Living with or leaving a bully spouse?

[Bini]

Someone on my FB made a status comment that prompted me to send her a private message. We do not have a close friendship but we did attend a year of schooling together way back when. Her comment was this: You are not fat! You are 6 years old!

She happened to be online and we ended up chatting. Our conversation was short-lived but was somewhat telling in what's been going on. From what I understood, her husband is a bully but is quick to apologise, however, without any real sincerity for his actions. He'll say something, she'll get upset and he'll apologise with a smirk on his face like it's not that big of a deal. Turns out these comments revolve around her weight and it's not an occasional jab but a frequent one. She tells me that he'll tell her not to wear something because she's just too big to pull it off, or that she could stand to lose X amount of pounds to fit into this or that. He makes comments when she's eating, or when she's not. I asked her if things have always been like this and she says no. Apparently it started after the birth of their first child but before that, he never even hinted such things. For note, this girl looks great and healthy. She does not strike me as even an inch overweight, that said, her body is not the twig that it was when she was in high school — she was and is a petite girl for her weight versus her height. Anyway the comment she made was an actual conversation that occurred between her and her little girl. They were in a dressing room trying on clothes and her daughter looks in the mirror and says, "I'm fat!". She was horrified and that's when she said, "You are not fat! You are 6 years old!" By the way, her daughter isn't fat either, not even close.

The whole thing is terribly sad. While this kind of bullying isn't a direct life-threatening thing, it can be, in a long-term sense. I've struggled with an eating disorder and it plagues me everyday. Some days are better, while other days are worse. The psychological toll and the physical toll (with time) is devastating. Of course, because I am not close to this girl, I didn't advise one way or the other regarding sticking around or taking off. Instead, I encouraged her to sit down and talk with her husband about how it's not only affecting her well-being but her daughter's too. Surely enough, she tells me she's done all that. What else does one say? In the end, I told her to message me if she needed to vent and that I hoped all goes well. For me personally, this kind of treatment goes under emotional and psychological abuse. How unfortunate that this little girl hears these hurtful comments with a nonchalant attitude from her father towards her mother.

My grandfather was just like this with my mum and her sisters. He openly criticised them over their weight and used hurtful names. My mum has her own eating issues as a result, which have rubbed off onto me and I am the second generation. It's all a painful, yet important lesson and reminder, that our actions have consequences and affect our children. A couple of times, my husband has had to step in and tell me to knock it off, when I'm obsessing over my weight aloud. He's right. I don't want this to rub off on my daughter.

How do you "un-bully" a bully? If the bully doesn't want to change, or even acknowledge that he or she has a problem, do you just live with it? To live with or to leave a bully, that is the question.

[Guest]

How do you "un-bully" a bully? If the bully doesn't want to change, or even acknowledge that he or she has a problem, do you just live with it? To live with or to leave a bully, that is the question.

It's wasted effort to exhaust your energies on un-bullying a bully. I tell my children it's not much use to change the bully - you only have the power to change yourself. I teach my children there is only one way to fight a bully - make him ineffective. My children's self-worth is not determined by what other people say about them, especially not bullies! It's determined by their own ideals.

My question to your friend. Why does she allow bullies to dictate her self-worth? Yes, it is absolutely horrible to have your own husband be the one that tries to twist your idea of what you're worth. But, it seems like your friend knows her husband is wrong, so it shouldn't matter what he says on that regard! As far as her daughter is concerned, there are two parents here. She can mitigate the situation by teaching her own daughter what is right and continuing to open her husband's eyes on the effect of his actions.

Whether to leave somebody for this... I only have one opinion - the grass is never greener on the other side. It is only greener in the side you water. Nobody is perfect. This is one problem she should be able to manage.

[Jennarator]

This is a sad story, and yet common. Perhaps if she explaines what her daughter said, to her husband, that might at least make him think. I know that people that like to insult others don't change overnight. But if he thinks, it might stop him from saying things in front of a child.

It's hard to stop a bully, she might want to see a counslor. I know I have struggles with my self image, and I also have a heavy daughter. It's difficult. I don't have a lot suggestions, but I hope she finds the help she needs and that her daughter is not set up for a life of self image issues.

[Bini]

I doubt I'll hear from her again. But I got my fingers crossed for her and her little girl.