Contacting an ex

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I have been happily married in the Temple for 3 years. My husband is really one of the kindest guys there is. I love him dearly, but also recognize that I married him for practical reasons. I knew he would be able to provide for me and a future family in addition to being a strong Priesthood leader.

Before we got married, I dated a guy for almost 2 years. I was head over heels in love with him, but sent him off on a mission. He was a good guy, but education was not as important to him as it was for me. I had doubts about his ability to be a leader and provider, despite how much I loved him. When he was gone, I realized that he may not be the best guy for me. I slowly let our contact die and I married while he was gone. We never had real closure. No Dear John letter was sent. We haven't seen or spoken to each other since.

I have no doubt that my husband is the better guy for me, even though I may not have been as crazy in love with him. But lately my ex-boyfriend has just been on my mind and showing up in dreams, as he has from time to time throughout the past few years. He isn't married, and I have strong desire to contact him and let him know that I hope he is happy in life. I have no intention of rekindling anything or reliving the past. I guess I am really just seeking closure. I know that I really broke his heart and I want him to know that I didn't do it because I just didn't care about him. Is this a bad idea?

I am going to give you an advice that had come from an unlikely source, at a very unlikely time.

You are going to have to give yourself permission to let him go.

I know, sounds very strange. However, these dreams you are having, this closure you are wanting to seek, the desire to contact him, all are signs that you yourself have not allowed to let go. He most likely has moved on and forgotten about you. Your dreams are a manifestation of things you desire. You still desire those feelings you shared with him, or had with him and are, for whatever reason, not allowing yourself to have and share fully with your husband.

For me, I was in a very bad situation. I would not let this girl go (in my heart and mind). I went out "hunting for her" because I wanted "closure" for myself. I wanted to know why, how come, and sought healing for my broken heart. I gave her all my heart and soul. Never had I before given myself over to someone like this. It was also a time when I was away from my church and not living a life so pleasant.

One night, sitting at a bar with fellow friends and co-workers (one of them being friends with my ex) we were talking about her. I started breaking down and he looked at me and said "You need to get a grip," his partner (they both are gay) at the time took me aside and sat me down. He looked me in the eye and said "You need to give yourself permission to let her go, because if you do not, you are going to be heading down a very dark road and you will not be able to come back from it," he hugged me, and left me to my thoughts.

I went home and did just that. When I woke the next morning, the Sun shining, the birds chirping, and the world going about its daily business. I sat there on my bed, broke down crying like many times before and then got myself together.

I pictured her sitting right there in front of me and I spoke confidently and clearly that I finally was over the hurt, the pain, and gave myself permission to let her go.

The greatest burden was lifted up from me and from that day forward, I walked with my head held high, not worrying about how she was doing, where she was.

Years later (when I had met my now wife) we somehow found each other and she called me. I was no longer attracted to her, I had gotten over her and was able to really tell her goodbye. She never contacted me again, and I her.

The moral of the story here is that until you give yourself permission to let this person go, you are still going to hold onto it. You are still going to compare your husband to this person. You are going to even doubt your feelings toward your husband. Until you give yourself permission to let go, you will always wonder "what if," and it will ruin what you currently have going on right now.

The only real closure you need in your life is to sit down and give yourself permission to let this person go.

[MrBallroom]

WAKE-UP CALL ALERT! You cut him loose over doubts you had regarding his ability to be a leader and provider, and now that you found someone you DO love nad have since married, you want to reconnect with this almost-ran?

HELLO?!? HELLO?!? ANYONE HOME?!?

Remember, you cut this first guy loose for a REASON!! You made the right choice by marrying the guy you have now...the keeper! DO NOT REESTBLISH CONTACT in this case!

CLOSURE is a myth; almost nothing good comes from it!

Grow up! Get Over it or risk losing everything!

[ADoyle90815]

I'm with the others in saying Do Not Contact him, as an ex is an ex for a reason and you're better off without him. After all, you did get married, so that shows that you've moved on.