Introduction

[imfinehowru]

Hello all. I've been reading the forums for some time now but never posted. I am going to my own disciplinary council today; a place where I thought I'd never have to be. I have a testimony of the gospel and of the atonement, but looking back it becomes so clear the subtleness of the adversary. I wasn't pushing forward with faith so I drifted backward and stumbled along the way, several times, until, in my weakened spiritual condition, the fiery darts penetrated my greatest weaknesses and I fell....and in doing so, severed a longstanding marriage and severely damaged relationships with my children. It's easy to see now, looking back on it with 20/20 hindsite, the choices that were there, that I ignored, embracing even more the carnal side and moving further away in blindness. Now I am to face the consequences of my actions and prepare myself for pain that, right now, seems lifelong. Especially in the knowledge that I've caused this upon my spouse...consequences that she must now face and deal with.

I know many have gone through this and I've read much here and appreciate all of the advice and personal experiences posted here that people like me can use to not feel so alone. It is such a lonely and painful process.

Imfinehowru (isn't that what I'm supposed to say?)

[Torrence]

((((((((((((((((((((((((huggles)))))))))))))))))))))))))

If they love you now they were meant to be your friends. If not, then, they never really were.

Heavenly Father loves you; he knows you are trying to head back to the right path. Everyone else will fall into place eventually.

[Alvine]

Hi imfinehowru,

Welcome to the forum. I am new in this forum and found many interesting threats here.

I hope to see you around participating actively in this forum.

[KrazyKay]

Welcome imfinehowru

I've gone down that road before too - although I wasn't married when I did, the guilt and pain is just as real.

[imfinehowru]

Thanks all for the replies. As a result of my aformentioned discliplinary council I was disfellowshipped for a year and I'm usually not a "downer" type person, but the pain from the consequences continue to build, especially with a family involved. I find myself pondering more and more about those foolish decisions, my character, my upbringing, my values, etc., and how they are all inter-related and meshed together. Not looking for excuses, just answers. I don't like myself more and more everyday. I've lost out on my chances of eternal happiness and I just need to come to terms with that.

Do I sound too harsh on myself? Why shouldn't I be....I detroyed lives! Do I know God loves me? Yes. Do I love God? Only through my actions can I truly show that. Do I know I CAN be forgiven? Yes, through the power of the atonement. SHOULD I be forgiven? That's the real question!

[FunkyTown]

SHOULD I be forgiven? That's the real question!

That's not really up to you. The 'Should' is entirely in God's hands.

What I would recommend is pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and trying to make amends. Don't lay guilt trips on your children or ex-wife, talking about what a terrible sinner you are. Instead, go back to church. Work through the disfellowship. Do what's right.

We're all rooting for you. Don't let self-pity become the defining characteristic of your repentance. It prevents real, true repentance from taking place and will hurt a whole lot more than just you. If you want to grow, you need to not be selfish. You need to drop the self-pity and get back to trying. It is hard and it's sometimes lonely.

You might not know this, but Sin simply means 'To fall short of the mark' and, in this case, it's to fall short of the mark of the Glory of God. Think of it like an archer trying to hit a target very far away: Sometimes you'll overshoot. Sometimes, you'll undershoot. Sometimes, through negligence or ignorance our aim will be so bad we will shoot ourselves or another person. When that happens, there will be tears. There will be trials. You can't stop that once you've done it. You can't take back an arrow already shot.

You can only aim better next time.

[Torrence]

You should be forgiven because you know that you did a boo-boo; that is one of the many reasons we have the Atonement. For true repentance and forgiveness you need to forgive yourself first, the rest will come in line later.

Keep going to church, keep reading your scriptures get into a hobby to help you get closer to the Lord (mine is family history), visit a nursing home and say hi to people. walk the dog; they have the most unconditional love I have ever seen (unless you have mine who holds a grudge involving a brush).

You have a cheering squad, we are rooting for you!!!! We will help the roots not to get root rot and help the plant become stronger. Feed your spiritual self. Have you read The Miracle of Forgiveness???

[Martain]

“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).

I feel that ^^^^^^^^^ is critical. If you're hurting, the best person to turn to, other than the Lord, is your spouse. It's a commandment.

I have a book I feel will be very valuable to you. It's called "The Worth of a Soul" by Steven A. Cramer. Based on the insights I can draw from your circumstances, he went through what you're going through and did what you did. He came back from it and he shares his story and what it took. Please read it.

Edited June 17, 2011 by Martain
Removed something prior to posting and then didn't reword remaining to make sense.

[imfinehowru]

Keep going to church, keep reading your scriptures get into a hobby to help you get closer to the Lord (mine is family history)

Good advice. I plan on filling up my time with activities, and family history is a good one.

Don't let self-pity become the defining characteristic of your repentance.

Self pity certainly isn't a good quality. For me, it walks hand-in-hand with depression and they feed off each other. Time will have to wear this "mountain" down a little before I can overcome them completely.

It's called "The Worth of a Soul" by Steven A. Cramer

Thanks. I'll read it. As for my wife, she isn't very happy with me right now. In fact, we're going through a separation; a oceanic separation, in which I will be separated from my children. I don't think about it but it will be here soon. The thought of sending my children off from an airport without knowing when I'll see them again, is close to unbearable.