that situation for eight years with my wife pulling away and a relationship of unknown status with a known adulter next door, she spends more time with him then me!

ground is shakey and lonely.

pray alot and even in the car on the way to and from work. he will listen and calm your heart. he (Heavenly father can take you being mad too.

he loves you and knows you well. be open he all ready knows your heart and every thought

exercising the atonement in this case is hard, but it works and for the sake of my kids i keep plugging along. The blocks will continue from time to time. change your habits and lifestyle but dont run her over with righteousness

you are blessed to have a caring wife willing to work with you!!!!!

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Yes I have learned that I need to completely open with her so that we can resolve this and have been. But sometimes not right away- causing the problem.

I have been seeking counseling and talking to the bishop. Now I need to do it on my own because she doesn't want to deal with me any more.

I truly want to involve her in my efforts, and didn't do that well enough before I'm learning. I want to find a way to have her want to be involved i the process again.

Thank you for your help.

Expect to go this alone. That is the brutal truth and realization that you have to come to.

Face it, why would you expect to have something to do with someone after you are told they were:

1) Unfaithful to you

2) Desired "Fantasy Women" rather than your own flesh

3) Make you feel unwanted, unwelcomed, and unattractive.

Quite honestly, I am sick of people posting in this forum for advice with the clitched statement of "I want HER to participate in my recovery process".

The fact of the matter is this - The only person who needs to participate in the recovery process is the person who did the damage to begin with.

Yes, we must seek the forgiveness of those we have hurt, attempt to make restitution for the things we have done (which is why Sexual transgression is a major condemnation because there is no restitution of infidelity, or extramarital affairs).

As stated before, the reality is that you have to do this on your own. When you start living your life in accordance with the gospel principles and commandments is when you might start seeing her come around.

The number one thing a husband has to come to the realization is this: When you destroy a woman's faith, trust, and heart in you and your relationship, it is like the sinking of the Titanic. The damage is done and all you have going is the inevitable destruction. Very few due come out collectively and stronger as a husband and wife. And, just as much as you have to make your amends, peace, and walk your own path of repentance, she has to go through the grieving process herself, and her own healing. Asking her to participate in your recovery without recognizing that she has her own emotions to recover, and her own journey through the shipwreck you caused is asking a victim of a crime to help the armed robber with his weekly counseling objectives.

[annonymous]

The answer I got from a respected marriage counselor (not that I ever betrayed trust, but my wife did withdraw from our relationship for a while, emotionally, threated divorce, and I had to dig myself out of the hole) worked for me.

You have to figure out what her biggest emotional needs are. Then, you have to meet them consistently and handsomely over and over again. Expect continued rejection for some time -- in my case, three months, until she comes around again. It's a very lonely, uncertain place, believe me, because you don't know if she's ever going to come around. My wife did and we are back on track again. But I was kicking myself the whole time I was in that situation because boy, was it EVER a lot of work. And she didn't lift a finger to meet my needs that whole time. I was totally one-sided, but I stuck with it and she loves me again.

By the way, I think you can get a lot of valuable advice from this forum and from complete strangers. In fact, you can open up here about things you can't do easily in real life. You are among friends in my view.

Thank you mormon music. I started this post with describing the whole situation in detail and even confessed transgressions... Another poster advised that it was too much dirty laundry so I erased it all and left this instead. I was desperate and looking of help.

Things are becoming better ans she says it's up to me (if the relationship lasts).

I just need to be diligent and proof myself without forgetting the hurt i caused and remember to not be selfish and to communicate more.

[annonymous]

tough spot, i have been in that situation for eight years with my wife pulling away and a relationship of unknown status with a known adulter next door, she spends more time with him then me!

ground is shakey and lonely.

pray alot and even in the car on the way to and from work. he will listen and calm your heart. he (Heavenly father can take you being mad too.

he loves you and knows you well. be open he all ready knows your heart and every thought

exercising the atonement in this case is hard, but it works and for the sake of my kids i keep plugging along. The blocks will continue from time to time. change your habits and lifestyle but dont run her over with righteousness

you are blessed to have a caring wife willing to work with you!!!!!

good point about running over with righteousness... even though I want and need to change, it's ME who needs to do the work on myself.

[annonymous]

Expect to go this alone. That is the brutal truth and realization that you have to come to.

Face it, why would you expect to have something to do with someone after you are told they were:

1) Unfaithful to you

2) Desired "Fantasy Women" rather than your own flesh

3) Make you feel unwanted, unwelcomed, and unattractive.

Quite honestly, I am sick of people posting in this forum for advice with the clitched statement of "I want HER to participate in my recovery process".

thanks for the frankness and advice. I appreciate the help and honesty. It helps

[annonymous]

http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/25622-resources-links-your-marriage.html

might consider this one?

We watched it together! and it helped a lot I think... Too bad I can't do the love dare without her knowing exactly what I'm doing.

[Gwen]

We watched it together! and it helped a lot I think... Too bad I can't do the love dare without her knowing exactly what I'm doing.

you can still do it. can also do your own version. read the 5 love languages book (i'm sure someone suggested it). figure her's out and do it. might be better if she is telling you exactly what her language is but with some thought and prayer you can probably get pretty close. the point is that you take care of her. when you break trust you must earn that back.