Bad past, uncertain future.

[lokilost]

I am 19. I left home less than a week after turning 18 because I had mentally and physically abusive parents. I suffer from severe mental emotional trauma because of what I went through during my childhood.

After trying and failing to live on my own and care for myself, I finally agreed that for my own safety, it was best to move in with my boyfriend, so that he could help make sure I was safe and taking care of myself.

When I decided to join the LDS church, he met with the missionaries, and later the mission president to explain that he would be respecting my decision, and we would not violate any of the covenants I would make. After this meeting, the mission president decided that I could be baptized, and I was baptized this past Sunday.

As I mentioned earlier, I have severe mental/emotional trauma. I can't hold down a job or attend school. The state I live in won't give health insurance/food/etc. help those under age 21 unless they provide their parents contact information, because the state has rules saying that the parents are financially responsible for me until I am age 21. I can't/won't give them my parents contact information because of my history with my parents and the danger it might put me in. My parents, for the record, live in another state.

My boyfriend is wonderfully supportive, he provides me with a place to live, and does everything he can to make sure that I am safe and never alone during a meltdown or emotional episode. He takes care of my food, my clothing and personal needs etc. He respects my decision to join the church, and is supportive of 'anything that makes me this happy' We have plans to marry in late 2013, and are extremely happy together.

Unfortunately, however, he's rather....um...anti-religious. He makes fun of the church, and religion in general. He doesn't understand why I would choose the LDS church, why I would want to follow the teachings of the church, or why they are important to me. He is dead set against raising any future children we might have in the church, thinking childhood indoctrination to be 'borderline criminal'.

I don't know what to do. I love him very much, and I know he loves me. Besides that, I have nowhere else to go, no means to provide for myself, and can't really even do the basics of caring for myself.

Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

[slamjet]

He respects my decision to join the church, and is supportive of 'anything that makes me this happy' We have plans to marry in late 2013, and are extremely happy together.

Unfortunately, however, he's rather....um...anti-religious. He makes fun of the church, and religion in general. He doesn't understand why I would choose the LDS church, why I would want to follow the teachings of the church, or why they are important to me. He is dead set against raising any future children we might have in the church, thinking childhood indoctrination to be 'borderline criminal'.

I'm sorry, I'm confused. Which is it? If he's really respectful of your choice, then he wouldn't be teasing you about it.

[lokilost]

You can tease someone and still respect their personal choice. For instance, you can make fun of someone for liking a certain food, but still buy it for them because you know they like it, or you can make fun of a religion in private, and tease someone about joining, but still show up to their baptism, and still accept that it is important to them, etc.

[LocalFarms]

Sometimes those of us who are abused in the extreme, fail to notice lesser (though still destructive) forms of abuse.

[Guest]

Hi loki. First things first...

Are you seeing a professional to help you with your psychological condition? I'm only saying this because such extreme dependency is crippling and limits your choices drastically.

Unfortunately, we can't really change another person - we can encourage them to change, but they have to change on their own. Therefore, you can't really expect your boyfriend's attitudes towards the church to change. The only thing you can do is decide what you can and can't accept and move from there. Unfortunately, because of your crippling dependency on him, you are forced to accept anything he dishes out. You will have to really think hard on how this would affect your testimony. He sounds like a nice guy - talking to him about your religious convictions is paramount. If he is completely against your children going to church with you, then you can't really force it on him. You can try to strike for a compromise - for example, even if they don't go to church, then at least ask him if he would agree to constant visits from missionaries and home/visit teachers and the kids attending church activities such as Activity Days/Scouts, Seminary, etc. And, a major thing, that he can agree to not putting a negative light on the church to the kids - have the kids decide for themselves if they want to go to church or not.

I have to say loki, I know you are suffering and that it is very real. But, you can rise above the shadow of your parents. There comes a time when we have to stop blaming our parents for all our misfortunes and start taking responsbility for the direction your life will take. In your case, this might only happen if you seek professional help. See if you can work on gaining independence - that is, be able to take after yourself. Because, with your condition, I don't think it is wise to add children to the mix. It is not fair to your husband to have him take care of all of you - you and the children included. Because, if something ever happens to him, you are all in danger.

Hope this helps some.

[slamjet]

Sometimes those of us who are abused in the extreme, fail to notice lesser (though still destructive) forms of abuse.

I realize that, I'm answering the question to illicit self evaluation. There was a time I was in the same boat. But I had to, like Loki needs to, understand that we're worth so much more than to be teased and controlled like that. If there is to be a healthy give and take about this topic, they need to sit down and discuss boundaries and acceptable behavior when it comes to this topic.

[lokilost]

@anatess:

As I mentioned in my original post, the state I live in won't help anyone under age 21 without trying to make the parents provide the help first. That means I can't get any form of professional help until at least late 2012.

