How do you ever really forgive yourself?

[Torn]

A year ago, I had an affair. I confessed to my husband and my bishop, went through my repentance process and trusted the bishop and his council when they came to the decision that I was forgiven, even though I had not forgiven myself. Life went on, my marriage has survived though not without a lot of pain and anger, but we are working through it.

It's been six months now since my last council. I read my scriptures and pray daily. I attend all my church meetings and regularly attend the temple. But I still feel horribly guilty for what happened, not just what I did to my own husband, but to someone else's wife. I did something to her I can never ever take back.

My bishop told me to write her a letter and I did, though she never received it because her husband didn't want her to see it. She knows what happened, only because my husband told her. What she has chosen to believe, I do not know. What has become of them, I do not know. I have tried to let this go and I have left them alone, as has my husband since he "broke the news to her".

But the thing I just can't do is forgive myself. I don't know how. Everyone, including my husband, our bishop and my therapist tell me I'm doing everything right, just be patient. I'm running out of patience. I know it's the adversary holding me back... what else can I do?

[ZionWoman]

Tricky. It's a difficult thing to forgive yourself. I struggled a lot before I was married and had some things to repent of. I felt horribly guilty and unworthy for a long time. Once, when it was time for my temple recommend to be renewed, I couldn't do it. I had to tell a new bishop everything again and that I didn't feel I could forgive myself. He asked me to take some time to really think about my repentance. Was I being totally honest about everything? I took some time and prayed a lot. Sometimes we can't move on because we aren't being totally honest about our feelings. This may not be the case with you and if it isn't just give yourself time.

You also have to recognize that you are only human. You have weaknesses. It has been said that everyone struggles with something. This is your struggle. I had to remove myself completely from the things that used to go hand in hand with my struggle. If this means that you can't be close friends with men then maybe that's what you need to eliminate. The looming chance that it might happen again is something that held me back from forgiving myself because I felt that I could fall again at any moment. I was that weak in that area. I had to pray and ask the Lord to make it a strength and show me how. I can honestly say now that this area is a real strength for me. It took a lot of work and a lot of tears, soul searching and very tough decisions but I made it through. Someone also once told me that you will have to go through Gethsemane and back before it is over. That was true for me.

Keep doing everything you should be. Ask HF for strength to forgive yourself and it will come. It took me years. Be patient.