In the mean time, I'm doing the best I can on my own, working on learning knew coping skills and building my independence in steps. For instance, using music, I can regulate my emotions well enough to go out grocery shopping alone, and I'm currently attempting to use google calendar to help create a routine so that I can practice taking care of certain things on my own. I can't work or attend school, but I still study on my own, and try to learn new skills that might help me have a better future.

I've forgiven my parents for what they did, I know it wasn't their faults, my father had severe mental issues from the Vietnam war, and my mother was emotionally abused as a child. Any children wouldn't be until I was sure I wouldn't continue the cycle, but I feel the church would be an important part of me not repeating my parents mistakes.

[GeneC]

The whole purpose of the Gospel is Family. If you base a marriage, as it were, outside of the Gospel with the distinct possibility that any children would be prevented from participating in the Gospel it would seem to be counter productive. It might sound feasible and ok in the short term but as time goes on you will most likely want a family in the Gospel and would probably resent your boyfriends actions. This would result in much more mental stress and frustration then you are already experiencing now.

Quick question, how is it the Mission President is giving the ok for Baptism when you are living with your Boyfriend? I'm not sure I understand that one.

[lokilost]

If there is to be a healthy give and take about this topic, they need to sit down and discuss boundaries and acceptable behavior when it comes to this topic.

We did sit down and discuss it, because originally I was afraid of being judged by him and didn't tell him. Then he found out, and we agreed that he would respect me, my friends, my choices, and be supportive, but he would still make fun of the religion itself. I found this to be acceptable, because I understand the issues he has with religion.

We agree that many times organized religion can do more harm than good, and that when one tries to impose their morals on society, it often leads to trouble.

However, we separate at I think these problems are mostly caused by the influence of humans and false religions, and that the LDS church is true. I believe that on an individual level, if one personally follows the teachings, and chooses a stance of loving everyone as the Lord would have us do, and avoiding judging others, then religion is much more positive than negative.

My boyfriend disagrees, but respects that opinion and my choice. He doesn't however, respect the church or religion as a whole. Does this make more sense now?

[slamjet]

My boyfriend disagrees, but respects that opinion and my choice. He doesn't however, respect the church or religion as a whole. Does this make more sense now?

To a point. I wouldn't accept teasing for a decision I made. It's belittling my choice. If he truly respects your decision in becoming a member, then he will respect you enough to not use that decision for his own amusement. It's destructive.

[lokilost]

Quick question, how is it the Mission President is giving the ok for Baptism when you are living with your Boyfriend? I'm not sure I understand that one.

Because a) I can't take care of myself b) there isn't another option and c) my boyfriend and I met with the president and both agreed that we would follow all the covenants I would make when baptized.

Basically, the missionaries met with the president and told him of my situation, and so he came and met with us, and once we promised we understood and would respect the covenants and rules, he told the missionaries he felt I could be baptized. I was baptized on Sunday.

We aren't living together so that we can engage in certain activities, we're living together because I have such severe emotional episodes, and I am so incapable of taking care of myself that it's dangerous for me to live alone.

[GeneC]

I understand and wasn't trying to judge - just understand the Gospel more. I'm glad for the Gospel's compassion and understanding. I wish you the very best and now I encourage you to fast and pray yourself to your goal of a Gospel family (if that's what you are desiring). Bless you. TGFR

[Guest]

We need some input from JAG here on the legal stuff...

I'm thinking that you can get emancipation from your parents from your abusive history. That means, you can be free and clear of them and that includes being able to seek professional help on your own without your parents being notified/having to approve. The church can help you with the expenses - they even have LDS Social Services that have these types of professionals working for them.

I did a quick google search and here's the first info I found on teen emancipation:

A Teenager's Guide To Emancipation

Another question - is there a specific reason why you need to wait until so far in the future to get married? Why not get married now? That will give you a swift emancipation from your parents and your husband can send you to a doctor to seek immediate help.

[lokilost]

We need some input from JAG here on the legal stuff...

I'm thinking that you can get emancipation from your parents from your abusive history. That means, you can be free and clear of them and that includes being able to seek professional help on your own without your parents being notified/having to approve. The church can help you with the expenses - they even have LDS Social Services that have these types of professionals working for them.

I did a quick google search and here's the first info I found on teen emancipation:

A Teenager's Guide To Emancipation

Another question - is there a specific reason why you need to wait until so far in the future to get married? Why not get married now? That will give you a swift emancipation from your parents and your husband can send you to a doctor to seek immediate help.

I've looked into my legal options in the state in which I live, and if you are over 18, there can't be an emancipation.

As far as getting married now, I'm not against it, but my boyfriend thinks that 19 and 20 is "far too young" and prefers to wait.